You never asked us to send you an email about what we're doing about Covid-19, but we're sending you one anyway
Dear Reader,
We wanted to update you about what our organisation is doing about the Covid-19 pandemic even though you've never asked and you don't care. I'm sure this is the first such email you've received from an organisation updating you about their approach.
First of all, I must include a sentence in hushed tones that tells you how gravely serious the Covid-19 pandemic is, and pretends that we give a shit about how you're faring during this difficult time.
Please read the following. It is filled with self-important back-patting by our management team, combined with half-hearted protections for our lowest paid and most at-risk workers.
First and foremost, let me assure all shareholders in the Chaser Corporation that your dividend is safe. In times like this, you have to make tough decisions to prioritise what's most important to you as a company. As humans, we have a responsibility to protect corporate dividends, no matter what the human cost.
Secondly, we've applied for, and expect to receive, a massive taxpayer bailout. As you may know, The Chaser makes billions of dollars a year in the lucrative satire business. In particular, our line of satirical toilet paper has performed strongly this quarter. Even so, we've ploughed all our money into buying up our own shares, as a result, we're basically broke and definitely going to go under if we don't get at least one bail out. And who would want a world without satire? It's unthinkable. Luckily, our strategically placed donations to the Federal Coalition in recent years are paying dividends. We're pretty confident Angus and Barnaby will come through for us. We've even opened the Cayman Islands accounts in anticipation.
Thirdly, once that bailout has cleared, we'll be sacking our entire workforce. We'd love to keep them on to help count all our bail-out money, but in these tough times, you've got to make tough decisions.
So that's how we'll be dealing with Covid-19. How are you going to do it? Please, we'd love you to let us know. Email us your stories at spamfolder@chaser.com.au and we'll be sure to read it!
 The Chaser Quarterly - New 22-page sample online
You can't (safely) browse the book in bookshops anymore, so we've created a free 22-page sampler of the book at ChaserShop.com. The fully revised second edition includes a tasteful guide to how to cure coronavirus the natural way, without the pesky use of Western science.
Podcast - new episodes
Do you happen to be in lockdown? We've been fast tracking a new series of our Extreme Vetting podcast to make sure you've got something interesting to listen to while you endure weeks of not being able to do anything.
Subscribe to Extreme Vetting with The Chaser on Apple iTunes, Spotify or just search for it in your favourite podcast app. Or checkout chaser.com.au/podcasts for full transcripts of the episodes as they're added.
Charles Firth
Managing Editor
P.S. I can't think of a postscript to write today.
LIVE SHOWS
All our live shows have been postponed till later in the year. Frustratingly, it's up to the venue / festival to contact you about how to rebook or get a refund. Those emails are going out over the next few days. Thank you for your patience and understanding. It's nice that of the thousands of people who bought tickets, only one person has sent an angry email demanding immediate action. This whole clusterfuck has been a disaster for everyone.
On the upside, you can't see the show, but you can buy the book that the show is based on. The Anti-Expert's Guide to Everything (Second Edition) - with a special section on how to cope with the coronavirus. Just $24.95 -- which is cheaper than a ticket to the live show.
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