Two Pumps Gets You A Baby, Big Sack, & Forrest Lamp.
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Friday, December 23, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Drink The Pain Away. What do you do when your college football team produces a runny dump of a season? Get blind drunk to forget about it! As a result of the Texas Longhorns' hilariously bad year (5-7 and a fired coach), alcohol sales increased 70% from the previous season.
  • Swag. Swiss tennis player Roger Federer was named GQ’s “Most Stylish Man of 2016” this week, beating out Taylor Swift’s upcoming song influence Tom Hiddleston for the top spot. Among the other athletes that made the bracket-style tournament were David Beckham, Conor McGregor, and Lewis Hamilton. We’re just happy Twitter King Jaden Smith didn’t win.
  • Evil Empire. New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr., normally a pompous f*ck, wore cleats honoring the late Craig Sager last week, which were to be auctioned off with the proceeds going to the Sager Strong Foundation. In holding with the NFL's effort to maintain a Nazi Germany-type image, the league fined OBJ for the cleats. "Money for charity? Not on our watch." - NFL.

The Main Event
What does the NBA have for you under the Christmas tree this weekend? The biggest regular-season matchup of the year.

Actually, Christmas Day features five NBA games with some major star-power. However, the crown jewel of the day has to be a rematch of last year's NBA Finals; the Golden State Warriors at the Cleveland Cavaliers. As you'll undoubtedly recall (if you don't it's time to reevaluate your life), the Cavaliers overcame a 3-1 Finals deficit to win Cleveland's first major sports championship in 52 years. Both squads are playing big-boy basketball again this year, each carrying the best record in their respective conferences. We can only hope that when these two goliaths clash again sparks will fly, hopefully in the form of J.R. Smith playing without a shirt or Draymond Green kicking everyone in the dick.

Here's the full slate of games (Eastern Time):

Boston Celtics @ New York Knicks - 12pm on ESPN
Golden State Warriors @ Cleveland Cavaliers - 2:30pm on ABC
Chicago Bulls @ San Antonio Spurs - 5pm on ABC
Minnesota Timberwolves @ Oklahoma City Thunder - 8pm on ESPN
Los Angeles Clippers @ Los Angeles Lakers - 10:30pm on ESPN

Christmas dinner with the rest of the family? Sorry, mom, I got shit to watch.

Good Sport
The Mount Rushmore of Sports Broadcasting
An LA street artist updated his Stuart Scott memorial mural to include Craig Sager, who died last week of cancer. SVP, you’re gonna look good up there one day… but hopefully not for a very long time.

Bad Sport
Good Old Sport Update
Yesterday we told you that Dennis the Menace incarnate (Duke basketball's Grayson Allen) blatantly tripped an opposing player. Now, Allen has been suspended indefinitely by head coach Mike HolyShitWhatALastName. While on suspension we'll assume Grayson will turn to his Li'L Bastard General Mischief Kit and shoot bb's at bird nests or whatever the hell he does with his spare time.

Alan Pardew's Big Sack
Not that kind of sack, pervert. The Crystal Palace (English soccer club) manager was sacked (what the English call "fired" for some reason) after just two years with the Eagles. Palace is such butt this year the squad is flirting with relegation (getting their asses kicked out of the Premier League).

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Forrest Lamp. The 295-pound Western Kentucky offensive lineman, whose parents must love camping and artificial lighting, hauled in a nine-yard touchdown pass on a trick play in his team’s 51-31 win over the Memphis Tigers in the Boca Raton Bowl. On a side note, what the hell is it with younger Millennials and these goofy-ass names? George Carlin would be very upset.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Aaron Hernandez. The former New England Patriots tight end, who’s already serving a life sentence without the possibility of parole for murder, was identified on Tuesday by a witness as the shooter in a separate double murder. Decades from now, his corpse is going to be so pissed when it has to serve two more consecutive life sentences after serving the first one.

Quote of the Week
"I’m never clear on the NFL rules. Two pumps get you a baby. Three pumps get you a fine." - Michael Bennett

The Seattle Seahawks defensive end dove into sexual education while taking exception to a penalty flag he received for excessive celebration.

Good Old Caption Winner
"My daddy always told me to hit 'em where it hurts yourself" - Bryan Wallace

It looks like your daddy told Skins' tight end Jordan Reed the same thing.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Open some sports on Christmas morning.
Link of the Day: Watch this elephant unload the nastiest fart on another elephant's head.

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals
We'll see your ugly mugs back here on Wednesday. Have a violent Christmas!
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