Joe Camel, Main Vein, & Memorial Weekend.
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Friday, May 27, 2016

Friday Fun

The Main Event
WHAT?
Thanks to two goals from right winger Bryan Rust, the Pittsburgh Penguins defeated the Tampa Bay Lightning 2-1 to advance to the Stanley Cup Finals, where they'll face the San Jose Sharks.

WHAT ELSE?
The Penguins have used their tiny, flightless wings to hoist the Stanley Cup (not this Stanley Cup; this Stanley Cup) three times in franchise history, and did so as recently as the 2008-2009 season. Meanwhile, the Sharks are finally getting rid of that V-Card by making their first Finals appearance in franchise history. Don't feel bad, we think it's kinda cute.

Leading the Penguins is their perennial star Sidney "Cry Baby" Crosby, but during the playoffs, the world's worst picture taker, Phil Kessel, has been Emperor Penguin, leading his team in playoffs points (18) and goals (9). The Sharks have been playing swimmingly thanks to Joe Pavelski (13 goals, 22 points), Logan Couture (16 assists, 24 points), and Brent Burns (14 assists, 20 points), but more importantly, let's take a look at another horrible Phil Kessel photo.

THOUGHTS?
Memorize the five names above, and you can bullshit your way through any conversation at your local pub, which you should go to when watching these games because nothing pairs with the Stanley Cup better than beer or 12. The Penguins host the Sharks in Game 1 Monday at 8pm ET.

Good Sport
Models > Everything Else
Spanish tennis star Rafael Nadal's win over Roland Garros yesterday at The French Open was the 200th Grand Slam win of his career, making him just the eighth player to notch 200 Grand Slam victories. Not only that, he's cruising through The French Open in his effort to break his own record for most titles at the tournament (9). Not bad, but we still think his topless photo shoot with SI supermodel Bar Refaeli is his biggest accomplishment to date.

Bad Sport
The New JoePa
Think of (now former) Baylor University football head coach Art Briles as the next Joe Paterno, with all of the sexual assault controversy and none of the success. Briles is getting his ass fired because of how he handled, or didn't handle, his players' raping tendencies.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Francisco Rodriguez. Having closed out the Philadelphia Phillies for a 3-1 win on Tuesday, the Detroit Tigers closer secured his 400th career save, joining just five other players who've reached that plateau. Good thing he didn't seriously hurt his arm after slapping around his girlfriend back in 2012.

Somewhat Related: Speaking of slapping women around, Atlanta Braves outfielder Hector Olivera has been suspended 82 games without pay for assaulting a woman in a hotel.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
The Scripps National Spelling Bee's Twitter Account. They spelled a contestant's name wrong in a tweet. That'd be like if IBM's Watson incorrectly answered a Final Jeopardy question. Wait a minute...

Related: The 2016 Bee ended in a tie for the third goddamn year in a row, with Nihar Janga (11) and Jairam Hathwar (13) splitting the top prize.

Quote of the Week
"It's a violent game that I personally don't think humans are supposed to play." - Doug Whaley

The Buffalo Bills GM said football is so dangerous that no person was meant to play it. Is this what it would feel like if Joe Camel told us humans aren't supposed to smoke cigarettes?

Honorable Mention: Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green said "I was f*cking awful" in Game 4 against the OKC Thunder. Let's see; one of seven from the field with just six points and six turnovers... you're right about that one, chief.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Main Vein violation in the Restricted Area" - Gordon Pollock

Gordon went for the low hanging fruit (pun intended), but we still appreciated the marriage of basketball terminology to a dick joke. Wear your new Good Old Sport shirt with pride knowing you won because you were inspired by another man's junk.

It's Memorial Weekend
Shout out to the greatest of all Good Old Sports; the men and women of the U.S. military. We're gonna celebrate Memorial Day with our typical holiday weekend bender, so we'll see you right back here on Wednesday, June 1. Cheers!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Check out all the holiday weekend action right here.
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