No Hitter, No Takesies Backsies, and Kill the Kardashians.
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Friday, April 22, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Bug Repellent. The Olympic torch is lit and on its way from Greece to Rio for the Summer Games. At least the holders of the torch can rest assured that smoke from its flame will keep Brazil's Zika virus-carrying mosquitoes at bay.
  • Prince Died. It sucks. Let's remember the time "Prince" played basketball on Chappelle's Show to help us cope with the loss.
  • So Close. Down by 17, the Steph Curry-less Golden State Warriors stormed back to take a late lead against the Houston Rockets, but James Harden and his No-Fly-List beard hit a jumper with 2.7 seconds left to give the Rockets a 97-96 win. Elsewhere, the Oklahoma City Thunder curbed Mark Cuban and his Dallas Mavericks’ enthusiasm with a 131-102 drubbing, and the Toronto Raptors pummeled the Indiana Pacers 101-85.
  • I'm A Survivor. Like Destiny's Child, the Chicago Blackhawks are survivors. They staved off elimination by beating the St. Louis Blues 4-3 in double OT. The Detroit Red Wings weren't so lucky, as they became the first eliminated team with their 1-0 loss to the Tampa Bay Lightning. Meanwhile, the Anaheim Ducks drew even in their series with the Nashville Predators, and the Pittsburgh Penguins pantsed the New York Rangers 5-0 to take a 3-1 series lead.

The Main Event
Time Magazine released their 2016 "100 Most Influential People" list yesterday, and it's chock-full of athletes

Jordan Spieth (golf), Steph Curry (basketball), Ronda Rousey (UFC), Usain Bolt (sprinter), Caitlyn Jenner (Olympian), Lewis Hamilton (Formula One), Sania Mirza (tennis), Ibtihaj Muhammad (fencer), and Katie Ledecky (swimmer) made the cut. Actor and former WWE star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson also made the list. Even though Dwayne played a pretend sport, he gets the nod as an athlete entry because it felt real to us when we were kids, and we always smelt what The Rock was cooking.

Most importantly, porn star Kim Kardashian, who somehow made the 2015 list, was left off. Not that she's an athlete, or anything for that matter, we're just mentioning her because she's the absolute worst. Although, what she did with Ray J to get famous could be deemed a sport, considering all the physical exertion and skill she displayed.

“I hate it when women wear the wrong foundation color. It might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light.” - Kim Kardashian, one of Time's most influential people in 2015.

Good Sport
No-No From Above
Jake Arrieta, consider your Twitter shout-out to Prince heard. Hours after the Chicago Cubs pitcher thanked Prince for "decades of brilliant music," he had a brilliant moment of his own by throwing such a stellar no hitter during a 16-0 thumping of the Cincinnati Reds that it immediately required an update to his Wikipedia page.

Bad Sport
No Takesies Backsies
As expected, UFC fighter Conor McGregor has already gone back on his "retirement" tweet. He released a lengthy, rambling statement yesterday that pretty much said two things: I'm not retiring, and I want to fight in UFC 200. Despite McGregor's statement, the UFC officially pulled his 200 fight against Nate Diaz. It seems UFC president Dana White is bending McGregor over his knee for a spanking in order to make an example out of him. Unfortunately for McGregor, his figurative spanking will also cost him $10 million in lost fight wages. No wonder McGregor wanted "takesies backsies" for his retirement tweet.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Cantor Technology released its betting lines for the next NFL season, and the Cleveland Browns have been listed as underdogs in all of their games. Make sure to pick up your Browns 2016 season tickets.

What Has The Rio Olympic Committee F*cked Up Now?
And now, we introduce our latest segment in the ongoing saga chronicling the disastrous developments coming out of Rio, host of the 2016 Summer Olympic Games.

A section of cycling path that was built for the Olympics collapsed after it was hit by a wave, killing two people. Rio officials were quick to deflect blame, claiming "it was 'premature' to say that there was a failure in the path’s construction." When medalists appear hesitant to stand on podiums constructed with Olympic funds this August, we'll know why.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Luis Suarez. The Barcelona soccer club striker took a bite out of the record books with a four-goal performance in Barcelona's 8-0 crucifixion of Spanish club Deportivo. He broke the mononymous Ronaldo's 1997 record of 47 goals in one season for Barcelona (48), and recorded his sixth hat trick of the year, tying him with Cristiano Ronaldo (a different Ronaldo). So many Ronaldos...

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Kevin Durant. The Oklahoma City Thunder forward hit a historic amount of air in the Thunder's Game 2, 85-84 loss to the Dallas Mavericks. He whiffed on 26 of his 33 shot attempts, tying Michael Jordan for the most misses in a playoff game since 1997.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Some dumbass San Francisco Giants fan pulled a Steve Bartman by grabbing a ball that was still in play. The fan and his mates were met with a chorus of boos as they were escorted out of the stadium.

Quote of the Week
"If someone comes over and is scared, I'll put the panther away." - Robert Nkemdiche

The former Ole Miss defensive tackle, and NFL Draft hopeful, plans to start the process of pissing away his future fortune by purchasing a very expensive exotic animal. Thankfully, he's promised to keep the panther away from frightened house guests. At least he won't blow his riches by spending $5k at the Cheesecake Factory every week for years like Vince Young, the patron saint of overindulgent spending.

Good Old Caption Winner
Kudos to Andrew Wright for nailing what Philadelphia Eagles Executive Vice President Howie Roseman will say when he gets fired for the heinous trade the Eagles just made; giving the Cleveland Browns a buttload of picks to move up to the No. 2 overall spot in this year's NFL Draft. We think you've got potential, Andrew, at least more than Howie Roseman, and for that we're sending you a Good Old Sport t-shirt and koozies. Enjoy!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Brace yourself, more playoff action is coming. Check it out.
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