Retraction: We're sorry we accused all those guards of being a bunch of hornbags
Hi <<First Name>> -
So it turns out that the security guards who caused the second wave in Melbourne by having sex with everyone, actually weren't the source of the outbreak and didn't cause the second wave.
Oops. Probably shouldn't have run all those front page headlines in our tabloid papers across the country, blaming the depraved sexual appetites of low-paid guards for all of Victoria's problems. Luckily, they earn far too little to have access to decent defamation lawyers.
And look, yes, our newspapers and cable television news network have spent the last six weeks blaming Daniel Andrews for this stuff up. But you've got to blame someone, don't you? Blame is the cornerstone of accountability. If we didn't blame people for things they didn't do, those in charge could just get away with anything. It's always better to err on the side of blaming people and then sort out the facts later.
As it turns out, it was hotel staff - which come under the responsibility of the Federal authorities - that first contracted the virus from quarantined travellers. Turns out some of the training and protocols established by the Federal Department of Health and Human Services may have been lacking. And it looks like they didn't even have sex with anyone. Talk about a bunch of prudes.
Now that we've realised it was the Federal government's responsibility, I think we can all agree that there's no reason to apportion blame. In these tough times, we need to recognise that nobody was acting with ill-intentions. Nobody was trying to cause a second outbreak. Let's not play the blame game. It doesn't get us anywhere. Everyone's trying their best. And anyway, how good are the Sharks?
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HOW TO MAKE BILLIONS FROM WRITING SATIRE
Are you sick of being poor? You should get rich by writing satire. Comedy writing is a dreary affair of pain and suffering. But it’s a good way to get incredibly rich quickly. If you’ve tried investment banking or stock trading and are dissatisfied with your seven-figure base salary, perhaps you should quit your career and instead concentrate on the big bucks of writing comedy for a living.
"How to Make Your First Billion Writing Satirical Comedy" is a one-hour online workshop with Charles Firth that gives you all the tips and tricks that you need to quit your day job. Includes a look at the technical side of comedy, as well as tips on what to do with the mountains of cash that you’ll have to wade through each morning. It's on 25th August at 5:30pm. Tickets are $29/$22 (plus stupid ticketing surcharges). BOOK TICKETS
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Charles Firth
Managing Editor
The Chaser
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PODCAST - New episode out today
 Nina looks at the backlash to Cardi ‘n Megan’s hit song, Charles checks out potential VP Kamala Harris and Dom has some good news about Covid at last. Plus Rebecca De Umamuno updates you with the up to datest news updates. Stream it online on our website or at Nova or download it in any podcast app, including:
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 101 classic sketches from Radio Chaser. Stream it on Spotify or Apple Music. (Or search for "Radio Chaser".)
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