Lochte's House Of Lies, Friar Tuck Haircuts, & The Belly Flop Of The Year.
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Friday, August 19, 2016

Friday Fun

The Main Event
The long-awaiting rematch between MMA fighters Conor McGregor and Nate Diaz, dubbed Diaz vs. McGregor 2 (real original), will headline tomorrow night's UFC 202, where we'll see these fighters continue their shit-talking extravaganza. Oh, and they may actually fight too, not that we'd know it from the UFC 202 presser this past Wednesday, which was scant on fight details, but filled with middle fingers, childish name-calling, and thrown bottles.

After McGregor arrived late, Diaz walked out before a member of his posse hurled a bottle at McGregor, who responded by throwing cans at Diaz' crew... hitting one lucky child (with terrible parents) instead. Was McGregor trying to injure Diaz because he lost to him in their first meeting at UFC 196 in March? It's hard to say, but we do know that no one was in any real danger of sustaining significant injuries based on McGregor's eight-year-old-girl throwing style. Despite losing to Diaz the first go-around, McGregor is favored to win the rematch, which is the result UFC president Dana White is on his hands and knees praying for so he can squeeze more money out of fans with another match.

Expect McGregor to walk away with a win, because White will come out with a crow bar to take down Diaz himself if he sees a chance of Diaz vs. McGregor: Part Thrice (we made the title a little spicier) slipping away.

Good Sport
16 Eyes Are Better
Hey, NFL referees suck shit, but the league is trying to make it a little better. An eighth ref will be added to the defensive backfield for all preseason games this week, primarily to look for offensive and defensive holding downfield. We'll take anything to fix last year's dogshit officiating, please.

Second Chance
The U.S. women’s 4×100-meter relay team is still alive after receiving a second chance to race. Yesterday morning, the team biffed a handoff, but won a grievance filed later in the day claiming a Brazilian runner bumped American Allyson Felix mid-handoff, causing the fumble. The U.S. took advantage of their new life, beating China's time of 42.70 to advance to the final. If the Chinese team, which was bumped because of the U.S. win, ever believed in second changes, they sure as shit don't now.

Bad Sport
A Legal Adult's Worth of Prison Time
Former NFL safety Darren Sharper will spend more than 3x times as many years in prison than Pro Bowls he made (five). Sharper was sentenced to 18 years in prison yesterday for drugging and raping as many as 16 women across four states. It's a sad day for everyone involved, except for prison intramural football teams, who are undoubtedly chomping at the bit to have Sharper join their squad.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Wayde van Niekerk. The South African sprinter set a world record in the 400m (43:03), and obviously won gold, thanks to some good genes. We assume Niekerk's coach, his 74-year-old, record-setting great-grandmother Ans Botha, went with the "do as I say, not as I do at the moment" approach.

Honorable Mention: Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt won 200m gold last night because of course he did. He’s now the first man ever to win the 200m sprint in three-consecutive Olympics.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Ilya Zakharov. The Russian diver won gold at the 2012 London Games in the men's 3m springboard, but, as you can see below with his epic belly flop (and perfect score of 0) he didn't place this year.

Quote of the Week
"Will Hayes absolutely believes, and is totally convinced, that there are mermaids and they do exist" - Jeff Fisher

The LA Rams head coach revealed that defensive end Will Hayes not only believes in mermaids, but was excited to move to California to be closer to them. Hayes still doesn't believe in dinosaurs though.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Unfortunately for Uganda, the 3000m Limbo was cancelled at this year's games." - Matthew X. Shaver

It's sad to say, but Uganda may have to wait until 2980 for the 3000m Limbo to be added to the games, at least according to Futurama. Enjoy your pint glass!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
The last weekend of the Olympics. Catch up on everything so you can pretend you've been watching the whole time.
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