The Clay King, Goalie Biff, & Get Hammered.
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Monday, April 18, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • Some Advice. If you're ever bored at a ballgame, just start having sex in the stands like these two Cleveland Indians fans did over the weekend. We know one Indian who would approve.
  • The World Is Ending. So they're selling bags of air that were captured from inside Staples Center during Kobe Bryant's final game. We'd say this level of stupidity makes us not want to live on this planet anymore, but then we'd need to buy Kobe's game air to breathe in space.
  • Oh, How Interesting. Fun Fact: The Toronto Raptors have never won Game 1 of a first-round playoff series (0-8). They kept that streak alive on Saturday when they lost to the no good Indiana Pacers (seventh seed) 100-90, because why break tradition?
  • Ankle Watch 2016. A bum ankle caused Golden State Warriors stud Steph Curry to log less than 20 minutes of game time, most of which he used to get in a shoving match with Rockets defender Patrick Beverley, in the Dubs' Game 1 win over the Houston Rockets on Saturday. Curry is questionable for Game 2 tonight, but expect him to play, and expect to see so many camera shots of his feet you'll begin to wonder how long Rex Ryan's been moonlighting as a cameraman.
  • Sympathy Points. Desperate for good press, the USC Trojans football team put in a blind long snapper (Jake Olson) at their spring practice this weekend. Olsen successfully executed a field goal snap, which was met with cheers from the crowd. We still like Bucky Lagrange, the armless second baseman, better.

The Main Event
To the displeasure of Boston-area commuters, there will be road closures aplenty this morning for the 30,000 racers participating in the 120th running of the Boston Marathon.

If you think just Kenyans and Ethiopians win these kinds of things, you're right. Runners from either country have won the men's open 23 of the last 25 times, and the women's 17 of the last 19 races. With that said, it's time to pay tribute to America Meb Keflezighi, who won the race in 2014. We're still so damn proud of his win we'll barely mention the fact he was born in Eritrea, East Africa. USA! USA!

This is also the third anniversary of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. To spite those terrorist dickholes, several survivors who lost limbs in the attack will run the marathon today before embarking on a 3,000-mile, cross-country trip called "One World Strong Trek." The journey was organized by the survivors as a way to tell their stories and "personally thank all those who helped in the healing process." Awesome.

Why someone would willingly run 26.2 miles is lost on us. Nevertheless, we'll read up on the results to let you know if anyone's nipples bleed through their shirt or someone suffers pants-shitting (literally) fatigue.

Good Sport
Double The Sooners
Come to the University of Oklahoma if you want to be the best at climbing on beams and shit. Both the men's and women's gymnastics teams won NCAA national championships this weekend. The men's squad won their second-straight title, while the ladies snapped Florida's streak of three-straight championships. Editors Note: One of Good Old Sport's favorites, actress Olivia Munn, is an Oklahoma alumna. Here's a gif of her with five giant bratwursts in her mouth.

Bad Sport
GTA: Strip Club Edition
UFC fighter Diego Brandão has been playing a little too much Grand Theft Auto. He reenacted his favorite video game by pistol-whipping a strip club employee at the ironically named "Knockouts Gentlemen’s Club." Brandão was arrested and charged with assault and battery. The UFC has yet to announce a punishment.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Syracuse defensive backs Chauncey Scissum and Corey Winfield were stabbed by former player Naesean Howard, who was suspended indefinitely by Syracuse before leaving the program because he "didn't feel comfortable" with the team... but stabbing people apparently still falls within his comfort zone.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Lionel Messi. The Barcelona soccer star scored his 500th career goal yesterday. His teammates are probably pissed he couldn't have gotten at least one more though, as Barcelona fell 2-1 to Valencia for their third-straight La Liga (Spanish football league) defeat.

Honorable Mention: Spanish tennis player Rafael Nadal is king of the clay. He beat Frenchman Gael Monfils for his ninth Monte Carlo Masters title, a tournament played entirely on clay courts.

Honorable Mention: South African golfer Branden Grace won the RBC Heritage, his first PGA Tour title. Maybe win eight more of those and we'll consider putting you above Nadal. Until then, back of the line, Branden.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Steve Mason. The Philadelphia Flyers goalie made a biff of hilarious proportions when he let a desperation shot from center ice slowly pass between his legs (five-hole!). The Flyers of course lost (4-1), and are now down 0-2 in their first-round playoff series with the Washington Capitals.

Related: The Minnesota Wild, Anaheim Ducks, and Los Angeles Kings are also shitting their playoff beds (all down 0-2).

Quote of the Weekend
"I can't wait to get back to North Mid and get hammered" - Andrew "Beef" Johnston

The English pro golfer with the nickname of a frat boy had booze on the brain after winning the Spanish Open, his first European Tour victory.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Cubs at Cardinals - 8pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 2: Mavericks at Thunder - 8pm on TNT; Game 2: Rockets at Warriors - 10:30pm on TNT
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 3: Capitals at Flyers - 7pm on NBC Sports; Game 3: Stars at Wild - 8:30pm on CNBC; Game 3: Kings at Sharks - 10:30pm on NBC Sports
SOCCER. Premier League: Stoke City vs. Tottenham - 2:55pm on NBC Sports
MARATHON RUNNING. Boston Marathon: The 120th annual race - 8:30am on NBC Sports
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