Drayzilla, Team Black Cat, & Flightless Pokémon.
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Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
Wait until Friday for the Olympics? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Despite the Rio Opening Ceremonies being two days away, Olympic soccer starts today, goddamnit.

Six women’s preliminary matches kick off the 2016 Games today, including a meeting between the United States and New Zealand (6pm ET). The U.S. is expected to steamroll the Kiwis (a team that’s never finished higher than eighth in the Olympics), and are favored to take home their fourth-consecutive gold medal. In fact, the only year the U.S. didn’t win gold in the history of women’s Olympic soccer (est. 1996) was in 2000, when the Stars and Stripes settled for second behind Norway. Damn Norwegians, blowin’ up our perfect record.

The men's matches get underway tomorrow, and holy shit could the U.S. teams not be any more different, mostly because the men’s squad wasn’t even good enough to qualify. It’s a shame they won’t be able to improve upon the two total medals they’ve won (silver and bronze) in the 116-year history of men’s Olympic soccer. As for the teams that aren’t smoldering piles of dung, Brazil (the 2012 runner-up), Argentina, and Germany have been tabbed as favorites.

Not a fan of soccer but can’t wait for the rest of the Olympic events to start? Placing a dangerously large wager can make any of today's games must-see TV! For the first time since 2000, Las Vegas is accepting bets on the Olympic Games. Gambling addicts rejoice!

Good Sport
We're Finally Watching
We've got bad news for misogynists, because fans are watching the hell out of the WNBA this year. In the league's 20th anniversary season, household ratings have increased 100%, and video views across the WNBA's social media platforms have topped 24 million, a 500% increase over this time last year. Sorry, Family Guy, but the crowd at a WNBA can no longer be described by the singular "fan."

Bad Sport
Team Black Cat
The Australian Olympic team must have broken a mirror or walked under a ladder or some shit, because the sports gods are frowning down upon them. Having already been victims of two separate robberies, gas leaks, faulty plumbing, and a room fire, the Australian team will now quarantine four players from their women's water polo team after they picked up a gastrointestinal illness prior to arriving in Rio. Expect to see the earth open up and swallow the team whole by next week.

Related: Australian-born NBA player Andrew Bogut put the International Olympic Committee and the Rio Athletes Village on blast, tearing the accommodations on Twitter with derogatory comments and pictures accompanied with the ironic hashtag #IOCLuxuryLodging.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: National League home run leader Trevor Story has been undone by his thumb. The Colorado Rockies star infielder is expected to miss the rest of the season after tearing a ligament in his thumb.

Amateur Fight of the Week
Hopefully these golf bros have an easier time landing a golf ball on a green than they do a fist on a face.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
In honor of the Rio Olympics, we've chosen Brazil’s national cocktail as our booze selection of the week: The Caipirinha.
As the world’s top producer of sugar and fifth-highest producer of limes, it’s easy to see how the Brazilians came up with the Caipirinha. All it takes is half a lime (quartered) and a teaspoon of white sugar, muddled in an Old Fashioned glass, topped with ice and a shitload of Cachaça (2 ½ - 3 ounces). For you unworldly rubes, Cachaça is a distilled spirit made from sugarcane juice, which can be likened to rum. As a matter of fact, if you don’t have access to Cachaça (we bet it ain't in your liquor cabinet), you can use white rum instead. Just make sure you buy enough of it, because the Brazilians happened to choose a mixed cocktail that’s almost all booze, probably so they could tolerate their heinous living conditions. Seeing as the living conditions are garbage in the Athletes Village also, Olympians may want to follow suit by throwing a few Caipirinhas back to forget where they are. In any case, the finished product should look slightly foggy with a light green tint to it, much like Rio’s drinking water. Hiyo!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Mets at Yankees - 7pm on ESPN
OLYMPICS 2016: SOCCER. Women's: Sweden vs. South Africa - 11:30am on NBC; Women's: Canada vs. Australia - 1pm on NBC Sports; Women's: Brazil vs. China - 3pm on USA; Women's: U.S. vs. New Zealand - 6pm on NBC Sports; Women's: Zimbabwe vs. Germany - 5pm on USA; Women's: France vs. Colombia - 9pm on NBC Sports
SOCCER. International Champions Cup: Barcelona vs. Leicester City - 2pm on ESPN; International Champions Cup: Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid - 7:30pm on ESPN2; International Champions Cup: AC Milan vs. Chelsea - 9:30pm on ESPN2
GOLF. U.S. Women's Amateur, First-Round Play - 3pm on Fox Sports 1
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