Triple History, Them's Fightin' Words, and Get Some Sun.
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Monday, April 25, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • Obviously. In perhaps the most expected news of all time, the Los Angeles Lakers fired terrible coach Byron Scott after he led the Lakers to a terrible 17-65 record, worst in franchise history. Terrible.
  • He's Back. According to UFC fighter Conor McGregor, he and UFC president Dana White have kissed and made up. McGregor is back on the UFC 200 card.
  • Nice Do. Golfer Charley Hoffman won the Valero Texas Open, earning him $1,116,000. We’re hoping he uses the money to renew his vows and throw another Dumb and Dumber-themed wedding, complete with his classic Harry Dunne, bird's nest-style hairdo.
  • Wake Us Up When It's Over. Outfielder Chris Heisey gave the Washington Nationals a 6-5 win over the Minnesota Twins yesterday with a walkoff homer in the 16th inning. The game was over six hours long. We love baseball, but that's simply too much goddamn baseball.
  • Triple History. A triple play is rare in baseball. The Chicago White Sox' triple play against the Texas Rangers was rarer. So rare in fact the 9-3-2-6-2-5 triple play was the first of its kind in the 274,328-year history of baseball. So what the hell does 9-3-2-6-2-5 mean? Just watch it here.
  • Teammates? Despite falling behind by 1.5 seconds with 36 laps to go, NASCAR driver Carl Edwards won the Toyota Owners 400 at the Richmond International Raceway yesterday thanks in large part to the last-lap bump he gave Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch. Turns out "teammate" is a loose term in racing.

The Main Event
Here's your playoff-packed weekend roundup...

Get your brooms, our first two victims of the NBA playoffs are ready to be swept away. The San Antonio Spurs dealt the Memphis Grizzlies such a thorough ass-whooping in their series sweep it made Grizzlies head coach Dave Joerger cry like a baby. The Detroit Pistons didn't fare any better, falling 100-98 in a Game 4, series-sealing sweep to LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers last night, ensuring Justin Bieber will be able to perform at the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland on April 26. Luckily.

Elsewhere, the Bay Area held its breath at the end of the 2nd quarter when Golden State Warriors star Steph Curry slipped and fell with his legs awkwardly splayed out, looking much like your dad would if he tried to do the splits. Early indications are that Curry has an MLC sprain, but he's expected to undergo an MRI this morning. The number of devastated fans jumping to their deaths from the Bay Bridge tonight should provide a clear indication to the severity of the injury. Despite losing Curry, the Dubs ended up setting a new playoff three-point record (21 in a single game) on their way to beating the Houston Rockets 121-94, giving them a 3-1 series lead.

Sure, it was a bad weekend for two NBA teams, but the body count was much higher for deceased playoff teams in the NHL.The Detroit Red Wings, Florida Panthers, Los Angeles Kings, Minnesota Wild, New York Rangers, and Philadelphia Flyers lost their playoff series and will have to settle for drinking beer out of cans this offseason.

Good Sport
Get Some Sun
Spanish tennis star Rafael Nadal likes to play on clay more than weirdo actress Shailene Woodley likes to eat it. Nadal won the Barcelona Open (played entirely on clay courts) for a record ninth time yesterday. His 6-4 7-5 win over two-time defending Barcelona champion Kei Nishikori was also his 49th career title on clay courts, tying him with Guillermo Vilas for most all-time. Bonus Shailene Woodley fact: She regularly sunbathes her snatch. Can somebody put this broad in a padded room, please?

Honorable Mention: In Earth news, Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge won the London Marathon with the second-fastest time ever (2:03:05). In outer space news, British astronaut Tim Peake ran a marathon in the International Space Station (3:35.21).

Bad Sport
Them's Fightin' Words
After kicking the shit out of Ovince Saint Preux at UFC 197, Jon "Sexual Chocolate" Jones reminded us why he's such an asshole when he flipped fellow fighter Daniel Cormier the bird as he exited the ring. Cormier, who was supposed to fight Jones on Saturday before having to pull out with an injury, responded by calling Jones' newly-minted UFC interim heavyweight title "garbage."

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Kenta Maeda. The Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher is Godzilla and MLB hitters are a sea of screaming, helpless townspeople. Maeda, a rookie from Japan, pitched six scoreless innings in the Dodgers' 4-1 win over the Colorado Rockies on Saturday, and became the first pitcher in history to give up just one run in his first four MLB starts.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Jermaine Marshall. The former Arizona State basketball player, who now plays for the Greek team Nea Kifisia, reminded everyone that you don't go to ASU for academic reasons. During a playoff game against Aris (another Greek club), Marshall scored in the wrong basket as time expired, sending the match into overtime. Nea Kifisia went on to lose the game 108-103.

Quote of the Weekend
"F*ck You!" - Russell Westbrook

The Oklahoma City Thunder point guard provided a cordial rebuttal to a heckling fan during the Thunder's 119-108 win over the Dallas Mavericks on Saturday night. Upon learning of his $25k fine for said rebuttal, we can only assume Westbook responded with his standard "y'all n***ers trippin'."

Related: Westbrook's teammate, Kevin Durant, was ejected in the same game for pretty much punching Mavericks guard Justin Anderson in the head.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Yankees at Rangers - 8pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 5: Mavericks at Thunder - 8pm on TNT(Thunder lead 3-1); Game 4: Clippers at Trail Blazers - 10:30pm on TNT (Clippers lead 2-1)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 6: Ducks at Predators - 8pm on CNBC (Ducks lead 3-2); Game 7: Blackhawks at Blues - 8:30pm on NBC Sports (Series tied 3-3)
SOCCER. Premier League: Tottenham vs. West Brom - 2:55pm on NBC Sports
DRAG RACING. NHRA Drag Racing: Lucas Oil Series - 6pm on Fox Sports 1
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