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Contents

1. Introduction. Wherein I welcome you to the newsletter.
2. Latest News. Wherein I encourage you to purchase my latest projects in a non-pushy manner.
3. Upcoming Appearances. Wherein I share my whereabouts to potential stalkers.
4. Interview. Wherein I argue with myself like some kind of lunatic.
5. More Q&A. Wherein I answer more questions carefully written by myself.
6. Short story. Wherein you read the tale "Thrill Ride."
7. Links. Wherein I share ways for me to be part of your life much more frequently than this "monthly" newsletter.
 

Introduction

Hi, everyone! Welcome to the eighth issue of the Jeff Strand newsletter. It's possible that you've forgotten this newsletter even existed, since the last one was in April. April of this year, at least, but it's still been a long time since the friendly AOL guy said "You've got mail!" and it was from me. 

What happened is that I moved from Tampa to Atlanta. It turns out that moving gobbles up all of your writing time. All of it. I was foolish enough to think that once the U-Haul truck was unloaded I could jump right back into a halfway decent schedule, but I was WRONG. Oh, how wrong. 

You may be thinking, "Dude, it's October. I get that moving to a new house is a time-consuming task, but a REAL author would've found the time to write his newsletter. I've seen you posting on Twitter and Facebook. You went to a haunted house just last night. You're not THAT frickin' busy."

Fine. It won't happen again. 
 

Latest News

My post-apocalyptic horror/comedy novella An Apocalypse of Our Own is now available in a Kindle edition. Can the friend zone survive the end of the world...? More details later in this very newsletter.

Stalking You Now is back in a Kindle edition with a shiny new cover by Lynne Hansen

Stranger Things Have Happened may or may not still be on the shelves of a bookstore near you. You can check. Snarl at the manager if it's not. Or order a copy from Amazon.

The digital edition of my new collection Everything Has Teeth has not sold out, because there are an infinite number of them. There's going to be a hardcover collector's edition from Thunderstorm Books, and that WILL sell out, but I'll try to send out a special newsletter when it goes up for pre-order.

Fangboy is available as a delightful audiobook, narrated by Janine Haynes. Get it from Audible or Amazon

The Haunted Forest Tour, the novel I co-wrote with James A. Moore, is now available in paperback

The extreme horror anthology DOA III contains my story "Hostile." Sometimes torture porn can become awkward...

The anthology Unleashed: Monsters Vs Zombies Vol II contains my story "Giant Mutant Cockroaches in the Old West Versus Zombies." It's a sequel to my story "Them Old West Mutations," but no prior giant mutant cockroach experience is necessary to enjoy this one.

My next young adult novel, How You Ruined My Life, will be out Spring 2018 from Sourcebooks.

Upcoming Events 

October 19-22, 2017. NIGHTMARES FILM FESTIVAL. Columbus, Ohio. I'm not attending as a special guest or anything. I'm just going because I went last year and it was frickin' awesome! Lynne Hansen's adaptation of my not-yet-available book Cold Dead Hands is a finalist in their unproduced screenplay competition, so I guess that's my link to it being an official author event.

November 2-7, 2017. BUFFALO DREAMS FANTASTIC FILM FESTIVAL. Buffalo, New York. It actually runs until November 12th. I'm a judge of their screenplay competition and I may just be connected to one of the films that's screening...

March 1-4, 2018. STOKERCON. Providence, Rhode Island. This will be my tenth (!) and final time emceeing the Bram Stoker Awards banquet. Be there!

March 15-18, 2018CORAL SPRINGS FESTIVAL OF THE ARTS. Coral Springs, Florida. On the 17th, I’ll be doing an hour-long workshop on a to-be-determined topic.

Jeff Strand Interviews Himself About His Latest Book

Blister by Jeff Strand
Based on the cover, An Apocalypse of Our Own is a charming and romantic tale, right? 

 
Uhhhhhhh....
 
Is it safe to assume there are no messy deaths in it?

Uhhhhhhh....

Just tell me this: can I safely read this book knowing that there's not a part where somebody has blood leaking out of their eyes?

Uhhhhhhh...maybe this one's not for you.

Most of your books aren't. What's this one about?

Missy and Kevin are friends--just friends--who are trapped in an underground bunker after the apocalypse. It's a dark comedy with a big dose of splatter. 

Sounds distasteful. 

Yep!

You sound proud of that. Don't be proud. Shame is what you should be feeling. Is there coarse language in this book?

Well, yeah...

And is there other ribald content?

It's not a kids' book, okay? 

Well, I certainly won't be purchasing a copy. Where can those lacking moral compasses get this trash?

Right HERE

More Q&A

Stalking You Now is back? I didn't realize it was gone.
 
The publisher, DarkFuse, is no more, so it was very briefly unavailable. Now it's back with a new cover by Lynne Hansen and a dirt-cheap 99 cent price

What happened to the feature film version, Mindy Has To Die?

