Jurassic Park 5, BB Guns, & Virgins Rejoice!
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Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Virgins Rejoice! Xbox and 343 Industries are putting together a 14-team video game league called the "Halo Championship Series Pro League." The "sports" league, featuring eight teams from North America and six from Europe, runs from May 31st to July 28th, and features a $250k prize pool. It looks like all that time you spent in college playing Halo, smoking weed, and eating Pizza Rolls may finally pay off.
  • Me For The Win. Washington Nationals superstar Bryce Harper, who just adorned his bats with the popular "100" emoji to celebrate his upcoming home run milestone (currently has 99), stole second base with his batting gloves in his mouth because he's the narcissistic badass that baseball needs right now.
  • Knocked Out Dead. If you've ever watched UFC and wondered; "Is it safe for a human being to get punched and kicked in the head that many times?" Well, it's not. MMA fighter Joao Carvalho died yesterday after being knocked out in a UFC bout in Dublin, Ireland on Saturday. Somewhere, soulless NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is smiling knowing that the media's focus on traumatic brain injuries has shifted to another sport... at least for one day.
  • The Warriors Are Pigs. Have the Los Angeles Angels been playing the wrong sport this whole time? The Angels visited the Golden State Warriors yesterday, where Mike Trout and Joe Smith of the Angels beat Draymond Green and Steph Curry of the Warriors in a game of P-I-G. We're no longer confident the Warriors can clinch that NBA-record 73rd win against the Memphis Grizzlies tonight.

The Main Event
Tonight's the night. The long, drawn-out "victory lap" final season of Los Angeles Lakers legend Kobe Bryant's career is coming to a close. Bryant will play his last NBA game tonight against the Utah Jazz, and boy does it figure to be a bloated, anticlimactic spectacle for the ages.

Tickets for Kobe's last game are running from $772 to $28,000. That's a lot of money to watch an over-the-hill star and his dogshit basketball team (Lakers are currently 16-65) wrap up the worst season in franchise history. But fans aren't just paying to watch one game, they're paying to take part in a sendoff ceremony for one of basketball's all-time greats, and remember his greatest moments... and Kobe's got a boat-full of them.

Bryant was a force from the moment he stepped onto the court, amassing 18 All-Star selections, five NBA championships, two Finals MVP awards, two Olympic gold medals, and a Most Valuable Player award over 20 unforgettable seasons. His list of accolades and records are too pervasive to list, but our favorite part of Kobe's game was how he seemingly could score on his opponents at will during his dominant seasons. In 2007, Kobe scored 50-plus points in four consecutive games, which is just silly. This scoring feat is only surpassed by his 81-point game, the second most ever in NBA history (Wilt Chamberlain, 100).

Given his absurdly successful career, it's sad to see Kobe go out on such a low note. If we could express his last season musically, we'd simply do it with the brown note. Nevertheless, his last game is "going to be a 'zircus' — a zoo and a circus," according to Lakers publicist John Black. Kobe will be treated to appearances by former teammates, a never-ending amount of gifts, and a Jimi Hendrix-style national anthem courtesy of Flea, bassist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Worth $28k? Get real, but it'll certainly be a night to remember.

Good Sport
Real Deal
Real Madrid soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo is a bad son-of-a-bitch. After Real's 2-0 loss against Wolfsburg in the first leg of the Champions League quarterfinals last week, Real's chances to move on to the semis looked slim. Because a quarterfinal winner is selected by an aggregate score of two games, Real needed to kick some serious ass in their second leg match against Wolfsburg last night to stand a chance. Enter pretty boy Ronaldo, who kept his shirt on long enough to net a hat trick, with two of his goals coming just 86 seconds apart, giving Real the 3-0 win and a ticket to the semis. Now that he has a reason to celebrate, Ronaldo can take his shirt off once again and continue to show detractors his abs more than they see their own wives' breasts.

Related: Manchester City topped Paris Saint-Germain on aggregate points to move on to the semis, while Bayern Munich plays Benfica, and Barcelona faces Atlético Madrid in their second leg matches today.

Honorable Mention: The Baltimore Orioles are probably going to go 162-0, at least that's what their 7-0 start suggests.

Bad Sport
You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid!
Like Ralphie from A Christmas Story, University of Georgia football players Julian Rochester (defensive lineman) and Chad Clay (cornerback) are about to learn that owning a BB gun has consequences. The pair were arrested on weapon and criminal damage charges for firing a BB gun in their dorm room, and must have shot the place to shit, because they racked up more than $1k in damages. Both made bail and were released from jail, but still await discipline from the team. We suggest a timeout in the bathroom with a bar of soap in the mouth... it worked on Ralphie.

NBA owners are expected to pass a rule allowing advertisements on NBA jerseys by the 2017-18 season. "Now introducing the Toronto Raptors, brought to you by Universal Picture's Jurassic Park 5."

(Dis)Honorable Mention: The NHL's Ottawa Senators did a little spring cleaning yesterday, firing head coach Dave Cameron and three assistant coaches.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
It's Wednesday, which means it's time to sink your buck teeth into our booze selection of the week: Belching Beaver Brewery's Peanut Butter Milk Stout.
We made it down to San Diego this past weekend, which has just an absurd amount of craft breweries. If you're wondering, an easy way to tell the difference between a bar and a craft beer tasting room is that blue-collared, 50-year-old men playing darts and pool are replaced by bearded hipsters playing Jenga and Connect Four. Anyway, we ended up at Belching Beaver's tasting room on Saturday morning, and were fortunate enough to stumble upon their Peanut Butter Milk Stout. A peanut butter smell and taste hits you from the start, which gives way to a creamy, chocolaty finish. It's perfect for anyone who loves Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and you can probably find it at BevMo. Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to go be adults and dunk a few Reese's cups into a fat pint of this milk stout.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Orioles at Red Sox - 7pm on ESPN2
NBA. Heat at Celtics - 8pm on ESPN; Grizzlies at Warriors - 10:30pm on ESPN; Jazz at Lakers - 10:30pm on ESPN2
NHL PLAYOFFS. Rangers at Penguins - 8pm on USA; Red Wings at Lightning - 7pm on NBC Sports; Blackhawks at Blues - 9:30pm on NBC Sports
SOCCER. Champions League: Atlético Madrid vs. Barcelona - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1; Premier League: Crystal Palace vs. Everton - 2:55pm on NBC Sports
GOLF. LPGA Tour: LPGA Lotte Championship, First-Round Play - 7pm on Golf Channel
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