An All-Star Affair, Off The Wagon, & Your Very Own Hamptons Party.
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Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Just Stay Retired. Legendary Filipino boxer Manny Pacquiao is pulling a Brett Favre by un-retiring (not by sending dick pics), as he announced plans to put on his gloves for a thinly-veiled cash-grab this fall. Like Favre, we'll cringe when Manny trots out as a shell of his former self to probably end his career on a forgettable note.
  • Off The Wagon. Who actually uses those airplane vomit bags? Lamar Odom, that's who. The former NBA player, and Khloé Kardashian lover, was kicked off a plane after blowing chunks as a result of a pre-flight whiskey and beer sesh. Looks like someone's back off the wagon, or is it on the wagon?
  • Leading Ladies. The U.S. women's Olympic soccer roster has been set. The 18-woman team includes familiar faces like Hope Solo, who's so tough she beats up family members as a hobby, and Carli Lloyd, who force-fed Japan their own tears with a three-goal performance in the 2015 World Cup Final. These badass babes will attempt to lead the U.S. to a fourth-straight Gold medal.
  • Mickey And The Olympics. Disney CEO Bob Iger has joined LA's 2024 Olympic bid committee as Vice Chair on the board of directors. LA will compete against Rome, Paris, Budapest, and Hamburg for hosting rights. Seeing as Paris also has a Disneyland, we may finally get a definitive answer for where exactly "The Happiest Place on Earth " is.
  • Delayed. NBC will tape delay the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in order to provide proper "context" for the event, and to ensure they reach a wider audience at peak viewing hours. We think they're just afraid someone's going to pull a Janet Jackson (NSFW) and whip out a titty during the Parade of Nations.

The Main Event
Thanks to the time difference between the States and the United Kingdom, you can check out the first round of The Open Championship as you stumble home drunk from the bars tonight at 1:30am (ET).

The 145th Open Championship, often called the British Open, is the oldest (est. 1860) of golf's four major championships (Masters, U.S. Open, PGA Championship), with this year's edition to be held at the Royal Troon Golf Club in Scotland. The players will be gunning for defending champion Zach Johnson, who used his family in a recent Twitter post to show just how sad he was to give back the Claret Jug - the Open Championship trophy that's passed from winner to winner each year. Johnson will have to fight off the likes of world No. 1 golfer Jason Day, 2016 U.S. Open champion (and lucky husband to Paulina Gretzky) Dustin Johnson, and 2014 British Open champ Rory McIlroy, who are all among the favorites to win the Open Championship this year. Check out the rest of the field here.

Speaking of McIlroy, we're going to be keeping a close eye on him. Yesterday, he scoffed at the PGA Tour's drug policy, saying, "I could use HGH [Human Growth Hormone] and get away with it." Who's to say he won't put his theory to test? Expect us to call for a urine sample if we see any Happy Gilmore-esque 400-yard drives, bud.

Good Sport
An All-Star Affair
The 2016 MLB All-Star Game was an eventful one from the start, as an "All Lives Matter" edit made its way into the Canadian national anthem thanks to Remigio Pereira of The Tenors, which the Canadian group immediately said "sorry" for, to no one's surprise. The game was good too, as Kansas City Royals teammates Eric Hosmer and Salvador Perez knocked a pair of dingers in the same inning (off former Royals teammate Johnny Cueto), and Boston Red Sox DH David Ortiz inspired his All-Star teammates with a "let's whoop some ass" speech. The AL won home-field advantage in the World Series with a 4-2 win over the NL, with the aforementioned Eric Hosmer being named the All-Star Game MVP. Best Moment: MLB's batting title awards were renamed after legendary hitters Rod Carew (AL) and Tony Gwynn (NL). Gwynn, know as "Mr. Padre," was posthumously honored in front of his home crowd with his family on hand and a standing ovation from the crowd. Awesome.

Super Senior
16-year-old Sydney McLaughlin from New Jersey qualified for the U.S. Olympic track team by posting a junior world record time of 54.15 seconds in the 400-meter hurdles at the Olympic trials in Oregon. McLaughlin, who will be a high school senior this fall, became the first 16-year-old to make the track team since 1976 (Rhonda Brady, a 100-meter hurdler). A pretty impressive feat, considering when we were 16 our biggest concern was whether we were going to fill the swimming pool with Jell-O or release pigs into the cafeteria for our senior prank.

Bad Sport
Their Lips Are Sealed
Court documents unsealed by a Philly court yesterday revealed Joe Paterno, the late Penn State football coach, knew assistant coach Jerry Sandusky abused boys as early as 1976. Furthermore, the documents show that Ohio State defensive coordinator Greg Schiano and UCLA defensive coordinator Tom Bradley were aware of the abuse, with Schiano even witnessing a Sandusky/young boy shower episode. Neither Schiano nor Bradley ever felt the need to make sure Sandusky was held accountable for his heinous actions. You might not be a terrible person if you're an Ohio State or UCLA fan, just know it looks like you're cool with guys who were cool with a guy that diddled little kids.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Cleveland Browns running back Isaiah Crowell loves dead cops. He posted a graphic Instagram illustration of a police officer's throat getting slashed, in an apparent protest of recent police violence. Expect the Browns to come down hard on Crowell, as they were unimpressed with his piss apology.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Every week, more haughty, WASPy dipshits descend upon the Hamptons for a privileged summer of fun, food, and delicious cocktails. But what if you're not elitist scum? How do regular peons, who can't afford a $1 million mansion rental, enjoy the taste of a Long Island summer soirée? With our booze selection of the week, of course: The Long Island Iced Tea.
There's a long-standing myth that mixing alcohols during a night of drinking will lead to disastrous results, most notably; an easy blackout. Perfect. That means it’ll only take a few Long Islands, which contain five different types of booze, to propel you into such a stupor you'll think you’re actually partying in the Hamptons with rich celebs. Just mix a half ounce each of vodka, rum, gin, tequila and triple sec, (holy shit, right?) with an ounce of sour mix and cola, and serve over ice with a lime garnish. As the final pièce de résistance, try to wear all white to recreate the classic "Hamptons White Party" vibe. If you and your mates don't have all white ensembles at the ready, just head down to WalMart and pick up a value pack of white wife beaters, boxers, and socks. You'll be too loaded to notice the difference. Enjoy!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
ESPY AWARDS. John Cena hosts the 24th annual sports awards show - 11pm on ABC
GOLF. British Open, First-Round Play - 1:30am on Golf Channel
NBA SUMMER LEAGUE. Las Vegas first-round playoff - 8pm and 10pm on ESPN2
UFC. Fight Night: Michael McDonald vs. John Lineker - 9pm on Fox Sports 1
CYCLING. Tour de France: Stage 11: 8am on NBC Sports
JIMMY KIMMEL. Chad Johnson, the ex-football player formerly known as Chad Ochocinco, stops by Jimmy Kimmel Live to probably talk about how depressing his life has become now that he's no longer the center of attention - 11:35pm on ABC
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