The Town Drunk, ZooChandler, & Linda Cohn The Seductress. 
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Thursday, January 7, 2016
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Quick Hits

The Main Event
WHAT?
Ken Griffey Jr. and Mike Piazza were voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame by the Baseball Writers Association of America last night.

WHAT ELSE?
In his first year on the ballot, Griffey received 99.3% of the vote, the highest percentage in Major League Baseball History. He is also the first No 1. overall draft selection to make it to the Hall. On the other end of the spectrum, Mike Piazza became the lowest drafted player (1,390th selection) to be enshrined. Piazza, widely considered to be the greatest hitting catcher of all time, made the cut in his fourth year on the ballot, despite suspicions of steroid use earlier in his career.

THOUGHTS?
Like many others, we're pissed Griffey wasn't the first player ever to become a unanimous, first-ballot selection for the Hall. He was on 437 of 440 total ballots, so who the hell didn't vote for him?! It's hard to pinpoint any suspects among the voters, comprised mostly of baseball journalists, but we suspect an outside influencer is guilty of sabotage! Stay with us here, but a couple years ago, ESPN "SportsCenter" anchor Linda Cohn went apeshit on Twitter to complain about an interview she had with Griffey. While the interview is admittedly painful, it's clear to us the awkward encounter festered within Cohn, consuming her every waking moment, until she finally used her trademark sex appeal to dupe three poor saps into passing Griffey over, one of which was most definitely that giggling MLB analyst, Tim Kurkjian. Case CLOSED.

Good Sport
I'D RATHER BE FISHING
The NHL announced the full roster for their 2016 All-Star Game, to be played on January 30th and 31st in Nashville. All the usual suspects made the cut, including: Patrick Kane (Chicago Blackhawks), Alex Ovechkin (Washington Capitals), and Drew Doughty (Los Angeles Kings). This will be the first year featuring the new tournament-style, 3-on-3 format, which should breathe some life back into the traditionally dull contest. Not that all players are excited about it, like Florida Panthers right winger Jaromir Jagr, who didn't want to be selected as an All-Star so he could go on vacation instead.

Bad Sport
BREAK IT UP
The Pittsburgh Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals haven't played a down yet in their upcoming AFC Wild Card game, but that hasn't stopped the NFL from issuing a warning to both teams about fighting. The two teams, who are AFC North division rivals, have been at each other's throats all season, with Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict taking center stage as a primary instigator. He celebrated after injuring Steelers running back Le'Veon Bell in Week 8, and was later fined for a low hit on Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Burfict claimed the low hit was an accident, but the league, and Roethlisberger, called bullshit. Be sure to tune into this one so you can proudly lay the clichéd, cheesy line, "I was watching a fight and a football game broke out," on your friends come Monday.

Good Old Caption
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Remember Your Playoff Picks
Get your NFL WILD CARD WEEKEND PICKS IN for our Good Old Sport Playoff Pick 'Em Challenge! We'll be keeping tabs on wins throughout the playoffs, and will crown a winner after the Super Bowl, so don't miss out on the first round!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Celtics at Bulls - 8pm on TNT; Lakers at Kings - 10:30pm on TNT
NHL. Flyers at Wild - 8pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Illinois at Michigan State - 9pm on ESPN; Arizona at UCLA - 9pm on ESPN2
GOLF. South African Open Championship, First-Round Play - 7am on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: Hyundai Tournament of Champions, First-Round Play - 6pm on Golf Channel
CONAN. Conan O'Brien enlisted his friends Ice Cube and Kevin Hart to teach a teenage Asian girl how to drive. Not sports related in a literal sense, but we promise it's the best damn thing you'll see all day.
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