Updated Language Guidelines for 2020 Budget

Dear Employees,

A lot of you have been struggling since Tuesday about how to write about the Budget in our various mastheads, and talk about it on our 24-hour news channel.

A lot has shifted since the pandemic hit, so I thought I should compile this guide to help you come up with the acceptable language to use. Please print out a copy and have it handy whenever you talk to Andrew Bolt.

Debt and Deficit Disaster - now referred to as "responsible economic management".

$1,000,000,000,000 of Debt - a very small and management amount of money given the size of our economy. A figure that shows just how responsible the government's economic management is.

$240,000,000 - a massively vast amount of money allocated to women in the budget, which shows just how important women are to our government. Works out an incredibly huge $40 per woman. That's real money.

Infrastructure - spending anything less than $110 billion isn't real money. Instructure is the only thing worth spending real money on. The fact that 90% of the construction workforce is male is an unfortunate coincidence and there's nothing we can do about that. And anyway, women can enjoy the eye-candy created by having lots of sweaty construction workers working everywhere.

Deficit - deficits are now "a proportionate response to a once-in-a-one-hundred year event". Unlike Labor's, the Liberal Party's deficits are temporary measures that don't create permanent, lasting, structural changes to Australia's revenue base.

Tax cuts - a permanent, lasting, structural change to Australia's revenue base that will unleash the entreprenurial spirit in Australia's working class, especially those earning over $180k per year.

Tax cuts (rich) - giving money to people earning over $180k per year incentivises them to work harder.

JobSeeker cuts (poor) - giving money to people earning under $48k per year incentivises them to work less.

Universities - it is important to create workers who are workforce-ready. Universities incentivise critical thinking which is the last thing you want in a workplace. Funding must therefore, unfortunately, be slashed.

Their ABC - see Universities.

Fully funded chaplaincy program - fully costed, responsible politically-savvy targeted program by the Liberal Party to appeal to its base

Fully funded childcare - uncosted, reckless politically-driven targeted stunt by the Labor Party to appeal to its base

I hope that helps as you write your op-eds in the coming days. Oh, I almost forgot, there was one other term that people have been asking about. It's one of those ones that you always forget about but the folks on Twitter go crazy if you don't mention it:

Women - these should be treated with respect, just like any other minority. Their careers are of course a priority, as long as it doesn't get in the way of every other consideration.

MORE SCOTT MORRISON TOWELS 

PODCAST - New episode out today

Donald Trump has corona and Nina takes us through a soundbite by soundbite analysis of how it happened. Charles is trying to sell his terrible ScoMo towels while Dom was going to talk about the budget but we realised it was too boring. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno with all the news you can’t trust. Stream it online on our website or at Nova or download it in any podcast app, including: