Tebow-ball, Olympic Boob Slip, & #PhelpsFace.
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Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Tebow-ball. NFL failure Tim Tebow is going to pursue a career in pro baseball because why not make an ass out of yourself in not one, but two sports?
  • Wardrobe Malfunction. Despite NBC's incessant use of tape delays, a bare boob still managed to make an appearance during the U.S.'s 11-4 stomping of Spain in the women's water polo opener. Here's the clip, pervert. (NSFW)
  • #PhelpsFace. South African swimmer Chad le Clos did some f*ckboy dance in front of Michael Phelps before their 200-meter butterfly, and Phelps wasn't having any of it. His look of utter disgust at le Clos instantly become internet fodder, spawning an infinite amount of memes. Phelps would end up winning gold in the final while le Clos finished in fourth, which earns him this.
  • Goldmembers. The U.S. women's gymnastics team pulled out all the stops on their way to winning gold in the all-around competition. There's a reason why it's not called gym-nice-tics. The Red, White, And Blue continues to lead the overall medal count, with 26 total, nine of which are gold.
  • WTF. Serena Williams is out of the Olympics after losing her third-round match to Ukrainian Elina Svitolina, and Hope Solo biffed an easy 90th-minute save, which gave Columbia a 2-2 tie vs. the U.S. women's soccer team. All this leaves us asking Tom DeLonge's famous question.
  • Ruy Can Fly. Equestrian is undoubtedly the worst Olympic sport. It's the curling of the Summer Olympic Games, with perhaps even less athletic ability required, which is why we didn't feel bad when Brazilian equestrian Ruy Fonseca's horse stopped short of an obstacle, sending him flying head over heels.
  • Black Face Bobblehead. The Boston Red Sox cancelled David Ortiz Bobblehead Night because the Red Sox' president dubbed the figurines “offensive” and “racially insensitive" upon seeing them. Racially insensitive? Christ, this bobblehead would make Ted Danson blush.

The Main Event
Prince Fielder, perhaps the most beloved fat dude in Major League Baseball, is expected to retire due to a chronic neck injury.

The son of former pro ballplayer Cecil Fielder, Prince made his Major League debut with the Milwaukee Brewers in 2005. Luckily, Prince not only shared his father's plus-size bod, but also inherited his nose for the ball, as he collected three Silver Slugger Awards and six All-Star selections. Prince and his dad were also the only father-son combo to hit at least 50 dingers in a single season, and, incredibly, both have exactly 319 career home runs (fat-guy destiny!). Prince is still our favorite Fielder, though, mostly because he made batting look so easy, yet fielding (pictured above) and base running so difficult. Also, Prince wasn't one to shy away from eating fans' nachos during the middle of a game, which probably explains why he looked like this for his ESPN "Body Issue" cover.

Lord, we'll miss moments like this. Goodnight, sweet Prince.

Good Sport
No Payne No Gain
American golfer Jim Furyk, who shot a 58 last weekend to set the record for the lowest single-round score in PGA Tour history, has been awarded the 2016 Payne Stewart Award, given annually to a pro golfer that "best exemplifies steadfast values of character, charity, and sportsmanship." No wonder Tiger "120 mistresses" Woods never won it.

Honorable Mention: The NBC Olympic website's 404 "Page Not Found" error screen is so good it's worth not arriving at your desired page. It doesn't not include a high-dive back flop.

Bad Sport
Baggage Biff
Argentinean Emiliano Grillo, the 39th-ranked golfer in the world, probably won't be flying American Airlines again anytime soon. Living up to its billing as one of the worst airlines, AA lost Grillo's golf clubs in transit to the Rio Olympics, leaving Grillo without his clubs for days. Luckily, Grillo received his bag just in the nick of time, with the golf tournament beginning tomorrow. He Tweeted a photo of himself hugging the closed-up bag, so we hope he looked inside to make sure it was the right one. Heaven forbid he got the wrong bag filled with dildos and sex whips à la Meet The Parents.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Right tackle Lane Johnson has rewarded the Philadelphia Eagles for giving him a five-year, $56.25 million contract this offseason by testing positive for PEDs... again. He'll miss the first 10 games of the 2016 season.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: When competing in the Olympics, consider leaving your cell phone in your bag. French fencer Enzo Lefort didn't think that was necessary, as his phone fell out of his pocket in the middle of a match, which he lost because karma.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
In honor of National Lazy Day, we're whipping up one of the easiest cocktails known to man for our booze pick of the week: The Vodka Tonic. Even you can't screw this up!
If you already guessed that a Vodka Tonic consists of vodka and tonic water, holy shit! Put down whatever you're doing and buy yourself a goddamn cookie, you mixologist you. The recipe's literally in the drink title, but if you need your hand held a bit further, a preferred blend includes two ounces (or five, depending on your day) of vodka, and four ounces of tonic water poured over plenty of ice in a highball glass, garnished with a few lime wedges. This cocktail is virtually unf*ckupable. Just don't let any of your scumbag, health-conscious friends convince you that sugar-free alternatives like diet tonic water or soda water are acceptable substitutions for delicious, sugary tonic water. Zero-sugar mixers effectively make this a diet cocktail, which are about as fun as a dry handjob. Enjoy your idiot-proof beverage, you lazy bastard.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
OLYMPICS 2016. Tennis (women's quarterfinals; men's third round) - 6:30am on Bravo; Beach volleyball, women's handball (Brazil vs. Spain), archery - 6am on USA; Men's soccer (Argentina vs. Honduras), men's fencing - 9am on NBC Sports; Men's rugby (U.S. vs. Fiji) - 9am on USA; Men's soccer (South Korea vs. Mexico) - 12pm on MSNBC; Women's basketball (U.S. vs. Serbia) - 11:30on NBC Sports; Men's basketball (U.S. vs. Australia) - 3pm on NBC Sports; Men's soccer (Denmark vs. Brazil) - 6pm on NBC Sports
MLB. Yankees at Red Sox - 4pm on ESPN
SOCCER. U.S. Open Cup: Los Angeles vs. FC Dallas - 7pm on ESPN2
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