Bud Buddies, Trump's VP, & Left Hanging.
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Friday, May 6, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Chance. Disgraced ESPN analyst Curt Schilling has been given 12,000-1 odds to get Donald Trump's VP nomination. So you're telling me there's a chance?
  • Bud Buddies. Snoop Dogg has agreed to a rap collaboration with Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le'Veon Bell, who's an aspiring rapper (emphasis on "aspiring" - check out his awful mix tape). We figure the pair will rap about their shared passions; the Steelers and weed.
  • Karma Isn't A Bitch. Apparently the karma gods weren't watching when too-cool-for-school Toronto Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry left a security guard hilariously hanging on a fist bump, because the Raptors still beat the Miami Heat 96-92 in OT to tie their second-round playoff series (1-1).
  • The Two-Day Game. Last night's playoff game between the San Jose Sharks and Nashville Predators turned into this morning's game when it stretched into triple-overtime, and well past midnight local time. Drunk fans finally got to trudge home after the Preds topped the Sharks 4-3. The game was so long and painful (that's what she said) it overshadowed the other overtime game, a Dallas Stars 3-2 win over the St. Louis Blues. Both series are even at 2-2.

The Main Event
Tomorrow is the 142nd running of the Kentucky Derby, which is 1% about horse-racing, 9% about gambling, and 90% about smug, rich white people parading around in offensively garish hats.

Known as "The Most Exciting Two Minutes In Sports," the Kentucky Derby is the first leg of the American Triple Crown, which is comprised of the only horse races non-gambling addicts watch all year. A horse must capture a win at the Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and Belmont Stakes to be deemed a Triple Crown winner. American Pharaoh won the Triple Crown last year, making him the first horse to pull off the trifecta in 37 years. 2016's hot horse surprisingly isn't Sarah Jessica Parker, it's Nyquist, the 3-1 favorite. Bettors are expected to put down a horse-sized shitload of cash... to the tune of almost $200 million in bets. And if you want to piss your money away in person, you'll have to pony up (sorry, had to) $571 for a ticket.

Who the hell has that kind of money to blow on a two-minute horse race? Rich and reckless celebrity athletes sure as hell do, and that's who we'll be looking out for tomorrow. Here's to NFL receiver Wes Welker getting wasted on Molly and passing out all his winnings to fans again this year.

Good Sport
Best Of The Not-So-Best
Liverpool whooped Villarreal 3-0 yesterday (3-1 via two-match aggregate) to advance to their third UEFA Europa League Final. For reference, the Europa League is the UEFA's secondary soccer club to the Champions League, effectively making it the Diet Coke of European soccer tournaments. Liverpool will face two-time defending champion Sevilla in the Final on May 18th, with the winner to be crowned best of the not-so-best.

Honorable Mention: The NHL's Florida Panthers will re-sign ancient artifact Jaromír Jágr on a one-year deal worth up to $5.5 million. Last season the 44-year-old became the oldest player to surpass 60 points in a season, and he's just 20 points away from passing Mark Messier for second all-time. At this rate, your grandchildren will be watching Jágr's retirement press conference from their deathbeds.

Bad Sport
Update That Résumé
Despite making the playoffs in five of his six seasons as head coach, the Indiana Pacers decided to hand Frank Vogel a pink slip yesterday. Elsewhere, interim head coach J. B. Bickerstaff hated coaching the Houston Rockets so much he withdrew his candidacy for the full-time gig. It makes sense coming from a coach who called his own squad a "broken team" that "disrespected the game... over and over again."

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Oklahoma University basketball player Akolda Manyang is just as good at hoops as he is making people swallow their own teeth. Manyang was suspended indefinitely and brought up on felony assault charges for punching a guy's teeth out. It looks like Manyang will be looking for a new school... may we suggest a school of dentistry?

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
The Cleveland Cavaliers. Their post-season ass-kickery has reached historical levels. Not only are they the last team to remain undefeated (6-0), they scored so many three-pointers against the Atlanta Hawks this week (25, NBA-record for most in a game) the Hawks complained about it. When you're playing basketball so well another team gets mad at you for playing basketball so well, you know you're doing something right.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Jonathan Papelbon. With a 6-4 lead in the bottom of the ninth, the Washington Nationals closer had a chance to put away the Kansas City Royals on Tuesday to give the Nats' their fifth-straight win. Instead, he blew the lead, giving the Royals a 7-6 win. At least Papelbon didn't choke out any teammates to vent his frustrations this time.

Tweet of the Week
"I feel sorry for ppl who never understand loyalty. I can't really even vibe with u. At the end of the day trust is "100" & everything else is BS" - Aaron Moorehead

The Texas A&M receivers coach was clearly butthurt when quarterback prospect Tate Martell decommitted. If you're thinking the tweet is a bit juvenile, you're not the only one. Receiver Mannie Netherly decommitted from A&M upon seeing it, saying, "I don't want to play for someone like that." Given time, we're confident Moorehead could Tweet himself out of an entire team.

Good Old Caption Winner
"When the paparazzi swarmin' your band but you just wanna enjoy a night out at the game with your boys." - Dana Morgan

Thanks, Dana, for encapsulating this tender moment at the ballgame between anus-mouthed aliens. A fresh-as-hell Good Old Sport shirt is your prize.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Oh, hello weekend plans.
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