Gloomy Gus, Messi Way To Play, & Slam Duncan O's.
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Monday, December 19, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • Gloomy Gus. The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Gus Bradley, who was unable to turn around his perpetually shitty team, as exhibited by his last game as coach: the Jags were up 20-8 in the second half before losing to the backup quarterback-led Houston Texans. With a record of 14-48 over 3.82 seasons, we have to imagine both parties involved are excited to part ways - Jacksonville to try to hire a better coach; Bradley to try to coach a better team.
  • Messi Way To Play. Thanks to some fancy footwork by Lionel Messi, Luis Suarez netted a goal vs. Espanyol. Don't worry Messi fans, the legend shoved a dagger in Espanyol's heart in the form of scoring a goal, to give Barcelona the 4-1 win.
  • It's Been A While. For the first time in 13 years, you got laid! But also, the Oakland Raiders made the playoffs, then posted the worst video ever to Twitter to celebrate!

The Main Event
51-year-old boxing legend Bernard Hopkins is officially retired, and boy did he go out in style - but a horrible style that nobody should have ever worn, like whatever this is.

On Saturday night, the boxer's 28-year career ended in a way that would at least force the crying Indian (It was a different time back then) to shed two tears. During the eighth round, Hopkins was knocked out of the ring and onto the floor by 27-year-old opponent Joe Smith Jr. Upon the rough landing from that fall, the old timer hit his head and injured his ankle. The ankle injury prevented him from continuing, although we feel he should have been allowed a walker.

With a career record of 55-8-2, Hopkins will not be remembered for the way he exited the sport, which we'd like to add was classy as f*ck, but for how dominant he was while in it. As the middleweight champion, he defended his title a record 20 times, was a three-time light heavyweight champion, and became the oldest fighter to win a world title, twice (at 46 and later at 48).

In a time where MMA has surpassed boxing as the most popular fighting sport in America, losing a longstanding legend like Hopkins seems fitting, like part of the changing of the guards. The established fighters and sports move aside for the young blood. We'll sure miss watching this class act out in the ring.

Good Sport
Slam Duncan
Tim Duncan, one of the best and most humble basketball players ever, had his #21 jersey retired by the only team he played for during his very successful 19-year NBA career, the San Antonio Spurs. During the game, players wore #21 embroidered socks, fans received Slam Duncan O's via parachute from the sky, and this guy painted an upside picture of Duncan. We didn't think it was possible, but now we love Tim Duncan even more.

Bad Sport
Dick Move
We mentioned that it was going to happen a couple weeks ago, and now it did: the video of Oklahoma State running back Joe Mixon punching Amelia Molitor, a female Oklahoma State student, has been released (warning: the video is of a guy punching a girl in the face). The punch left Molitor with four broken facial bones, and the need for her jaw to be wired shut. The icing on the cake is that she couldn't feel anything on the left side of her face for months. She's suing the future millionaire, and will hopefully make him pay more than some athletes spend on yachts.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Justin Dvorak. The Division II quarterback for the Colorado School of Mines won the Harlon Hill Trophy, essentially DII's Heisman Trophy. Looks like this jock is going to have to figure out if he's going to try his hand at playing in the pros next year, or if he'll take advantage of his engineering degree like all the other cool nerds at that school. Stupid jock. Nerds rule!

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Quentin Atkinson & The North Carolina Central/Grambling State Refs. The Celebration Bowl took place on Saturday, and it ended up being a celebration of everything awful about football. After being down 3 to 10 with 2-ish minutes left in the game, North Carolina Central quarterback Malcolm Bell threw a deep ball to receiver Quentin Atkinson who caught it in the end zone. Excited about the big play, Atkinson celebrated with his teammates and took off his helmet - the cardinal sin. Refs flagged him for excessive celebration, and the ensuing extra point, which was further back because of the penalty, was blocked. Grambling state would go on to win the game 10-9. Yes, we're calling the refs goats because we firmly believe in the need to Make Football Fun Again.

Quote of the Weekend
"Owen 16" - A very sad, yet creative Cleveland Browns fan who is making the best out of a shitty situation (possibly losing every game this season and going 0-16).

What to Watch
NCAA FOOTBALL. Miami Beach Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Tulsa - 2:30pm on ESPN
SOCCER. Everton vs. Liverpool - 2:55pm on NBCSN
NCAA BASKETBALL. Tennessee State at Duke - 7pm on ESPN2; Eastern Michigan at Syracuse - 7pm on ESPNU; St. Francis (Pa.) at Marquette - 7pm on FS1; Stanford at SMU - 9pm on ESPN2; Southern Mississippi at Mississippi State - 9pm on ESPNU; Southeast Missouri State at DePaul - 9pm on FS1
NFL. Panthers at Redskins - 8:15pm on ESPN
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