Everything I saw of it looked fantastic, but sadly it got stalled halfway through production. I'm not sure if they will resume shooting or not.
 
Dammit!

I know, right?

When the hell are they going to make a movie out of one of your books?

Several of them are in the early stages of development. Very early. I can't even tease them. I might be able to tease them in the next newsletter or two. Maybe. 

I just noticed that your DarkFuse title Facial isn't available. 

Nope. It'll be back soon.

Anything else coming out soon?

Sick House.

When?

Soon.

If I enjoy your books, should I post reviews on Amazon?

YES!!!!!! A thousand times, yes! 

Short Story

Thrill Ride

Copyright 2017 by Jeff Strand
 
This theme park near my house has the greatest ride in the world.
 
For the most part, it's a pretty standard roller coaster, though each cart only seats one person. The first hill is about a hundred and eighty feet, which is a good drop but certainly not a record setter. Three loop-de-loops. Several sharp turns. One corkscrew turn. One part where it kind of looks like a tunnel is going to knock your head off, even though it's higher than it looks and even freakishly tall people are in no danger.
 
What makes the RiskTaker 3000 so special is what happens once a day. Maybe it's the first ride, maybe it's the last ride, or maybe it's one of the thousands of rides in between—you never know. But every day, during one ride, the cart flies off the track and into a pool filled with hungry sharks.
 
Is that amazing or what?
 
The odds are overwhelmingly against you being on the cart that goes into the shark pool. Less than a tenth of one percent. And from there, at least half of the people are able to swim to safety without so much as a bite. (It's not a very big pool.) Those who do get attacked are pretty evenly divided between those who survive, perhaps with one fewer appendage, and those who die a horrible death in the bloody water.
 
So, yeah, when you ride the RiskTaker 3000 you will almost certainly be totally fine.
 
But I've got to tell you, that miniscule chance that you're going to suffer a gruesome fate makes the ride infinitely more exciting. Your heart races like never before. You never knew you could scream so loud. Enough adrenaline pumps through your veins that you could probably lift an automobile to save a trapped child after you get off the ride.
 
It makes every other roller coaster in the world look tame. The GateKeeper at Cedar Point? El Toro at Six Flags? Kumba at Busch Gardens? Baby coasters. If you're a serious roller coaster enthusiast, you know that RiskTaker 3000 is the best choice. The only choice.
 
Do the people who lose an arm regret the experience? Sure, probably. But it's very, very, very unlikely that you'd be one of them. Everybody else staggers off the ride in a state of euphoria. Hell, some of them get right back in line!
 
[Disclaimer: Providers will not honor your life insurance policy if you die on the ride. It's right there in the fine print under the wait time. I suppose that's fair. Even though you'll almost definitely survive the experience, you shouldn't ride if your family can't afford to bury you. Enjoy the thrill but be responsible.]
 
How many times have I ridden it? Well, let's see. It's been open for about two years. I've got annual passes, and I come about three or four times a week, and I ride it about three or four times a visit, so that's, what? Fifty-two weeks times two is a hundred and four, times three-point-five is...hold on, let me check my calculator app. Okay, it's one thousand, two hundred and seventy-four times, give or take.
 
No, wait, I'm overestimating. Though they keep running the ride on days where the coaster jumps the track early, I don't bother to ride after that. Don't get me wrong; it's still a fun ride, but there's a reason the wait time drops from three hours to about ten minutes. It's just not the same. If we count early shark death days, I'd estimate that I've been on it about a thousand times.
 
Does it get boring after a thousand rides? Not at all! I mean, yeah, I guess it loses a bit of its power to terrify.  Once you start getting up into the triple digits, you get a little jaded. You stop thinking "What if my cart goes into the pool of sharks?" and start thinking "I'm sure my cart won't go into the pool of sharks."
 
Sometimes—and I'm only speaking for those like myself who've ridden it a thousand times—you need to spice it up.
 
When I rocket down that first hill, there's only a one in six chance I'll actually blow my brains out. Five in six chance that it'll just be a click that I probably won't even be able to hear over the roller coaster. Those are good odds. You'd bet a lot of money on those odds.
 
But that moment of excitement will be unparalleled.   

 

Links

If you want our relationship to be more than a once-a-month thing, here are your various options short of peeking in my windows:
 
My website, http://www.jeffstrand.com, which is also my blog.
 
You can, of course, follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/JeffStrand
 
I have two Facebook pages, and I'll be honest, I haven't quite figured out how to differentiate them. In theory, one is for friends and one is for fans, but, c'mon, you're all my friends. Friend me at https://www.facebook.com/JeffStrandAuthor and "Like" me at https://www.facebook.com/JeffStrandAuthorFanPage/.
 
Yep, I'm on Goodreads! https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/207708.Jeff_Strand
 
And Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/jeffstrandauthor/
 
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