The Unbreakable Joel Embiid, A Very Brady Haircut, & The San Diego Chicken.
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Friday, September 2, 2016

Friday Fun

The Main Event
Break out the face paint and the beer bongs, college football is back.

A slew of teams kicked off the 2016 season last night, including ranked squads Tennessee (9), who narrowly escaped Appalachian State 20-13, and Louisville (19), who slapped Charlotte around 70-14 (check out the scores from all of last night's matchups here). The big games start tomorrow, however, featuring: Oklahoma (3) at Houston (15), Clemson (2) at Auburn, and USC (20) at Alabama (1), who are the defending national champs and winners of four of the last seven D1 titles. Loved and loathed by many because of their success and insufferable bandwagon following, the Crimson Tide are pretty much the New York Yankees of college football. And wouldn't you guess it, they're favored to win it all again, followed by the Michigan Khakis and the Florida State Crab Thieves. Take a look at this weekend's full schedule here.

Elsewhere in college football, all eyes will be on the Heisman race, featuring favorite Deshaun Watson (QB, Clemson) and Rose Bowl hero Christian McCaffrey (RB, Stanford). We're just hoping those eyes aren't burned by the increasingly-ugly uniforms that are forced on us each season, which can best be described as the dub step of sports uniforms. Look at Maryland's abstract abomination for Christ's sake.

Moving on to something we can actually stand to look at are the great College GameDay fan signs. The "Lee Corso has a baby arm" is a classic, but let's not overlook "Saban pays for tinder," and "Bob Stoops eats soup with a fork."

Good Sport
70th For Venus
Venus Williams is very old and very good. Playing in her record 72nd Grand Slam, the 36-year-old took out Germany’s Julia Goerges to collect her 70th career U.S. Open victory. Hey look, we finally wrote about Venus without mentioning her much more successful sister, Serena. Shit.

Bad Sport
Fishy Winners
The crew of The Kallianassa (a fishing boat) has been accused of cheating in the White Marlin Open by dropping their lines in the water early. Tournament organizers are refusing to pay the $2.8 million prize, because several crew members failed lie detector tests when questioned about the incident. Clearly, the crew failed to consider George Costanza’s golden rule for passing a polygraph; “It’s not a lie, if you believe it.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Dylan Prichett-Ettner. Even a soccer hater (probably you) has to admit this is a dope-ass goal. The bad news for this Columbine High School junior is the goal was disallowed because he was offsides, the good news is if soccer doesn’t work out he’ll probably be able to land (pun intended, sorry) a spot on the U.S. gymnastics squad.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Tom Brady. What’s the New England Patriots quarterback going to do during his four game suspension? Probably pack lunches for his kids and watch reruns of The Brady Bunch based on his new, 1970s mom haircut he debuted this week. At least Carol Brady thinks Tom’s new do is “right on, man.

Quote of the Week
"I don’t care what kind of QB is there as long as they throw a catchable pass so I can get my rocks off." - Emmanuel Sanders.
The Denver Broncos wide receiver’s sexual fantasies involve men throwing balls at him. Loud and proud, brother. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

Good Old Caption Winner
"We've finally unmasked The San Diego Chicken." - Gregg Hunt

Kudos to Gregg for revealing the heart and soul behind the greatest mascot in San Diego sports history. Fill your new batch of Good Old Sport koozies with beers so you can get on her level.

Speaking of mascots, get a load of the trailer for Christopher Guest's (director of This Is Spinal Tap and Best In Show) new comedy, "Mascots."

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
It’s college football time. If you can’t make it out to a tailgate, throw a few back in your driveway before watching this weekend’s games.

It's Labor Day Weekend, And We're Not Laboring
Much like you, we're not planning on doing any laboring over an extended Labor Day weekend. We'll see you knuckleheads next Wednesday.
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