Preppington Academy, Las Vegas Raiders, & Flipping The Bird.
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Friday, April 29, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Preppington Academy. The Newport Yacht Club Team USA uniforms for the Rio Olympic closing ceremonies have been revealed by designer Ralph Lauren. The getups are perfect for a yuppie's weekend-getaway on the peninsula.
  • Three Times An Oshie. The Washington Capitals beat the Pittsburgh Penguins 4-3 (OT) in game one of their second-round playoff series last night thanks to T.J. Oshie and his hat trick performance. No, not this hat trick, this hat trick.
  • Pizza! Pizza! Town. In perhaps the lamest presser of all time, the Detroit Red Wings announced the name of their new arena will be "Little Caesars Arena." It'll serve as a great reminder for parents to tell their kids to eat double-stuffed pizza so they can grow up to be big and strong like they're favorite hockey players.
  • Las Vegas Raiders. Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis wants to move the team to Las Vegas so badly he's pledged $500 million towards a new stadium. Davis added he wants to turn "the Silver State into the silver and black state." A cheesy line from a man whose head literally looks like a cheeseball.
  • Summer Vacation! The Boston Celtics may have been ousted from the NBA playoffs last night with a 104-92 loss to the Atlanta Hawks, but they're the real winners because their season is now over!

The Main Event
The first round of the 2016 NFL Draft is in the books, and what a fashion-forward, drug-infused spectacle it was.

Top NFL prospects brought plenty of swagger to the red carpet in Chicago, with Ohio State running back Ezekiel Elliott deciding to go with a crop-topped dress shirt, while Laremy Tunsil of Ole Miss and Jalen Ramsey of Florida State rocked Cam Newton-inspired, “look at me” kicks.

The first two picks went as expected, with quarterbacks Jared Goff of Cal going first to the LA Rams, and Carson Wentz of North Dakota State going second to the Philadelphia Eagles. From there, things got interesting in a hurry when a video surfaced on Twitter of Tunsil smoking weed through a Gas Mask Bong (as seen on Workaholics). The video, in addition to a scandal revolving around him accepting money from Ole Miss coaches, caused the o-lineman to lose $7 million dollars during his slide from a projected top-five pick to the Miami Dolphins at 13. That’s one expensive bong.

Hey Tunsil, next time you smoke weed through a device traditionally used to prevent inhaling airborne pollutants and toxic gases, maybe don’t film yourself doing it. Check out how the rest of the draft played out right here.

Good Sport
Dammit, it's gonna be tough to hate on Peyton Manning after watching these. Gatorade released a series of videos honoring the recently-retired Manning, who apparently has an affinity for hand-written letters. The "#DearPeyton" ads show Manning's family, former teammates and coaches, and fans (included a cancer-patient's family) reacting to letters they received from the former NFL great, and the profound impact that experience had on them. Well done, Gatorade. Well done.

Bad Sport
The Big 80
Miami Marlins second baseman, and reigning National League batting champion, Dee Gordon was suspended 80 games without pay for PED use. Hopefully he won't need to sell the blinged-out chain Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria bought him (for winning the batting title) to cover living expenses until paychecks start rolling in again.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Swedish soccer match was cancelled when a fan threw a firework at a player, who then responded by throwing a corner flag javelin-style into the crowd. Are you not entertained?!

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Andrew McCutchen. The Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder hit three home runs in one game against the Colorado Rockies on Tuesday. The Pirates won 9-4 because, you know... McCutchen hit three freakin' home runs for five RBIs in one game.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Jonathan Elia Nicola. The "17-year-old" Canadian high school basketball player was discovered to be a 29-year-old impostor. Better yet, Nicola, who was in Canada illegally from South Sudan, claimed he was not a masquerader, but simply didn't know how old he was. In other news, the Good Old Sport team will be trying out for our local Pop Warner football team this fall.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Detroit Tigers outfielder Tyler Collins, who flipped off every Tigers fan for booing him after he made an error on Monday, was sent down to the minor leagues on Wednesday. The team said his demotion was not linked to his colorful gesture. Sure, just like the firing of this Subway "sandwich artist" wasn't linked to him putting his dick on soon-to-be-served sandwich bread.

Quote of the Week
"Some of the most racist things I’ve ever heard have come out of people that are on the air at ESPN. They’re some of the biggest racists in sports commentating." - Curt Schilling

The (now former) ESPN baseball analyst, who got his ass shit-canned this week for sharing a questionable post about transgender people on his Facebook page, fired back at his former employer by saying they're the true racists. Friendly reminder that Schilling drew a comparison between Muslims and Nazis on Twitter last year.

Good Old Caption Winner
"The Fly III: Header Of Death. Human gene-splicing goes awry yet again when a soccer ball finds its way into a malfunctioning teleporter being used by Cristiano Ronaldo's evil twin." - Ryan Henderson

Thanks for making us relive one of the grossest sci-fi movies ever where Jeff Goldblum turns into a fly. Your Good Old Sport tank top is on the way, Ryan. For the rest of you, here's a clip of Geena Davis blowing the head off the Goldblum-fly-hybrid monster with a shotgun at the end of the movie. Oh... spoiler alert.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Your weekend plans, we got 'em. Check it out.
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