Pimp My Ride, Movin' On Up, & Steroids For Breakfast.
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Thursday, May 19, 2016

Quick Hits
  • What A Turnaround. After starting the season 7-17, the San Francisco Giants have won their last seven games in a row, and hold a first place, 2.5-game lead in the NL West. We haven't seen a more sudden turnabout since Amanda Bynes and Lindsey Lohan went from Disney Channel stars to coked-out inmates.
  • HAM. The Golden State Warriors are back from the dead. After a surprising Game 1 loss to the Oklahoma City Thunder on Monday night, the Dubs bounced back in Game 2 thanks to Steph Curry going HAM, scoring 15 points in just 2 minutes (28 total) to guide the Warriors to a 118-91, series-tying win.
  • Dang It, Bobby. The Pittsburgh Penguins took a 2-1 series lead over the Tampa Bay Lightning after last night's 4-2 road victory, thanks in part to a third period goal by Phil Kessel, who looks more like an adult version of Bobby Hill and less like a professional hockey player.
  • Steroids, It's What's For Breakfast. When former MLB star Lenny Dykstra was asked if he took human growth hormone during his playing days, he responded with, "I put that in my cereal, man." We feel you, Lenny... sometimes a light sprinkling of granola on top just doesn't cut it.
  • Pimp My Ride. Flashy NFL quarterback Cam Newton modified a 1970 Oldsmobile to include over-sized wheels, diamond-stitched seats, and 24k gold plating. Too bad his hot new ride won't get Anderson Cooper and other celebrity Jeopardy contestants to know who the hell he is.

The Main Event
A golf extravaganza is upon us, as the first rounds of the PGA Champions Tour's Regions Tradition, European Tour's Irish Open, and PGA Tour's AT&T Byron Nelson are all beginning today, and concluding on Sunday, May 22.

We're most likely to see an injury (possibly a broken hip or thrown out back) during the Regions Tradition, as the Champions Tour is for golfers over 50. American John Daly and his pineapple pants will take on favorites (and fellow Yanks) Billy Andrade and Kenny Perry to claim a piece of the $2,300,000 purse. Think of all the ThermaCare Heat Wraps that could buy! Elsewhere, Irishman Rory McIlroy, who's the world No. 3 golfer and early favorite, will look to score a victory on home soil by dethroning defending champion Søren Kjeldsen. Speaking of defending champs, Steven Bowditch, Australian golfer and owner of the world's largest eyebrows, will look to defend his 2015 AT&T Byron Nelson win against favorites Dustin Johnson and Jordan Spieth.

If Jordan Spieth can hit the ball at the AT&T Byron Nelson this weekend half as well as he can chip a marshmallow into his own mouth, he'll be in fine shape.

Good Sport
Movin' On Up
For the third year in a row, European soccer team Sevilla FC are kings of the UEFA Europa League. After falling behind 1-0 in the early going against Liverpool, Sevilla scored three unanswered-goals (with the help of a few missed handball calls) to clinch the Europa League title and make Liverpool fans drink their own salty tears... literally. The win moves Sevilla from the Europa League to the Champions League next season, which is more or less like a move from a Honda Civic to a Mercedes-Benz.

Honorable Mention: 17-year-old Andrew Shapiro set a world record for most pull-ups in 24 hours by completing 7,306 of them... in just 15 hours (previous record: 6,800). But can he pull up to a bar as well as we can? Doubt it.

Bad Sport
Coach RG3
The Undefeated wrote a piece highlighting just how much of an entitled prick quarterback Robert Griffin III was during his tenure with the Washington Redskins. When RG3's increasingly-bad play eventually unraveled into pure, slapstick buffoonery, he called his coaches into a meeting and, in an itemized list on the blackboard, wrote, "1. Change things. 2. Change our protections. 3. Unacceptable. 4. Bottom line." He then insisted his coaches be quiet while he teach them how to do their own jobs. It makes sense RG3 would try to teach, given the old saying, "those who can't do, teach," because RG3, who's trying to revive his garbage career with the dumpster-fire Cleveland Browns, can't "do" for shit.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: New York Mets pitcher Bartolo "Big Sexy" Colon's secret second family was revealed when a woman sued him for child support this week. Apparently "Big Sexy" has a lot of love to give.

Dope Trip Down Nostalgia Lane
This week's dope trip down nostalgia lane is brought to you by minor league baseball teams the Frederick Keys and Lynchburg Hillcats, who will host '90s Nickelodeon Night tomorrow night with rad Hey Arnold! jerseys.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS GIF of Rougned Odor loosening José Bautista's fillings. What's Odor thinking? What's Bautista thinking? What's that fan in the red Rangers jersey who seems to be enjoying this punch a little too much thinking? Tell us and you could win a Good Old Sport tank top. Suns out, guns out.

Send your captions to coach@goodoldsport.com

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 2: Raptors at Cavaliers - 8:30pm on ESPN (Cavaliers lead 1-0)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 3: Blues at Sharks - 9pm on NBC Sports (series tied 1-1)
SOCCER. Bundesliga: Eintracht Frankfurt vs. Nurnberg - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. Irish Open, First-Round Play - 7:30am on Golf Channel; Champions Tour: The Tradition, First-Round Play - 1pm on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: AT&T Byron Nelson, First-Round Play - 4pm on Golf Channel
WORLD HOCKEY. IIHF World Championship 2016: quarterfinals - 9am on NBC Sports
CYCLING. Tour of California: Stage 5 - 5pm on NBC Sports
WOMEN'S SOFTBALL. Louisville vs. Nebraska - 5:30pm on ESPN2; BYU at Missouri - 8pm on ESPN2
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