Rocket Man, Stephen A. Smith's Next Victim, & Bathroom Stall Drawings.
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Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Quick Hits
  • A Dull Comeback. Due to concerns over poo-water, muggings, and mosquitoes, world No. 3 golfer Jordan Spieth will not participate in the Rio Olympics, which means six of the top 10 golfers in the world have now passed on the games. Golf's return to the Olympics after a 112-year absence couldn't be less enticing.
  • Next Victim. Sports radio host Max Kellerman will step away from his role as co-host of Max and Marcellus to become Stephen A. Smith’s next punching bag on ESPN’s First Take, a show made famous for Smith and former co-host Skip Bayless’ incessant bickering. Here’s hoping Kellerman is ready to bathe in a sea of Stephen A. Smith race cards, sexist takes, and baseless opinions.
  • Gotta Catch ‘Em All. Recognizing an opportunity to attract young fans, the Triple-A Durham Bulls are opening up their ballpark today so fans can play augmented reality fad Pokémon Go on the field for a $5 fee. If attendance spikes, the Bulls may decide to make this a regular promo, and the idea of an actual baseball team as a revenue generator may become obsolete.
  • Call Me Maybe. Johnny Cueto (NL, Giants) and Chris Sale (AL, White Sox) have been named starting pitchers for tonight's MLB All-Star Game, but we wish it was terrible first pitch tossers Mariah Carey vs. Carly Rae Jepsen.
  • Fab Five. The U.S. women’s gymnastics team has been finalized, and superstar newcomer Simone Biles and veteran Aly Raisman are leading the way. The team is heavily favored to win gold, but it remains to be seen if the team's prepared to recreate McKayla Maroney's "not impressed" face should any of them finish in second.

The Main Event
After 19 seasons, all with the San Antonio Spurs, emotionless robot Tim Duncan has retired as perhaps the greatest power forward to ever play in the NBA.

Duncan may have been boring as hell to watch (earning the nickname "The Big Fundamental" because of his dull style of play), but dammit was he productive. He finished his career with 3,064 blocks (5th all-time) and 15,091 rebounds (6th all-time), and is the only player in NBA history to win over 1,000 games with one team. His success transcended basketball, as the Spurs’ .710 win percentage with Duncan at the helm is the best across the NBA, NFL, NHL, & MLB over the last 19 years. Those wins culminated into phenomenal team and individual success, including 15 All-Star selections, five NBA championships, three Finals MVP awards, and two NBA MVP awards. Most admirably, he did it all with a quiet demeanor and the fashion sense of a Target shopper, which was such a breath of fresh air compared to his flashier, more arrogant peers (aka, 99% of the NBA – looking at you, Russell Westbrook). As an all-too-fitting ending, Duncan will not be present at his own retirement press conference today. Perfect.

Our favorite Tim Duncan moment was when he was ejected from a game for laughing. God forbid this man be allowed to smile.

Good Sport
Giancarlo Is The Rocket Man
Miami Marlins outfielder Giancarlo Stanton bounced baseballs off the moon last night. He won MLB's Home Run Derby in spectacular fashion, defeating reigning champ Todd Frazier by swatting a record 61 homers (previous record: 41, set by Bobby Abreu in 2005). Many of his shots have yet to land, with 20 of the 21 deepest hits of the night coming off Stanton's bat, including the shot of the derby (497 feet). NASA expects the lunar-launched baseballs to re-enter the atmosphere over the Eastern seaboard tomorrow morning at 2am Eastern Daylight Time. Make sure to have your binoculars ready for the meteor shower!

Bad Sport
Drawing A Line In The Sand
LA Angles infielder Yunel Escobar prefers to express himself through pictures and the written word over verbal communication. While on defense, he was ejected in a 4-2 loss to the Baltimore Orioles after drawing a home plate in the sand behind third base to illustrate how an umpire was wrong on a check-swing call. Escobar, who also got himself in trouble a few years ago for writing a gay slur on his eye black, responded with "f*ck that shit" when asked about his ejection after the game. It looks like we can finally put a face to the kind of person that carves obscenities on the inside of gas station bathroom stalls.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Golden State Warriors power forward Draymond Green was arrested after assaulting a man in a Michigan-area restaurant. There were reportedly no injuries, so we have to assume Green opted not to use his patented dick-and-balls kick he displayed throughout the NBA playoffs.

Never Forget
If you mess with the bull, you get the horns. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. All-Star Game - 8pm on FOX
NBA SUMMER LEAGUE. Celtics vs. Mavericks - 6pm on ESPN2; Bulls vs. Spurs - 8pm on ESPN
BOXING. Premier Boxing Champions: Breidis Prescott vs. Levan Ghvamichava - 11pm on Fox Sports 1
CYCLING. Tour de France: Stage 10 - 8am on NBC Sports
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