Playing For Pinks, Lance Bass, & Breaking The Ice.
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Friday, December 30, 2016

A Major Announcement of A Major Announcement
We have some goddamn news, so pay attention. Good Old Sport will be transforming from a pimply-faced pubescent teenage boy with a learner's permit to a fully mustachioed man dripping with sex appeal in 2017. Translated: We’re taking Good Old Sport in a thrilling, perhaps even titillating, new direction early next year (that’s right, the one that’s two days away). Sadly, Good Old Sport as a newsletter is being put on pause. However, we've been listening to your feedback, and Good Old Sport as a You’ll-Soon-Find-Out entity is just beginning! We'll be taking some time off to prepare for this exciting new endeavor, so please accept this major announcement as a prelude to our major announcement, which will be delivered in the next few weeks, hopefully at your inconvenience.

As always, thank you for your diehard, unwavering support.

- The Good Old Sport Team

Quick Hits

The Main Event
WHAT?
The NFL regular season is nearing the finish line.

WHAT ELSE?
With 16 weeks of football in the books, Sunday will be your last chance to use an NFL-related excuse for your weekly, Monday-morning hangover. That is unless your squad is one of the lucky 12 to make the postseason tournament, merely delaying the inevitable disappointment of your team's slightly-above-average failure of a season (unless you're a Patriots fan, in which case you can sit on it). Let's take a look at the playoff picture as it stands now:

AFC
  1. New England Patriots (13-2)
  2. Oakland Raiders (12-3)
  3. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-5)
  4. Houston Texans (9-6)
  5. Kansas City Chiefs (11-4)
  6. Miami Dolphins (10-5)
The AFC playoff field is set, although the final seeding will depend on the outcome of this weekend's games, lovingly outlined here. That's right, the rest of the AFC is so butt that all six playoff spots in the conference have been locked up (including one by the dogshit Texans) with a week remaining in the season.

NFC
  1. Dallas Cowboys (13-2)
  2. Atlanta Falcons (10-5)
  3. Seattle Seahawks (9-5-1)
  4. Green Bay Packers (9-6)
  5. New York Giants (10-5)
  6. Detroit Lions (9-6)
This is the field as of now, but there are two teams that are still in the hunt (the Washington Redskins and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers) that might shake things up. The Redskins merely need to beat the Giants on Sunday and they're in (provided the Lions-Packers game doesn't end in a tie), while the Bucs need a nine-step miracle, which ESPN figures has a 0.0016 (60,000-1 odds) chance of happening. Cue Han Solo!

THOUGHTS?
Call your bookie, here's our ironclad playoff predictions:
  • The Texans lose 63-3 to the Raiders in the first round of the playoffs because football karma simply cannot allow such a shit team that clearly shouldn't be in the playoffs to remain in the playoffs.
  • Seattle's "12th Man" booms so loudly that Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson's ear drums rupture, rendering him deaf. Because he can no longer enjoy the sound of hearing himself speak, he loses love for the sport and decides to retire mid-game leading to a 27-17 loss to the Redskins.
  • The Cowboys lose in the Divisional Round to the Washington Redskins because Dez Bryant has a game-winning catch ruled an incomplete pass, causing owner Jerry Jones to spontaneously combust.
  • Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan gets REALLY into Westworld a month after the season finale. To avoid spoilers, he shuts himself off from the outside world, forcing the Falcons to withdraw their playoff eligibility citing an inability to locate their starting quarterback.
  • The Patriots lose to the Giants in the Super Bowl AGAIN. The world rejoices.

Good Sport
Zeros to Heroes
The NHL’s Columbus Blue Jackets have a rags-to-riches story that only Cinderella could fully appreciate. A year after they were the scullery maids of the NHL (15th place in the 16-team Eastern Conference), the Jackets have turned into the bell of the ball having won 14-straight games, leading to an NHL-best 25-5-4 record. Here’s hoping the clock doesn’t strike midnight on their magical season, less they turn back into a pumpkin, also known as the Colorado Avalanche (worst record in NHL).

Bad Sport
We Admit It, We’re The Worst
The Russians have finally admitted to being cheating scumbags. Anna Antseliovich, the director of Russia’s national anti-doping agency, admitted “institutional” doping of Russian athletes for major international sporting events, including the Olympics. We were as shocked to hear about this as we were when Lance Bass came out as gay.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Marc-André Fleury. The Pittsburgh Penguins goalie helped himself to the save of the year during a 5-2 win over the New Jersey Devils this week.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Reggie Bush. Remember him? We wouldn’t blame you if you don’t. The Buffalo Bills running back has -3 yards this year on 12 carries. In fact, if he fails to gain three yards this Sunday, he’ll become the first running back in NFL history (10+ carries) to finish with negative rushing yards. We’re pulling for you to get the record, Reggie!

Quote of the Week
"I grew up a Dallas fan. Particularly a ‘Hollywood’ Henderson fan." – Mike Tomlin

The Pittsburgh Steelers head coach issued a sick burn to former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw, who called Tomlin a “great cheerleader, not a great coach.” To provide context for this burn, former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson once said Terry Bradshaw was so dumb he “couldn’t spell ‘cat’ if you spotted him the ‘c’ and the ‘a.’” Well played, Tomlin. Well played.

Good Old Caption Winner
"This ice breaking video is going to be the lamest ice-breaker this girl uses to talk to some drunk bro at a bar 15 years from now." - Scott Simon

Solid contribution, Scott. Just promise us you won't use your ice-breaking caption victory as an ice-breaker with any girls this weekend.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Bring in the New Year with an unfathomable amount of college football. Also, UFC 207 is tonight. Check out our preview of Ronda Rousey vs. Amanda Nunes here.
Link of the Day: Here's Nick Offerman reading some tweets from female celebs. Enjoy them or don't.
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