Bees Are Racists, LOL Injury, & New No. 1
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Monday, March 28, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • Back! Sort Of. Good News: The hand Los Angeles Clippers power forward Blake Griffin broke when he punched a Clippers equipment staffer has finally healed, and he's been cleared to play. Funny News: Griffin will now begin a four-game suspension for the aforementioned beating of an equipment staffer.
  • LOL Injury. Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Will Smith suffered an injury that only a baseball player, or possibly your fat, 60-year-old uncle could suffer. He tore a ligament in his knee while trying to take off his shoe. The hilarious injury will cause Smith to miss the entire 2016 season.
  • Bees Are Racists. Chicago Cubs center fielder Jason Heyward was stung 10 times on his face and neck during a 12-9 spring training loss to the Seattle Mariners. Meanwhile, all the white boys on the Cubs went untouched, which means hate groups are officially an interspecies issue.
  • Bad Bicycle Day. It was a bad weekend to be a professional cyclist from Belgium. 25-year-old Antoine Demoitié died after getting run over by a motorcycle at the Gent–Wevelgem (Belgian road cycling race), and 22-year-old Daan Myngheer suffered a heart attack at the Criterium International (French bicycle stage race). Thankfully, Myngheer might live. Now that your spirits are up...

The Main Event
And then there were four. No. 2 Villanova, No. 2 Oklahoma, No. 10 Syracuse, and No. 1 North Carolina survived the "Elite Eight" and will move on to the "Final Four" next Saturday, where Villanova will take on Oklahoma, and Syracuse will try to keep their miracle run going against North Carolina.

The top-seeded teams shit the bed. No. 1 Kansas, No. 1 Oregon, and No. 1 Virginia all lost, leaving North Carolina as the sole No. 1 seed to reach the Final Four. Kansas, the tournament favorite, lost their first game in over two months, a 64-59 flub that gives Villanova their first Final Four appearance since 2009. Oregon looked like a team that didn't belong when they got slapped around by Oklahoma 80-68, mostly thanks to Sooners guard Buddy Hield, who dropped almost half of Oklahoma's total points (37). Meanwhile, Virginia has the dubious honor of allowing the first No. 10 seed ever to reach a Final Four when they somehow allowed Syracuse to crawl out of a 16-point deficit to win 68-62. Syracuse didn't even need their shoes on to sink three-pointers for Christ's sake. North Carolina was the only top-seeded team to act like a grown up, taking care of business in a 88-74 win over Notre Dame.

Celebrating your win can be dangerous - be mindful of your fingers when cutting down nets! Make sure to check out how terrible your bracket is right here.

Good Sport
New No. 1
Former world No. 2 golfer Jason Day is now the world No. 1 golfer after beating South African Louis Oosthuizen to win the Dell Match Play Championship. Day has won six of his last 13 PGA Tour events dating back to July 26. No other player has more than two wins during that same period, including former No. 1 Jordan Spieth, who is now a worthless dirtbag as just the second best golfer in the world.

Bad Sport
Upset Special
Guatemala has a terrible national soccer team. They're ranked 95th in the world, and they only won three of the 16 games they played last year. The United States Men's National Soccer Team (USMNT) hadn't lost to Guatemala in over 28 years, the longest streak for the USMNT against any other country. You know where this is going...

The USMNT suffered a humiliating 2-0 loss to Guatemala in a World Cup qualifying match on Friday night. The loss, which included the on-field emasculation of USMNT captain Michael Bradley, who had a ball passed between his legs, drops the USMNT to third place in their group (behind Trinidad & Tobago and Guatemala), and casts legitimate doubt on their ability to qualify for the 2018 World Cup. At the very least, we can certainly put a muffle on that garbage "I believe that we will win" U.S. soccer chant.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Golden State Warriors. The cocky bastards broke the record for three-pointers in a season (933 set by 2014-2015 Houston Rockets) in a 128-120 win over the Dallas Mavericks on Friday, and they extended their NBA-record home winning streak to 53 games by beating the Philadelphia 76ers 117-105 last night. Enough already. We get it, you're good.

Honorable Mention: New York Knicks power forward Kristaps Porzingis, who Kevin Durant called a basketball "unicorn," became the only rookie in NBA history to "score more than 1,000 points, grab 500-plus rebounds, make 75-plus three-pointers and block more than a 100 shots." Knowing this, we have to agree with Durant's "unicorn" evaluation. It's incredibly rare for a white dude to be this good at basketball.

Honorable Mention: Old man Jágr's still got it. Carolina Panthers right winger Jaromír Jágr became the oldest player (44) to knock in 25 goals in a season during a 5-2 win over the Tampa Bay Lightning on Saturday.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Jeffrey Simmons. The five-star defensive end, who's due to play his first season for Mississippi State this fall, is following in the footsteps of his childhood hero, singer Chris Brown. Simmons was caught on tape hitting a defenseless women with a flurry of punches. Remember his name, because we're calling it; Jeffrey Simmons' proven athletic ability and apparent hatred towards women means this guy's gonna be an NFL superstar.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Cleveland Cavaliers upstanding gentleman J.R. Smith is being sued for $2.5 million for choking some dude outside of New York nightclub. We know, we can't believe the same guy who messaged a high school girl, "You trying to get the pipe?" would be a bad guy either.

Tweet of the Weekend
"I want a ref mgmt team that demands quality instead of brain scans and one that doesn't have politicians." - Mark Cuban

The Dallas Mavericks owner and Shark Tank star took a break from putting hopeful entrepreneurs on blast to rip into NBA officials for "[mailing] it in." Cuban no doubt has a fine coming his way, but as he's proven in the past, we're sure he'll respond with a "f*ck it" kind of attitude.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Spring Training: Orioles at Red Sox - 1pm on ESPN
NHL. Sabres at Red Wings - 7:30pm on NBC Sports; Kings at Sharks - 10pm on NBC Sports
WOMEN'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Texas vs. Connecticut - 7pm on ESPN; Oregon State vs Baylor - 9pm on ESPN
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