Bionic Woman, Monday Night Football, & Saturday Morning CARtoons.
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Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Master Of All. Michael Phelps may be the best Olympian ever, but he's no slouch in the lip sync department either, winning the all-star version of Spike TV's Lip Sync Battle with a rendition of Eminem's "Lose Yourself." Good thing he already had plenty of practice pulling off Em's patented hooded mean mug look.
  • Saturday Morning CARtoons. The same Nickelodeon-NASCAR partnership that brought us the Spongebob 400 will bring us the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 400 this weekend. The effectiveness of a marketing strategy targeting the eight-and-under crowd remains to be seen.
  • Date Night. LeBron James apparently orders for former teammate and BFF Dwyane Wade at restaurants, confirming who wears the pants in this bromance. "I'll have the steak, and my lovely date will have your caesar."
  • How The Mighty Have Fallen. If you're wondering how far LA Dodgers star Yasiel Puig's star has fallen (just called up from the minors), he's taken up cheerleading for the Dodgers and Rams, dress and pom-poms included.

The Main Event
Monday Night Football's double-header premiere is in the books.

First up was the Pittsburgh Steelers at the Washington Redskins, which turned into a 38-16 laugher in favor of The 'Burgh. The Steelers’ offensive assault was so overwhelming that wide receiver Antonio Brown couldn’t help but hump the air while celebrating one of his two touchdown receptions. Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger threw for three passing touchdowns (passing Joe Montana on the all-time TD pass list), and 1,733-year-old running back DeAngelo Williams ran for 143 yards and two scores.

Next, the San Francisco 49ers hosted Jeff “I'm not f*cking going 7-9” Fisher and his Los Angeles Rams, who would be lucky to go 7-9. The Rams offensive ran into a brick wall in the form of a surprisingly stout Niners defense, which forced two interceptions and 10 punts, while shutting out LA 28-0. Even worse, the Rams gained just 185 total yards, against 102 penalty yards. Did SoCal fans hold onto the receipt to return this team to St. Louis?

As with every other NFL game this weekend, last night's contests included players taking knees and razing fists during the national anthem, and we're over it. If this is going to turn into a central theme for the remainder of the season, we may bow out of watching any more games. Unless, of course, the Washington Redskins take comedian Daniel Tosh's advice of sitting Indian style.

NFL Pick 'Em Results
The Charges and Saints are now on Kaitlin Kan's shit list after those two teams were the only ones who didn't win for her. That's right, Kaitlin picked 14 out of 16 games correctly. We'll be sending her some koozies and money to place on next week's picks for us.

The best of the rest include:
1. Kaitlin Kan (14-2; 35*)
2. Tristian Bennett (11-5; 13*)
3. Patrick Malkowski (11-5; 45*)
T-4. Derek Vandermyde (10-6; 26*)
T-4. Connor Berry (10-6; 30*)

*Total points estimate for Monday Night Football (second game). Actual: 28

GET YOUR WEEK 2 PICKS IN NOW. Winner gets a pair of Good Old Sport Koozies. Submission deadline is Thursday, 9/15 at 8:20pm ET. Click here to get started.

Good Sport
Bionic Woman
Claire Lomas, a 36-year-old paralyzed woman from England, is a modern-day Steve Austin. She completed England's Great North Run (half marathon) wearing a $66k bionic suit, walking about three miles a day to complete the 13.1 mile journey. Oh, and she was also 16 weeks pregnant during her run, which makes us feel especially good when we're winded after a five minute walk to the local convenience store.

Bad Sport
To the surprise of no one except the Cleveland Browns, quarterback Robert Griffin III has already proven to be a bust in Cleveland. Not only did he play like dogshit on Sunday (12 of 26, 190yds, 1 int), but he was put on injured reserve yesterday with a shoulder injury. Don't worry though, he's eligible to underperform (return) again in week 10.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Baltimore Orioles backup catcher Caleb Joseph is on pace to become the first player in MLB history to have at least 100 at-bats without an RBI in a season, which is all the more surprising considering "baseball is a white man's sport," according to teammate Adam Jones, so Joseph (who looks like a tall glass of 2% milk) should be thriving.

Never Forget
To watch out for the celebratory nut shot. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
HOCKEY. World Cup of Hockey Pre-Tournament: Finland vs. U.S. - 7pm on ESPN
SOCCER. UEFA Champions League: Bayern Munich vs. FC Rostov - 2:30pm on ESPN2; UEFA Champions League: Barcelona vs. Celtic - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
BOXING. Premier Boxing Champions: Eddie Ramirez vs. Kevin Watts - 8pm on Fox Sports 1
WNBA. Minnesota at Chicago - 8pm on ESPN2
PARALYMPICS. Rio 2016 Paralympic Games - 2pm and 6pm on NBCSN
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