Thunder From Down Under, Shark Attack, & Taste The Rainbow.
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Friday, May 13, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Tisk, Tisk. Don't be naughty around the San Jose Sharks, because they're into spankings! After the 5-0 punishing they handed the Nashville Predators last night, the Sharks advanced to the Conference Finals where they'll take on the St. Louis Blues.
  • Gotta Get Out. One year of living in Florida was enough for Orlando Magic's now former head coach, Scott Ski(tt)les, who resigned unexpectedly.
  • Does This Help? When you don't make the playoffs and have nothing left to offer your fans who are now watching much better teams than yours play much better basketball than you do, there's only one last-ditch trick you can attempt to stop them from leaving: introduce new logos and uniforms. So that's exactly what the Utah Jazz did.
  • Booze O'Clock. Hockey is the official sport of fighting and drinking, so when your Washington Capitals get booted from the playoffs and there's no one for you to fight, you drink. Watch Comcast SportsNet reporter Michael Jenkins (no relation to Leeroy) drink his sorrows away on-air. We'll pour one out for you tonight, Michael.

The Main Event
WHAT?
For the fourth time in six years, the Oklahoma City Thunder are in the Conference Finals. Can they dethrone the Golden State Warriors?

WHAT ELSE?
Last night, the Thunder mopped the floor with the San Antonio Spurs 113-99, so that's a start. The Spurs were so good this year, they set a franchise record for most wins in a season with 67, just 6 less wins than the Warriors, the team everyone's been thinking about during their alone time. But should the Warriors, the season-long presumptive champions, be worried? Hell yes.

Kevin Durant and Russel Westbrook are playing better than ever, and have a stronger supporting cast (including Steven Adams, who recorded his third straight double-double last night, but more importantly, has 17 huge siblings) than the time they got embarrassed by LeBron James, aka the Miami Heat, in the 2012 Finals.

THOUGHTS?
This is going to be an exciting series to watch. Despite the Thunder having 4th quarter leads in all three games played between these two teams this season, the Warriors are 3-0 (116-108, 121-118 OT, 121-106) thanks to this ridiculous game-winning shot by Steph. We'd wager to say the Thunder are playing better now than in March, so get ready for some high-scoring, defense-optional basketball, just the way the league wants it.

Good Sport
Diversifying His Portfolio
Tom Brady wrote a cookbook, but the impressive part is that people actually paid $200 for it. The book, which helps readers take "another step toward achieving [their] peak performance," features only 89 recipes ($2.24 per recipe). If people are dumb enough to buy Uggs because of him, a cookbook shouldn't surprise us, but it still does.

Bad Sport
Sad News
20-year old University of Dayton basketball player Steve McElvene passed away after collapsing at his parent's house yesterday. He underwent an autopsy but no official cause of death has yet to be released.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Gronk. Throughout the offseason, Gronk's been living the life. He hosted a booze cruise, made children's clothes for adults, bought his own Monster Energy drink (which he calls Gronkster), and has been posting solid bro content to his new Instagram account, but things just got even better for him. It was announced yesterday that he'll be on this year's Madden cover. Now if only EA would make a Gronk Party Ship game, we'd really be interested.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
West Ham Soccer Fans. These asshats decided to delay the start of Tuesday's West Ham/Manchester United game by attacking Man U's bus. Police eventually resorted to using smoke bombs to clear the area. Still, putting people's lives in danger because they play for a different footie club is f*cking stupid, although West Ham did end up winning that game, so maybe the fans are on to something...

Quote of the Week
"I like, very much more, women than men. All my life, I've done that. The longer the legs theirs are, the more beautiful I think they are. Even in tennis, they're gracious and so on. But I don't see the equal prize money being the status. Maybe they deserve more? Pay more the women if they deserve." - Ion Tiriac

The organizer of the Madrid Open was asked if female tennis players should be paid equal to their male counterparts, but you understood that from his very clear, non-leg mentioning answer, didn't you?

Good Old Caption Winner
"Don't make me go Papelbon on your ass!" - Durran Moore

We started this email talking about spanking and we're ending it with choking. #FridayVibes. Congratulations, Durran! When wearing your new baseball tee, we guarantee you'll look better than Jason from Friday The 13th!

What to Watch
Who cares what the weather is like? You got sports to watch.
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