Don't Get No Respect, Serena Can Twerk, & Moth Seen 'Round The World.
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Monday, July 11, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • That's Strong, Man. Watch strongman Eddie Hall become the first person to dead-lift 500 kilograms, the equivalent of 1,102 pounds, or one "your mom."
  • Jeter Settles Down. Future Hall of Fame baseball player Derek Jeter married super-duper model Hannah Davis this weekend, because he likely grew tired of getting his butt eaten-out by his many former girlfriends, including: Minka Kelly, Jessica Alba, and Adriana Lima, among others. Man, if reincarnation is real, we want to come back as Jeter's asshole.
  • The Depression Sets In. OKC Thunder point guard Russell Westbrook is already struggling with Kevin Durant's departure from the Thunder. He lost to a seventh-grader at his basketball camp after the little guy hit a half-court shot.
  • Consolation Prize. The Chicago White Sox may have become the first team to turn three triple plays in a season since 1979, but that still didn't stop them from losing to the shittiest team in baseball (Atlanta Braves; MLB worst 31-58) in an 11-8, Friday night loss.
  • Just Quit Now. As Utah State's Chari Hawkins proves below, not all javelin throws are created equal. Check out the results of other Track & Field Olympic hopefuls, who didn't completely shit on their own dreams, right here.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Portugal beat France 1-0 in the Euro 16 Final for their first ever major tournament victory. The win was so historic and exciting for Portuguese players that one of them literally threw up on the pitch right after the match. Now that's passion!

WHAT ELSE?
Seeing as France were the favorites, and playing on home soil, things looked bleak for Portugal when their star player, Cristiano Ronaldo, was hauled off the field on a stretcher in just the 24th minute after suffering a knee injury. However, the Portugal defense held, maintaining a 0-0 draw well into extra time until Éder's 109th minute goal put Portugal ahead for good, ending a run of 10-straight defeats to France that stretched back to 1975.

THOUGHTS?
No matter the circumstances, including a historical win in one of the world's most prestigious soccer tournaments, leave it to people to gravitate towards the dumbest shit. As shown above, a moth landed on Ronlado while he was down, and the internet lost it. A Twitter account was even created for "The Ronaldo Moth," and it already has over 21,000 followers as of this writing. God help us.

Good Sport
100 For Hope
The United States women's national soccer team continues to garner worldwide respect by rolling up wins. This time they notched a 1-0 win against South Africa yesterday, mostly thanks to keeper Hope Solo delivering the 100th shutout of her career (record for international play). Now that Solo's made headlines, we're praying this is another opportunity for ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian to inexplicably wet himself with laughter at the mere utterance of her name.

Related: Unlike the USWNT, the National Women's Soccer League is feeling like Rodney Dangerfield. A TLC concert forced the Western New York Flash and Seattle Reign to play on a miniature, crudely constructed pitch in the outfield of a nearby minor league baseball field. The lines look like they were made by a little league coach with a $10 chalk liner.

Honorable Mention: American golfer Brittany Lang won her first major championship (U.S. Women's Open) after her one-hole playoff round opponent, Anna Nordqvist, shit the bed by getting nailed with a two-stroke penalty for grounding her club in a bunker.

Bad Sport
A Night To Forget
UFC 200 happened this weekend, and the consensus is it sucked shit, as we expected it to. On just two days notice, Anderson Silva looked terrible against light heavyweight champion Daniel Cormier, who won by unanimous decision. We're stunned. Also in the "underwhelming and disappointing" event, Miesha Tate lost her bout, and title, in a first-round defeat to Amanda Nunes, resulting in a hilarious post-game presser where Tate sounded Kermit the Frog-esque while clutching a broken nose. The big winner of the night was WWE wrestler Brock Lesnar, who, in his first UFC fight in five years, beat Mark Hunt and took home $2.5 million.

Somewhat Related: WME-IMG and MSD capital weren't bothered by the piss-poor showing at UFC 200, because they officially bought the UFC for $4 billion, which is the largest sale in sports history.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Serena Williams. With BFFs Jay Z and Beyoncé watching (don't ever forget when Serena twerked in Beyoncé's "Sorry" video), Williams destroyed Angelique Kerber in the Wimbledon Final to win her 22nd Grand Slam tennis title, tying Steffi Graf's open era record for major titles. Williams also won the doubles championship with sister Venus later in the day. Unfortunately for Serena, her Wimbledon crown is worth a little less thanks to Brexit, and the decreasing value of the pound. She'll lose out on $380,000 of prize money, as the debacle dropped her winnings from $2.97 million to $2.59 million. So who's really suffering from Britain's withdrawal from the EU?

Honorable Mention: British tennis star Andy Murray beat Milos Raonic to win his second Wimbledon title, probably because he didn't have to play world No. 1 Novak Djokovic, who was surprisingly upset in the third round.

Somewhat Related: Brit men cleaned up this past weekend, with English Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton winning his fourth British Grand Prix.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Cody Stanley. The free agent MLB player, formerly of the St. Louis Cardinals, was suspended 162 games for another performance enhancing drug violation. Even worse, it was for the same anabolic steroid he was suspended for in his past offenses. Cody, this is one of those cases where you probably shouldn't apply the "if first you don't succeed, try, try again" saying.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Oakland Athletes outfielder, and human Kellogg's character, Coco Crisp was suspended one game for tossing his bat at an umpire.

Quote of the Weekend
"I played like shit!" - D'Angelo Russell

Despite hitting a buzzer-beating three-pointer to lift the LA Lakers past the Philadelphia 76ers 70-69 in Summer League play, the Lakers point guard didn't sound thrilled with his own performance... on live TV.

Somewhat Related: Elsewhere in summer basketball, the Los Angeles Clippers and Orlando Magic apparently have 11-year-old boys running their official Twitter accounts, because they had no qualms incorporating Pokémon Go in their Tweets. On the plus side, the Clippers are on the verge of level 5 with the acquisition of Rattata (a purple, rat-type Pokémon with the hidden ability of "hustle," for you noobs out there)

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Home Run Derby - 8pm on ESPN
NBA SUMMER BASKETBALL. Heat vs. Nuggets - 8pm on ESPN2; Kings vs. Pelicans - 10pm on ESPN2
WWE. Monday Night Raw - 11pm on USA
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