Sweaty Kobe, Macaroni & Cheese, & Bend It Like Saul.
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Thursday, April 28, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Crystal Ball. "It's going to be a nice flight home once we get this win. I'm guaranteeing it." - Houston Rockets point guard Jason "Miss Cleo" Terry before last night's game against the Golden State Warriors. Ya, about that... the Rockets got their asses handed to them in a series-ending 114-81 loss. Ok, Terry missed the mark on his own game, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he correctly guessed that the Charlotte Hornets and Portland Trail Blazers notched wins last night to take 3-2 leads in their respective series against the Miami Heat and Los Angeles Clippers.
  • Going Home. The Anaheim Ducks are going home after last night's Game 7, 2-1 loss to the Nashville Predators. Let's hope the Ducks take the loss better than defenseman Dan Boyle took the New York Rangers' playoff ousting. Boyle refused to take part in a post-game interview with a New York Post columnist, telling him to "get the f*ck out" of the locker room. Can we get this guy a stress ball?
  • Free Time. So what has Kobe Bryant been up to since retirement? Not much, besides teaming up with Ellen DeGeneres to pull a hidden-camera prank on an Aesthetician, where Kobe says he retired due to his excessive perspiration issues. Kobe goes into detail about selling jars of butt-sweat on eBay and the vicious name calling he was subjected to from his teammates (Sir Sweats-A-Lot, Puddles, Sweat Midler, and Sweaty Pits McGee). Watch the moist adventure.
  • You Know That's Permanent, Right? The NBA's Sacramento Kings, who haven't made the playoffs in 10 years, gave fans free tattoos of their new logo. A sizable amount of fans actually showed up, making whatever drunk decision you regret most in your life seem relatively tame.
  • Home Ec Failure. One NFL scout won't be drafting prospect Eli Apple (cornerback, Ohio State) tonight, saying "The kid has no life skills. At all. Can't cook. Just a baby." Looks like we're better than a future NFL player at one thing! Speaking of the draft...

The Main Event
Much like Santa on Christmas, ESPN NFL Draft "expert" Mel Kiper lives for one event the entire year, with Kiper's Christmas being the NFL Draft... and today's December 25th for Mel.

Round One of the NFL Draft begins tonight in Chicago (8pm ET), where hated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will be booed and hissed as he introduces players you've never heard of with phonetically-complex names that could only exist in the draft or a Key & Peele skit.

This year's draft is already on its way toward becoming the most anticlimactic in recent memory, as the two biggest possible trades have already happened. The Los Angeles Rams and Philadelphia Eagles completed blockbuster trades for the first and second-overall picks, respectively, which they'll likely use to draft not-that-great quarterbacks Jared Goff (Cal) and Carson Wentz (North Dakota State). We're hoping for more trade action tonight, but worst case, we can all laugh at whatever the Cleveland Browns do. They spent two first-round picks in the last four years on quarterbacks Johnny Manziel and Brandon Weeden for Christ's sake... both of whom aren't with the team anymore. Who knows what kind of crazy shenanigans the Brownies will pull this year?!

Also of note; don't look too hard for the New England Patriots tonight. They lost their first-round pick for an underinflated reason. For teams that do have picks tonight, you can check out the draft order, and prospective picks, right here.

Merry Draftmas!

Good Sport
Dodge Em' Like Rodman
The first legs of the Champions League semi-finals are in the books, as Manchester City drew 0-0 with Real Madrid on Tuesday while Atlético Madrid topped Bayern Munich 1-0 last night. Soccer detractors will point to one goddamn goal being scored between the final four teams, while soccer enthusiasts will say the one score was worth the wait. Saúl Ñíguez of Atlético looked like a man among boys as he scored a Bend it like Beckham-style goal after dodging the Bayern defense as effectively as Dennis Rodman dodges child support payments. The second legs are next Tuesday and Wednesday, which will decide who'll play in the Champions League Final.

Bad Sport
Macaroni & Cheese vs. Filet Mignon
The UFC finally settled their "Conor McGregor" problem by announcing Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier as the main event for UFC 200 on July 9th in Vegas, which was expected to be the biggest fight night in UFC history. We say "was" because the sport's most popular fighter (McGregor) was removed from the card, taking any casual MMA fan's enthusiasm for UFC 200, not to mention $45 million in revenue, with him. Not that the Jones vs. Cormier rematch for the light heavyweight championship is a bad fight... it just feels like we're being served macaroni and cheese when we were expecting filet mignon. Both good, but one is decidedly better than the other.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: What's that smell? Oh, the Atlanta Braves just lost their eighth-consecutive game with a 9-4 stinker against the Boston Red Sox last night.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of a soccer player and a ball's apparent love child. Winner gets a Good Old Sport tank... of the top variety, not the 60-ton war machine.

Send your captions to coach@goodoldsport.com

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NFL. NFL Draft, Round One - 8pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 6: Hawks at Celtics - 8pm on TNT (Hawks lead 3-2)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 1: Penguins at Capitals - 8pm on NBC Sports
SOCCER. Europa League: Villarreal vs. Liverpool - 3pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. LPGA Tour: North Texas LPGA Shootout, First-Round Play - 12pm on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: Zurich Classic of New Orleans, First-Round Play - 3pm on Golf Channel
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