60 For Kobe, Ho-Lee-Crap, & Marketing 101.
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Thursday, April 14, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Lonely Road. After the first night of the NHL playoffs, the away teams may have needed to order adult movies and room service in their hotel rooms to cheer themselves up. Every road squad lost last night, with the Detroit Red Wings falling to the Tampa Bay Lightning (3-2), the New York Rangers losing to the Pittsburgh Penguins (5-2), and the Chicago Blackhawks dropping one to the St. Louis Blues in overtime (1-0).
  • Ho-Lee-Crap. Seattle Mariners infielder Dae-Ho Lee's walk-off homer in the 10th inning of yesterday's 4-2 win against the Texas Rangers gave the Mariners their first home victory of the season.
  • He's At It Again. NFL free agent, and walking bourbon bottle, Johnny Manziel was involved in a hit and run, but that's not the bad news. His second agent this offseason, Drew Rosenhaus, gave him five days to check into rehab, or he'll get dropped. We have a feeling Drew's roster will have a free spot pretty soon.
  • Marketing 101. Recognizing a cash grab opportunity, Major League Baseball has designed special hats and uniforms for Mother's Day (pink theme), Memorial Day (camouflage theme), Father's Day (blue theme), and the Fourth of July (star theme). Make sure to go out and buy all this new shit right away!
  • Final Four. Because Barcelona's Lionel Messi hit a California-sized drought (failed to score for five-straight games for the first time since 2010), Atlético Madrid is moving on to the Champions League semis, which is a BFD if you're a European soccer team. Atlético's 2-0 win over Barcelona yesterday puts them in the Champions League "Final Four" with Man United, Bayern, and Real Madrid.

The Main Event
The Golden State Warriors are the greatest regular season basketball team ever. They squashed the Memphis Grizzlies 125-104 last night, which gave them their 73rd win of the season, most in NBA history (1995-95 Chicago Bulls, 72).

Frankly, we're a little surprised the Warriors didn't go undefeated. They started the season on a 24-0 run (NBA record), and consistently looked like the Harlem Globetrotters against the Washington Generals in the process. For those who are unfamiliar, the Generals are that team full of white guys the Globetrotters would pants and obliterate on the regular. Playing the part of the Globetrotters for the Warriors this season were, obviously, Steph Curry, Draymond Green, and Klay Thompson, all of whom were named to the All-Star game, which was the first time the Dubs had three players selected since 1976. The trio relied heavily on the all-mighty three-pointer, breaking the record for three-point shooting in a single-season with 1,077 buckets (2014-15 Houston Rockets, 933). That's mostly thanks to Curry, who went batshit insane by breaking the NBA record for individual threes (Curry's own record, 286) by sinking 402 shots from downtown, including a 40-foot game-winner against the Oklahoma City Thunder in late February. Ya, these guys put on a season-long clinic. But...

Let's not wet ourselves with excitement just yet. The Warriors' record-breaking year won't mean dick if they don't go on to win the Finals, which could be easier said than done. They'll likely face the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Final, who they split two games with in the regular season. If the Spurs manage to stop the Warriors' historic run, we'll look back on this Dubs team like we do the '07 New England Patriots, who went undefeated until they lost to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl. The only thing we remember about that New England team are all the 18-1 t-shirts Giants fans made to throw shade at the Pats' epic failure. Don't think Spurs fans aren't working on some "73 and no Finals for me" shirts this very second.

Good Sport
The first few minutes of Kobe Bryant's last NBA game made us feel the same way we've felt about the LA Lakers all season; queasy. Bryant started 0-5, the team went 0-7, and they didn't score until nearly five minutes into the game. It wouldn't last long, as old man Kobe suddenly transformed into the "Black Mamba," racking up 60 points in what turned out to be a 101-96 thrilling win over the Utah Jazz. Kobe's 60 points were the most by any player all season, and it was the sixth time in his career he's hit 60+. Since it was his last game, we'll be nice and barely mention the fact it took a ridiculous 50 shots (the most attempts by a player since 1984) to reach 60 points. In any case, it was a great way for Kobe to wrap up his incredible 20-year career. It was made even more special by the pre-game tributes and the army of friends, family, fans, and former teammates that were on hand to support him. Even Shaq was there, who called Kobe, "the greatest Laker player ever," which is only a slight change of tune from the good old days when Shaq was telling Kobe to "tell me how my ass tastes." Ah, memories.

Bad Sport
You're Not Helping
Like the Titanic, the 0-8 Atlanta Braves are a sinking ship. But instead of the deckhands finding ways to help like bailing water from the boat, they're just standing around beating women. Braves right fielder Hector Olivera is one such deckhand. He was arrested at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Arlington, VA. for assaulting a woman, who was bruised so badly she had to be taken to a local hospital. MLB has placed Olivera on administrative leave until a formal punishment is decided upon.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: After almost firing him in February, the Sacramento Kings have finally decided to pull the plug on head coach George Karl, who led the Kings to a miserable 33-48 record this year, good for 10th place in the Western Conference. Don't worry, the Kings definitely know what they're doing. They've only gone through eight head coaches in the past 10 years, and didn't make the playoffs once during that span. #TheyGotThis

Related: The equally bad Washington Wizards (10th in the Eastern Conference) and even worse Minnesota Timberwolves (13th in the Western Conference) fired their sack of shit coaches as well.

Good Old Caption
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What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 1: Islanders at Panthers - 8pm on NBC; Game 1: Flyers at Capitals - 7pm on NBC Sports; Game 1: Wild at Stars - 9:30pm on NBC Sports; Game 1: Sharks at Kings - 10:30pm on NBC
SOCCER. Europa League: Liverpool vs. Borussia Dortmund - 3pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. Open de España, First-Round Play - 10:30am on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: The Heritage, First-Round Play - 3pm on Golf Channel; LPGA Tour: LPGA Lotte Championship, Second-Round Play - 7pm on Golf Channel
WNBA. Draft - 7pm on ESPN2
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