Butt Fuchs, Childish Name-Calling, & North Korea Is Best Korea.
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Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Quick Hits
  • RG3 Starting. Robert Griffin III has been named the first of probably a half dozen starting quarterbacks the Cleveland Browns will have this season.
  • Pulling An Eli. San Diego Chargers first-round pick Joey Bosa's mother said "I wish we pulled an Eli Manning" in response to the Chargers' refusal to meet Joey's salary demands. Eli, of course, famously refused to play for the Chargers when they drafted him. Here's hoping Bosa is subject to all the boos, derogatory chants, and cross-dressing caricatures Eli saw when he returned to play in SD.
  • R.I.P. Bryan Clauson, a driver for the most politically incorrect racing sport ever (midget car racing) died following an accident at the Belleville Midget Nationals. He was 27 years old.
  • Bochy Bummin'. San Francisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy was hospitalized yesterday morning for a potential heart issue, probably from watching his Giants lose four of their last seven games to let the LA Dodgers creep up to just a game back in the NL West.
  • Drinks are on Paul Pogba. The French soccer star joined English club Manchester United for a record transfer fee of $116 million.
  • We're Still #1. With the help of gold medals from U.S. swimmers Lilly King and Ryan Murphy, the U.S. has tied China for the most gold medals (5), while adding to their overall medal lead (19).
  • LOL. It's the simple things at the Olympics that are the most enjoyable.

The Main Event
The NFL's answer to The Bachelorette is finally upon us, with Los Angeles Rams head coach Jeff Fisher to play the part of JoJo Fletcher as he hands out roses in the form of roster spots to players that win over his heart. That's right, HBO's Hard Knocks premieres tonight (10pm ET/PT on HBO)!

This season of Hard Knocks follows the newly-relocated Rams as they adjust to life in Los Angeles. With such great weather and so many things to do in Southern California, we're half-expecting this group of Missouri footballers to disband and open up a craft brewery or frozen yogurt stand. In the event that doesn't happen, you can expect the show to focus on first-round draft pick Jared Goff, whom the Rams have appointed as their savior and franchise quarterback despite his Donald Trump-sized hands. Aside from Goff, Hard Knocks promises to provide an inside look at how the Rams have perfected their model of mediocrity (zero playoff appearances since 2004), which they figure to achieve through go-kart racing and card games in place of on-field preparation. Besides, who needs playoff football in January when you have beautiful LA beaches at your disposal?

Please let Tre Mason return to the team for Hard Knocks. The troubled running back recently landed in a Florida nut house after screaming at local police that he'd have their jobs taken away by calling the White House. This is television we need to see.

Good Sport
North Korean gymnast Hong Un-jong, seen below looking at a smart phone for the first time, posed with South Korean Lee Eun-Ju for a selfie in a rare moment of unity that encapsulates what makes the Olympics so great. Let's try not to think about the fact Un-jong is about to spend the rest of her life in a labor camp for fraternizing with republic South Korean scum.
Honorable Mention: Are teams even trying against the U.S. women's basketball squad? USA destroyed Spain 103-63 yesterday for their 43rd Olympic win in a row, just two days after humiliating Senegal 121-56. The U.S. will play Serbia on Wednesday, where they're favored by 147 points, we assume. Elsewhere, the men's basketball team slapped around Venezuela in a 113-69 win.

Honorable Mention: If you love Chicago sports, you'll love hearing that the Cubs have won seven games in a row, and nine of their last 10. If you hate Chicago sports, take comfort in knowing the Bears are coming soon to piss all over the football hopes and dreams of the entire city.

Bad Sport
The Face Of A Nation
Namibian boxer Jonas Junis just became the second Olympic boxer in as many weeks to feel up a maid at the Olympic Village. Junis was arrested for groping and forcefully kissing a housekeeper just days after Moroccan boxer Hassan Saada assaulted a pair of maids. Junis' transgression is extra embarrassing considering he was his country's flag-bearer during the opening ceremony. Kudos to Namibia for choosing the face of a sexual deviant as the face of their country.

Childish Name-Calling
Australia and China are in the midst of a hilariously juvenile beef. Australian Mack Horton, who beat defending champion Sun Yang of China to claim gold in the 400m freestyle, called Yang a "drug cheat" on Saturday. A Chinese newspaper fired back, calling Australia an "offshore prison." The only thing sadder than this fourth-grade level tiff? The handshake Yang and Horton shared after their race. God help us.

Never Forget
To expect the unexpected. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
OLYMPICS 2016. Tennis (women's round of 16; men's second round) - 6:30am on Bravo; Beach volleyball, men's rugby (U.S. vs. Argentina) - 6am on NBC Sports; Beach volleyball, archery, women's water polo (Russia vs. Australia) - 9am on MSNBC; Men's beach volleyball (U.S. vs. Mexico); women's water polo (U.S. vs. Spain) - 10am on NBC; Men's basketball (Spain vs. Brazil) - 10am on NBC Sports; Men's rugby (U.S. vs. Brazil, Fiji vs. Argentina), beach volleyball - 2pm on CNBC; Women's soccer (U.S. vs. Colombia) - 3pm on NBC Sports; Women's diving, women's gymnastics, swimming - 8pm on NBC
NFL. Hard Knocks with the Los Angeles Rams - 10pm on HBO
SOCCER. UEFA Super Cup: Real Madrid vs. Sevilla - 11:30am on Fox Sports 1; U.S. Open Cup: New England vs. Chicago - 5pm on ESPN2
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