Baby-Poo Color Rush, Puka Shells, & Wet Your Whistle Wednesday.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Stop That Man! The only thing better than Kevin Harlan's radio commentary of the fan who ran onto the field during the Niners-Rams game on Monday night was that the "runner" had his phone number written on his chest while doing it.
  • Maxi Pad. Thanks to a two-goal/terrible celebration performance from Maxi Urruti (15' and 61'), FC Dallas force-fed the New England Revolution some shit chowder to win last night's U.S. Open Cup - America's oldest soccer tournament (began in 1914) which you didn't even know existed. That's a Red Card!
  • Fancy Bear Folly. As if Russian athletics couldn't look any worse, the World Anti-Doping Agency claims a Russian hacker group called Fancy Bear stole confidential documents that "prove" America cheated in the 2016 Rio Olympics. However, after review, the hacks apparently don't prove anything. So, better luck next time?
  • Get This Kid A Uniform. This is why it's important to have youth sports be separated by weight class, not age group. And no, this isn't recently released LA Rams defensive end Ian Seau, it's a nine-year-old kid who absolutely adores Hawaiian BBQ. Extra mac-salad, please.

The Main Event
In a thinly-veiled marketing ploy, the NFL is bringing back “color rush” uniforms for every Thursday Night Football game this year.

As it’s undoubtedly still burned into your retinas, you’ll recall a handful of teams wore bright, monochromatic uniforms for a few Thursday night games last year. Who could forget the ketchup and mustard battle between the Tampa Buccaneers and the St. Louis Rams? This year every team will don color rush unis, beginning with the Buffalo Bills and the New York Jets this Thursday. Fortunately for the colorblind (approx. 10 million Americans), the NFL consulted ocular experts due to last year’s snafu between the Bills and Jets, whose red and green uniforms appeared indistinguishable for colorblind viewers. Matchups featuring teams with what are considered to be problematic color schemes will have one of the teams wear white uniforms to aid differentiation. Check out all of the newly released uniforms here.

The worst color rush uniform still belongs to the Jacksonville Jaguars, who will once again rock the baby-poop, Dijon mustard-esque disaster they trotted out last season. Honorable mention for worst unis goes to the Seattle Seahawks and Baltimore Ravens, which look like they were inspired by It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s green man and Barney, respectively. The Denver Broncos get props for bringing back their dope-ass retro helmet (although the uniform leaves much to be desired), while the San Diego Chargers get the nod for best uniform overall.

Good Sport
Champions League Returns
To the pleasure of soccer fans, the first Group Stage matches for the 2016–17 UEFA Champions League began yesterday, highlighted by a ridiculous 7-0 win for FC Barcelona over Celtic F.C. Unfortunately, the win was tainted by Barcelona stars Lionel Messi (who scored a hat trick) and Neymar's horrible bleached hairdos. They just need a couple sets of puka shells and Billabong t-shirts to complete the early 2000s surf kid look. Check out the results of the other Matchday 1 games here.

The Ringers
Four Paralympic athletes ran the men's 1500m at the 2016 Paralympics faster than anyone did at the Rio Olympics 1500m final, which can mean only one thing: these dudes are terrible people who are clearly pretending to be disabled to gain a competitive edge à la South Park's Eric Cartman... or maybe they're just really good athletes. We'll go with the former because it's more hilarious.

Bad Sport
Bad Brotherly Influence
Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan, who lost over 100 pounds after having lap-band surgery in 2010, had his lap-band device removed in a show of "solidarity" for his brother, Bills assistant coach Rob Ryan, who had to have his own lap-band removed following complications. Sexy Rexy has already put on 30 pounds since the procedure, which happened to coincide with the arrival of Rob to the Bills' coaching staff. It's a surprising move given that Rex dressed up as "Fat Rob" to make fun of him just a few years ago.

Brown Streak
This Sunday, the Cleveland Browns will become the first team in NFL history to start multiple quarterbacks in 15-straight seasons. "But how about those Cavs?" - Cleveland sports fan.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
The Good Old Sport team was at a bachelor party in Big Bear this past weekend getting all sorts of weird on our booze selection of the week: The Rootin' Tootin' Sailor.
In addition to some (okay, a lot) of beers, we treated ourselves to a Rootin' Tootin' Sailor, the tastier version of a rum and coke. Made with a simple blend of Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum and root beer, the sweetness of the root beer serves as a surprisingly balanced compliment to the Jerry, while cutting the rum's 92 proof alcohol content (typical hard liquors are 80 proof). However, as one of our colleagues discovered, this delicious concoction can be a double-edged sword because the potent, yet sweet cocktail goes down incredibly easy, creating unexpected, broad-daylight boating naps. Morale of the story: be careful tossing back Rootin' Tootin' Sailors while you're sailing.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Orioles at Red Sox - 4pm on ESPN; Mariners at Angels - 7pm on ESPN
HOCKEY. World Cup of Hockey Pre-Tournament: Russia vs. Canada - 4:30pm on ESPN2
SOCCER. UEFA Champions League: Juventus vs. Sevilla - 11:30am on ESPN2
GOLF. U.S. Mid-Amateur, Semi-Final Play - 12pm on Fox Sports 1
PARALYMPICS. Rio 2016 Paralympic Games - 11am on NBC Sports
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