Act A Fool, Baseball Is Back, & Wheel Of Fortune
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Friday, April 1, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Goodbye Goodell. In shocking news, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will step down effective immediately after being arrested late last night for microwaving a cat. Read on for details.
  • He Got Got. The Golden State Warriors pulled an April Fools prank on teammate Festus Ezeli by making him think he got cut. While Ezeli was riding in a Lyft fitted with hidden cameras, a fake radio broadcast was played with "breaking news" that Ezeli had been released. The broadcast was accompanied by texts from his teammates expressing their condolences. Ezeli looked genuinely upset and uncomfortable, and when the news was revealed to be a ruse, he may or may not have thrown a cake at teammate Andre Iguodala in retaliation. Check out the video right here.
  • Cleveland Is Where The Heart Is? LeBron James is happy as can be and will never leave the Cleveland Cavaliers. LOL, April Fools. An ESPN report claims LeBron may leave the Cavs if they don't make a deep postseason run this year. Get your popcorn ready for Cleveland Jersey Burn: Part Deux.
  • Act A Fool. Every college has that guy, the doofus party animal who uses a fake I.D. to sneak into bars so he can pull his pants down and act a fool in public. For Xavier University, that knucklehead is J.P. Macura, who happens to play for the men's basketball team. Although he was arrested for the aforementioned debauchery, at least Xavier can be proud we're still talking about their basketball program in early April.

The Main Event
Spring Training is almost over, and it didn't come a moment too soon. Like us, players across Major League Baseball clearly became restless and bored in the final week of preseason exhibition games, especially the Chicago Cubs, who filled their time by bringing actual bear cubs into camp and watching first baseman Anthony Rizzo bust out Adele tunes on a keyboard. Let's consider this cry for help heard, because real baseball is back this Sunday!

Opening Day features a tripleheader, with the St. Louis Cardinals and Pittsburgh Pirates reigniting their rivalry to kick things off (1:05pm ET), we get a visit from our neighbors to the north when the Toronto Blue Jays come down to play the Tampa Bay Rays (4:05pm ET), followed by a rematch of last year's World Series as the New York Mets take on the reigning champs, the Kansas City Royals (8:37pm ET). Check out where and how to watch the rest of the games, which are on Monday, right here.

If you're looking for something to watch after your team bows out of the playoff race even earlier than you expected, keep an eye on Miami Marlins outfielder Ichiro (who, like Cher, just goes by one name) and New York Yankees outfielder Alex Rodriguez. Ichiro is 65 hits away from joining the 3,000-hits club, while A-Rod needs 28 home runs to pass Babe Ruth (714) for third on the all-time home runs list. He needs 69 to pass Hank Aaron (755), but we don't think he'll be able to pull it off ever since he was forced to get off the juice.

Here they are... our ironclad, can't fail, bet your life savings Good Old Sport predictions for the 2016 season:

AL MVP: Get those goofy-ass fish hats ready, Mike Trout of the Anaheim Angels is your AL MVP.
NL MVP: Goose Gossage is gonna be pissed about this one (he hates young whippersnappers who don't "respect" the game), because arrogant bastard and fantastic ballplayer Bryce Harper of the Washington Nationals takes home the hardware for the NL.
AL LVP: The race for the AL's Least Valuable Player may have already been decided. Red Sox fat lazy oaf, infielder Pablo Sandoval, who the Sox paid a buttload for last offseason ($95 million), has already been benched for being a fat lazy oaf.
NL LVP: The San Francisco Giants brought in pitcher Jeff Samardzija for $90 million this offseason, and he largely looked like shit in Spring Training. On the plus side, if we were handing out an award for who looks the most like a pirate, we'd be all in on Samardzija.
World Series: The Toronto Blue Jays over the Chicago Cubs. That's right, we're going to have to watch the beloved trophy of America's pastime be doused in Molson Canadian and maple syrup while escorted through downtown Toronto on the back of a moose during the Jays' victory parade... or whatever it is they do to celebrate up there.

Good Sport
Consolation Crowns
The best player and coach in college basketball won't be playing in the Final Four this weekend, according to the Associated Press. Michigan State, one of the favorites to win March Madness, may have suffered an emasculating loss to Middle Tennessee two weeks back, but at least Denzel Valentine is getting some love. The Spartan guard was named Player of the Year, narrowly beating out Oklahoma stud Buddy Hield by three votes. Meanwhile, Kansas, the favorite to win March Madness, saw their coach, Bill Self, help himself to Coach of the Year. Self can now sleep soundly at night knowing it was completely his players' fault for losing to Villanova. "It had to have been my dirtbag players' fault, I won Coach of the Year for Christ's sake."

Honorable Mention: George Washington beat Valparaiso 76-60 to win the NIT Championship, you know, that other March college basketball tournament you didn't watch a second of.

Bad Sport
Wage War
U.S. soccer has its gender hierarchy all wrong, as is apparent by a federal complaint filed against U.S. soccer by five members of the United States women’s national soccer team, who are accusing the organization of wage discrimination. The complaint argues that women are paid far less than their male counterparts. Like, four times less. This is especially heinous considering the women's team has been more profitable (as of late). Not to mention the women's team is way better than our lowlife men's teams. The dry turd United States men's national soccer team (USMNT) is barely keeping its head above water for World Cup qualifying, while the wet turd under-23 soccer team (U-23 MNT) was disqualified from this year's Olympics earlier this week. For the record, the women's team won the World Cup in 2015, to go along with three-consecutive Olympic gold medals. Enough dicking around, pay these gals.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Robert Santoli. This Average Joe turned in the best performance in the history of Wheel of Fortune by solving every puzzle but one, including a puzzle that he solved based on a single letter. He walked away with $76k and a pair of cruise vacations, and said he "felt so bad for the other two players" after his merciless victory. Savage.

Honorable Mention: LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers (for the time being) passed Dominique Wilkins for 12th on the NBA's all-time scoring list by putting up 24 points in the Cavs' 107-87 win against the Brooklyn Nets last night.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Derek White. The NASCAR driver is the Canadian version of Pablo Escobar. He was arrested for his part in "the largest tobacco-smuggling bust in North America’s history." White and friends illegally smuggled tobacco from the U.S. into Canada, where profits from selling the substance were used to buy Tony Montana-amounts of blow (1,800 lbs.). White is facing seven total charges, and is officially in a world of shit.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Chicago Blackhawks defenseman Duncan Keith decided his hockey stick was better suited as a medieval war club when he hit Minnesota Wild forward Charlie Coyle in the face with it, drawing blood because a hockey stick wins over human tissue every time. A formal decision on his punishment will be made at his disciplinary hearing this afternoon.

Quote of the Week
"If you’ve been through the things I’ve been through the past couple of years, you want to feel what that success feels like." - Carmelo Anthony

Call the burn unit, because 'Melo torched his own garbage team (New York Knicks, 30-46) in saying he wants to experience what success feels like again by playing on the USA Olympic basketball team.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Never one to miss a shot, Curry attempts his most pointless one to date."

Newell Voress with a zinger sure to offend selfie-taking, millennial narcissists everywhere. Try not to spill too much beer on your new Good Old Sport baseball tee at the ballgame.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Your weekend plans are right here.
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