Stone Cold Beers, Public Masturbation, & Going Sober By 2050.
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Friday, December 16, 2016

Friday Fun
  • You Heard It Here First. Alex Martins, CEO of the Orlando Magic, says his team will have 'At Least 1' Championship by 2030, when humans will have colonized Mars. In other news, we’re planning on going sober by 2050. Can’t rush these things, right, Alex?
  • Sorry, Chief. The Cleveland Indians are making some uniform adjustments next year, namely phasing out team mascot Chief Wahoo, probably so fans use less “scalping” references on their signs. While Wahoo won’t be completely removed from the uniforms in 2017 (he’ll still appears on the sleeves), the writing’s on the wall for the Chief and “redface” enthusiasts alike.
  • Austin 1:15. Former wrestler Steve Austin can drink you under the table. On the latest episode of his podcast, "Stone Cold" said he, the Dudley Boyz, and Stacy Keibler (yum!) drank 115 beers over one night in Japan. For those counting, that's 28.5 beers per person. Big deal. Having once drank 106 beers in one session, Andre the Giant is not impressed.
  • Going Rogue. NFL.com put together a listicle comparing NFL players to Star Wars characters. Most are spot-on, including Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles as a storm trooper (both can't hit shit), and Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger as X-Wing pilot Jek Porkins (both fat as hell). Check out the rest here.

The Main Event
WHAT?
This week, ESPN revealed its 2016 IMPACT25 winners, which are the 25 athletes and influencers who’ve made the greatest impact for women in sports… and ESPN mostly got it right.

WHAT ELSE?
It was an amazing year for female athletes, especially with the 2016 Rio Olympics, which provided a platform for incredible, gold medal performances by swimmer Katie Ledecky, wrestler Helen Maroulis, and boxer Claressa Shields – all of whom are 2016 IMPACT25 winners. The top honor for “Woman of the Year” went to Simone Biles, the 19-year-old American gymnast who took home four gold medals while becoming the face of the U.S. Olympic team. This lead to her celebrity exploding Stateside after the Games, including appearances on Ellen, a meet-and-greet with her celebrity crush, Zac Efron, and even a starring role in a music video (yes, really). You can see all the other honorees here, although none of them also star in a pop video… that we know of.

THOUGHTS?
Why the hell did Hillary Clinton make this list? Because she celebrated her hometown Chicago Cubs’ World Series win? (nice Yankees hat, btw) Get outta here with that shit. Seriously, read the actual reasoning behind this selection. The only sports tie-in is a claim that a sports documentary Hillary promoted in 1999 called Dare to Compete was one of the reasons she decided to run for public office. What the hell does that have to do with women in sports in 2016? NOTHING. Keep your political takes out of our goddamn face, ESPN, and give the spotlight to an athlete and/or sports influencer who actually deserves the recognition. Thank Christ ESPN doesn’t put on the Academy Awards or Hillary might have won an Oscar next February.

For the record, we’d be just as pissed if some dicknose shamelessly plugged that wispy-haired bottle of self-tanner for some shit he wasn't deserving of. Luckily, Trump isn’t a woman so he and his Verne Troyer hands weren’t even considered. End of rant.

Good Sport
We're The Best, Asshole!
With a 4-3 win over the Colorado Avalanche, the Philadelphia Flyers have won 10-consecutive games. This would give Philly fans a reason to cheer up and take a break from telling opposing fans; “you’re the worst - you’re ugly as shit - f*cking suck cock – go eat an asshole!” in the stadium concourse, but the Flyers were so shitty out of the gate they’re only in third place in their division.

Honorable Mention: Although Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton is undoubtedly a flamboyant douchebag, he donated $30k to an academic center and made an appearance as Hipster Santa, not that the get-up was much different from what he usually wears. Still, props to St. Newton.

Bad Sport
Put Your Dong Away, Sir.
Former Atlanta Falcons running back Jamal Anderson's penis needed some love in an Atlanta-area convenience store this week. The police were called after Anderson pulled out his dick and started feeding the geese for reasons unknown. Charges weren't filed, but luckily a tape of the 911 call was released.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Craig Sager. A beautiful man with a bevy of beautiful suits. The colorful and beloved sideline reporter died yesterday at 65 from leukemia. If we've said it once we've said it a thousand times - eat a dick, cancer.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Minnesota Golden Gophers Football. 10 players have been suspended from playing Washington State in the Holiday Bowl due to sexual assault allegations. On the plus side, their teammates will have more room to stretch out on the flight to San Diego (if they end up going at all).

Quote of the Week
“Absolute poopfest” - Richard Sherman

The Seattle Seahawks defensive back wasn’t shy about revealing his feelings for Thursday Night Football games. This despite the ‘Hawks 24-3 win over the runny-dump LA Rams last night.

Good Old Caption Winner
"The moment he realized he was having sexual thoughts about a woman as old as his mom." - Caleb Austin

Not bad, Caleb, but there's nothing wrong with a MILF. Right, dudes from American Pie?

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Here's shit to watch between Christmas movies this weekend.
Link of the Day: The best news bloopers of 2016 is out. Enjoy.
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