Durant Derby, Sterling Archer, & Big Man On Campus.
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Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Quick Hits
  • A Very Particular Set Of Skills. Move over Liam Neeson, kidnappers have a new worst nightmare to fear. 25-year-old Mexican soccer player Alan Pulido was kidnapped in front of a restaurant in Ciudad Victoria, Mexico on Saturday night, before shooting one of his abductors to escape.
  • So Many Dingers. The Colorado Rockies, Seattle Mariners, and Mookie Betts combined to hit 15 homers and score 38 runs last night. The Rockies swatted a franchise-record tying seven en route to a 17-4 drubbing of the Reds, the Mariners clobbered five in their 16-4 manhandling of the Padres, and Mookie Betts of the Boston Red Sox hit three with five RBIs in the Sox' 6-2 win over the Orioles.
  • Mahalo. The NFL's unwanted and unwatchable Pro Bowl will be moving from Hawaii to Orlando next season, instead of moving to hell as we all hoped.
  • Durant Derby. Kevin Durant is the NBA's version of a smokin' hot babe who may finally dump her longtime boyfriend... and she'll have plenty of suitors ready to swoop in for sloppy seconds. The Oklahoma City Thunder forward is an impending free agent who'll reportedly be pursued by the Boston Celtics, New York Knicks, and San Antonio Spurs, among others.

The Main Event
For the second year in a row, the defending NBA champion Golden State Warriors will take on the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals.

Much like last year, the Dubs are heavy favorites (-5.5 for Game 1) to hand LeBron James another Finals loss. Speaking of LeBron and Finals failures, this will be the sixth-consecutive time (seventh overall) James has made the Finals, where he's batting .333 (won 2 of 6), which is an incredible average for baseball... but a notably shitty one for basketball. It'll be a tall task for James to improve on that garbage average, given the Splash Brothers (Steph Curry and Klay Thompson) are on fire after leading the Warriors back from a 3-1 deficit against the Oklahoma City Thunder in the Western Conference Finals.

If you don't have a dog in the fight, there's plenty of reasons to cheer for either team. The Cavs have never won an NBA title, and the city of Cleveland hasn't had a major sports championship in 52 years. Isn't it time for the suffering to end? These people already have to live in Cleveland, for Christ's sake. On the other hand, if the Warriors win, maybe another Cavs fan will be forced to literally eat a t-shirt (with bbq sauce) after betting against the Dubs. There's plenty of decisions to be made before the Warriors host the Cavs for Game 1 tomorrow night.

Good Old Sport Prediction: Warriors in six... again.

Good Sport
Big Man On Campus
For the first time in potentially ever, a golfer will collect more ladies' digits on a college campus than a football player. University of Oregon sophomore, and sixth-ranked amateur golfer in the world, Aaron Wise won the NCAA Division I Men's Individual Golf Championship by two strokes over Rico Hoey of USC. Moreover, he won it at his home course (Eugene Country Club), which is the first time in 37 years a D1, NCAA golfer won a title in front of his home crowd. Wise will join his teammates as they try to take down the University of Texas in the Team Final later today.

Honorable Mention: President Obama hosted the Villanova Wildcats men's basketball team to celebrate their national championship win over the UNC Tar Heels in April. As he's prone to do, Obama didn't hesitate to deliver a dad joke, saying; "I guess it's the Blue and White House today." (insert Picard facepalm)

Bad Sport
Never The Bride
The Maryland Terrapins men's lacrosse team has been a bridesmaid and never the bride at nine consecutive weddings. The Terrapins' 14-13 overtime loss to the UNC Tar Heels in the NCAA Division I Lacrosse Championship was their ninth-straight loss in the NCAA final. To be fair, UNC had waited a long time to say "I do" since their last title (1991).

(Dis)Honorable Mention: In a surprising twist, an athlete is suspected of beating a woman. This time it's Sacramento Kings point guard Darren Collison, who was arrested yesterday on domestic violence charges.

Sports Animal of the Week
Get a load of this 15-foot alligator that roamed onto a Florida golf course this week (white dude included for scale). The gator went on to eat NBC Sports personality Bob Costas. Or was that just a wonderful dream we had?

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Speaking of Florida, this week's booze selection was chosen in honor of America's wackiest state, where zombie attacks, flu shots at strip clubs, and herpes-infested monkeys are par for the course. Introducing: The Hurricane.
It's almost summer time (June 20), and whipping up a Hurricane is the perfect way to feel like you're strolling down South Beach when you're actually exploring the depths of your Netflix queue in your living room. To make one, you'll need 2 oz. each of light rum, dark rum, passion fruit juice, and pineapple juice, a tablespoon of grenadine, and 1/2 a squeezed lime to go with an orange slice for garnish. It sounds sweet as hell, and it is. If you made this a part of your daily routine, you'd certainly succumb to diabetes before cirrhosis took effect. You also may think this is something a bachelorette party would order (it is), but it tastes great, and if it's good enough for secret agent Sterling Archer, it's probably too good for you.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Dodgers at Cubs - 8pm on ESPN
NHL STANLEY CUP FINAL. Game 2: Sharks at Penguins - 8pm on NBC Sports (Penguins lead 1-0)
SOCCER. International Friendly: Belgium vs. Finland - 2:30pm on ESPN2
GOLF. NCAA Men's Golf Championships: Team Match Play National Championship - 6pm on Golf Channel
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