Lying Lochte, Princess Donald, & Worst Judges Ever.
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Monday, August 22, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend

The Main Event
America is really good at basketball.

As expected, both the men's and women's basketball teams won Olympic gold, and made their opponents look like they could have played for the New York Knicks along the way. Speaking of Knicks, their only not-horrible player, Carmelo Anthony, became the first man in history to win three basketball gold medals, which is super unimpressive to the five U.S. women who already have four gold medals. Anthony has since announced his retirement from Team USA basketball.

Another first and last goes to angry 40-year-old virgin/men's coach Mike Krzyzewski, who, in his final year coaching the international team, became the first basketball coach to lead an Olympic team to three golds. Replacing Coach K will be another angry man, Gregg Popovich.

As good as the men were, the women were better. During these Olympics, the women won their games by an average of 38.4 points, and extended the team's win streak to 49, proving again that the worst commercial campaign ever was correct, these professional athletes are thankfully better than us.

Good Sport
Happy Host Country
The Brazilian men's soccer team did their country proud and won Olympic gold vs. Germany. After entering the 26th minute of the game tied (what else is new?), Neymar curled a perfect free kick, which bounced on the underside of the crossbar and past the German keeper. Maximilian Meyer would tie the game 1-1 in the 59th minute, and that would remain the score through the end of regulation, forcing a shootout. The first four shots for each team went in, as expected, but then Nils Petersen's shot was blocked by Brazilian goalie Wéverton, allowing Neymar the opportunity to nail the winner, which probably won't be the only thing this national hero will be nailing this week.

Bad Sport
Say It Ain't So
The NFL is going to let a stupid thing like minute contractual details prevent Mike "Golden Voice" Tirico from commentating NFL's Thursday Night Football. Our thoughts exactly.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Usain Bolt. The Jamaican sprinter absolutely tore away from the pack to win gold in the 4x100m, the final piece in his ridiculous triple-triple, meaning he's won gold in the 100m, 200m, and 4x100m, in the '08 Beijing, '12 London, and '16 Rio games. Congratulations, Usain. It's been a pleasure watching you.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
The 65kg Freestyle Wrestling Judges. With 5 seconds remaining in the bronze medal wrestling match between Ikhtiyor Navruzov of Uzbekistan and Ganzorigiin Mandakhnaran of Mongolian, the judges forgot what it's like to be human and penalized Mandakhnaran, who was up 7-6, for pumping his arms in excitement of his soon-to-be bronze medal. After time expired they awarded a point to Navruzov, tying the match at 7-7 and, because Navruzov was the last to score a point, taking away the bronze medal from Mandakhnaran. The Mongolian's coaches protested by performing their own rendition of Thunder From Down Under, stripping off their clothes and throwing them on the judges' table. The judges performed another dick-move and awarded Navruzov another point, for a final of 8-7.

Quote of the Weekend
"You can either call that a robbery, you can call that extortion, or you can just say we had to pay the money for the damage of that poster." - Ryan Lochte

Umm...yes. We'll call it that last one. America's "highly intoxicated" swimmer spilled the beans on what really went down with the "armed robbery," and boy is he even dumber than we all thought. Check out both links above and it'll make your Monday feel so much better.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES. Consolation game - 11am on ESPN; International Elimination Game - 1pm on ESPN; U.S. Elimination Game - 3pm on ESPN; International Elimination Game - 6pm on ESPN; U.S. Elimination Game - 8pm on ESPN
WWE. Monday Night Raw - 8pm on USA
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