Announcing the JobNamer Scheme
Dear Reader,
With nearly one million Australians out of work, it is of vital national importance that we look like we're doing something about it.
We're going to need more than just a job scheme with a catchy name. We're going to lots and lots of job schemes with catchy names.
Which is why, today, I'm proud to announce the government's latest job scheme: JobNamer.
Under the JobNamer scheme, we will employ 500,000 Australians to come up with names for job schemes.
In addition to the JobTrainer scheme, we will be introducing JobComplainer, which will employ thousands of psychologically maladjusted Australians who are never satisfied with their lot in life, despite their enormous privilege. They'll mainly be employed to host shows on Sky News.
Everyone knows about JobMaker, but you probably haven't heard about JobBreaker. Under this scheme, people will be employed to break up with your partner for you. God knows that job is going to be in demand after Lockdown 2.0.
JobSeeker will be complemented with the JobSpeaker scheme. This is a highly targeted scheme, which will employ celebrity tradies to speak about how great the government's job schemes are. Despite its narrow targeting, it is expected to be a very expensive scheme.
Our JobApplier scheme will help people write job applications for jobs that don't actually exist, but need to be applied for to keep getting the dole. We expect this to be a massive scheme, ultimately employing millions of Australians. Given that it is a completely useless scheme that achieves nothing, I'll be asking the Governor-General to oversee it.
At the request of Pauline Hanson, we will be also setting up the JobRobber scheme to help our immigrant communities be demonised every time they get a job. Peter Dutton has put his hand up to manage this scheme.
And finally, the JobWater scheme is designed to unleash the entrepreneurial spirit of Federal Cabinet Ministers, to encourage them to make money selling water that doesn't exist back to the Federal Government. Barnaby Joyce and Angus Taylor will be jointly overseeing that scheme.
So that's all the schemes we've set up today, but rest assured that thanks to JobNamer, we'll be back tomorrow with even more schemes to announce. And don't worry, if it turns out that catchy slogans aren't the solution to the country's mounting economic problems, we can always introduce the JobBlamer scheme, which blames Daniel Andrews for everything.
Many people see Australia's unemployment rate as a "crisis". But remember, in Chinese the word for "crisis" is the same as the word for "funnel money into marginal Liberal electorates". And perhaps we should learn from that.
Charles Firth
Managing Editor
The Chaser
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