Rubber Neck, Dickgate, & Yosemite Sam.
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Friday, March 11, 2016

Friday Fun
  • The Last Dance. In the final meeting between two of the best players in NBA history, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, we were treated to a vintage performance by Kobe. As he has done for so many years, Kobe led the Lakers in points (26) while getting pissed at teammates and asking "what the f*ck" they were doing in the 120-108 loss to LeBron and the Cavaliers. Ah, memories.
  • Professor Brainard. Nate Robinson, a 5'9" former NBA player who likely had to spray flubber on his shoes so he could jump high enough to dunk (and yes, he could dunk), announced via YouTube video that he plans to play pro football next season. Sorry, Nate, but we're pretty sure flubber's a banned substance in the NFL.
  • Rubber Neck. Montreal Canadiens defenseman P.K. Subban was carted off the ice on a stretcher last night after a teammate nearly took his head off during the Canadiens' 3-2 win over the Buffalo Sabres. Thankfully the medical staff was capable of carrying Subban off the ice without dropping him a dozen times, unlike any group of soccer medics ever.
  • Winning. Tashaun Gipson's got jokes. The free safety said he left the Cleveland Browns in free agency for the Jacksonville Jaguars because he "wants to start winning." Damn, Tashaun, we haven't laughed like that in a dog's age.
  • Uni Win. The Muskegon Lumberjacks (junior hockey) will wear uniforms fit for a frat bro on spring break during Saturday's "Beach Night" game. The ensemble includes a screen-printed tank top complete with drawn-on muscles, Chubbies-style short shorts, and '80s dad socks. It's the best uniform to ever happen.
  • Please Fire Me. Rutgers fired men's basketball coach Eddie Jordan after an impressively shitty 7-25 season, which is surprisingly worse news for Rutgers than Jordan. Rutgers still owes Jordan $2.1 million in Salary. We'd kill to be fired for that kind of severance package.

The Main Event
WHAT?
The United States women's national soccer team (USWNT) won a tournament that simply has the dumbest name in professional sports: the "SheBelieves Cup."

WHAT ELSE?
The seven-day, four-team tournament featured the U.S., Germany, England, and France, with the U.S. winning all three of their matches en route to being crowned the inaugural SheBelieves Cup champions. USWNT striker Alex Morgan won both MVP honors and the Golden Boot, while fellow American Hope Solo took home the Golden Glove award given to the best goalkeeper. The tournament was viewed as "a massive test for the world's top teams" ahead of the Rio 2016 Summer Olympics, and considering the Red, White, and Blue pulled through undefeated, it's safe to say the USWNT passed with flying colors.

THOUGHTS?
Seeing the USWNT bring home the SheBelieves Cup trophy made us think of two things. First, that we'll be able to belt out a drunken and victorious "USA!" chant at the conclusion of the women's soccer tournament at the Olympics. Second, the SheBelieves Cup trophy looks shockingly like the Larry David "big vagina" hand gesture from Curb Your Enthusiasm. What kind of message are they trying to send here? Could it purely be coincidence? We think not.

Good Sport
Minimal Effort, Maximum Result
Despite posting just seven points and three rebounds in a 109-101 victory over the Chicago Bulls last night, San Antonio Spurs power forward Tim Duncan became just the sixth player in NBA history to record 15,000 career rebounds. He joins Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as the only other player with at least 25,000 points, 15,000 rebounds, and 3,000 blocks. Welcome to the most celebrated shitty performance of all time... except for maybe Peyton Manning's wet-stool of a showing in Super Bowl 50.

Bad Sport
Dickgate
Los Angeles Clippers point guard Chris Paul could face a fine and/or suspension for slapping Oklahoma City Thunder star Kevin Durant right in the dick. The (clearly intentional) hit on Durant came in the second quarter of the Thunder's 120-108 win on Wednesday night. We're already championing the term "Dickgate" for this scandal, so when you hear it around the office, remember you saw it here first.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Florida International University basketball player Adrian Diaz kicked an opposing player in the dick (twice) during a loss to University of Texas at El Paso. In related news: hitting people in the dick is the new "it thing" for 2016.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Russell Westbrook. During the infamous "Dickgate" game, the OKC Thunder point guard posted an epic triple-double, which included 25 points, 20 assists, and 10 rebounds. Is that impressive? Hell ya it is. He's the first player to hit numbers like that in 28 years, with Magic Johnson being the last to accomplish the feat in 1988.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Rafael Nadal. In the same week the Spanish tennis star said Maria Sharapova "must pay" for her failed drug test, former French secretary of sport Roselyne Bachelot accused Nadal of doping during the 2012 season. She claims Nadal missed seven months that year because he was dodging drug tests, not because he was injured as he claims. This feels like the Looney Tunes episode where Yosemite Sam pulls a gun on Bugs Bunny, only to have it unexpectedly spun around in his hand to shoot himself in the face.

Quote of the Week
"The game is becoming a freaking joke because of the nerds who are running it. I'll tell you what has happened, these guys played rotisserie baseball at Harvard or wherever the f*ck they went and they thought they figured the f*cking game out. They don't know shit." - Goose Gossage

The old, irritable Hall of Fame baseball player spouted off about how people in senior positions within MLB, who have never played pro baseball, are ruining the game. As a side tangent, he also called Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista a "f*cking disgrace to the game," and Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun a "f*cking steroid user." Can we please get this guy at the next Comedy Central Roast?

Good Old Caption Winner
"When you an Avatar trying to hair-bond but your direhorse ain't feelin' it"

Extra credit points to Damon Hughes for the obscure, but surprisingly spot-on Avatar reference. A GOS pint glass is on the way for you to enjoy a cold one with whatever James Cameron flick you throw on next.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Check out this weekend's glorious action right here.
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