Batman Returns, Dong Dunk, & Poutine.
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Friday, June 24, 2016

Friday Fun

The Main Event
It's time for some CFL, eh? The Hamilton Tiger-Cats defeated the Toronto Argonauts 42-20 last night to kick off the 2016 Canadian Football League season. Grab a plate of poutine while we take a look at how our neighbors to the north play pigskin.

The CFL is much like the NFL, with a few subtle differences. The field is larger at 110x65 yards (NFL: 100x53.5 yards), they only have nine teams (NFL: 32), 12 players take the field (NFL: 11), they have three downs to get a first down (NFL: 4), and they play 18 regular season games (NFL: 16). Other than that, the scoring system and basic rules are very similar. The one hilariously huge difference is the player wages, with CFL annual salaries ranging from about $30k for a rookie to $250k for top talent. For reference, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers makes about $22 million a year.

But who needs big-time money when you’re going after the Grey Cup (the CFL’s version of the Vince Lombardi trophy)? Despite the trophy looking as dull as it sounds, every team is striving to hoist it (or break it in half if you’re the Calgary Stampeders) at the 2016 Grey Cup (Super Bowl) on November 27th. The Toronto Argonauts, who’ve won the most Grey Cups all-time (16), are one of the early favorites to win it all, despite last night's loss.

If you think the CFL's softer than the NFL, think again. Exhibit A: Last night's game, where a player had to be carted off the field after a crack to the skull, and a fan was absolutely clobbered by a player after running onto the field. Real recognize real, CFL.

Good Sport
Don't Forget About Us!
After the Cleveland Cavaliers won their NBA title, the Indians had to remind city residents they still exist by winning their last six games in a row to extend their first place, AL Central lead. Will Cleveland become the new city of champions by year's end? Absolutely not, but kudos to the Indians for trying.

Bad Sport
Ash Narayan, a "financial adviser," is the Bernie Madoff of the sports world. He duped quarterback Mark Sanchez, pitcher Jake Peavy, and former pitcher Roy Oswalt out of millions in a Ponzi scheme.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Patrick Kane. The Chicago Blackhawks right winger won the Hart Trophy, given to the NHL's most valuable player, at Wednesday's NHL Awards in Las Vegas. He's the first American to win the award, and he said Batman Returns was his favorite movie growing up after receiving the award from former Bruce Wayne, Michael Keaton. Awesome. Sorry, Captain Canuck, the MVP's favorite super hero is going to be an American for once.

Related: The 2016 NHL Draft starts tonight, with top prospects like Jesse Puljujarvi, Matthew Tkachuk, and Mikhail Sergachev poised to become household names. Okay, maybe not. Check out the draft order here.

Honorable Mention: Brazilian Formula 1 driver Felipe Massa's pit crew tied a record for the fastest pit stop ever recorded at 1.9 seconds. That's changing out all four tires in less than two seconds, which is still one second more than we need in the bedroom.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Dez Bryant. The Dallas Cowboys wide receiver and his party guests aren't housebroken. He's being sued because he trashed a Texas senator's house he'd been renting, leaving it "littered with trash and feces." We're hoping they can settle the case by having the senator rub Bryant's nose in the excrement like you would a puppy.

Quote of the Week
"I hope PUMA doesn't produce condoms" - Zherdan Shaquiri

The Switzerland footballer took a stab at the sportswear company after four PUMA-made, Swiss national team shirts ripped in just one match. Just go bareback next time. Speaking of bareback...

Honorable Mention: "Tell J.R. and everybody to put on a shirt." - President Obama, telling Cleveland Cavaliers head coach Tyronn Lue on a congratulatory phone call to have his players find their shirts, because, "you can't just be walking around without a shirt for a whole week." Or can they...

Good Old Caption Winner
"It looks like George Costanza had a kid after all." - Chris Burke
Thanks for sending this awesome gif along with your quote to bring back fond memories of George sloppily taking down a sundae at a tennis game. Grab a bib and enjoy your new Good Old Sport baseball tee.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
It's too damn hot to go outside, as you can plainly see from George's melted ice cream, so stay inside and watch sports.
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