Glitches Galore, Tebow Smash, & Dead Magic.
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Friday, October 14, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Expensive Paper. Would you pay $24,212 for a Tom Brady rookie card? Neither would we, but some schlub on eBay did.
  • Good Old Sport Weekend Prediction: Colin Kaepernick, who was named the San Francisco 49ers starting quarterback this week, takes a knee near the end of the second quarter of the Niners’ game against the Bills this weekend. Mass confusion spreads as officials don’t know whether he’s kneeling to run out the clock or making an anti-racism statement.
  • Glitches Galore. WWE 2K17 came out this week and, as with any new video game, glitches have been popping up everywhere. Check out all the torso-less, tickle-fighting, man-table hybrid hilarity here.

The Main Event
The World Long Drive Competition came to pass this week, and the results would have put Happy Gilmore to shame.

The World Long Drive (WLD) is pretty much the Home Run Derby of the golf world. "Hey, people love watching players hit the piss out of baseballs. We should do the same thing with golf!" And so the WLD came to be, featuring professionals and amateurs alike who are bonded by their distaste for the short game.

This year's winner was British golfer Joe Miller, who's expectedly jacked as all hell, having beat American Ryan Steenberg in the final by crushing a ball 423 yards, which is roughly the width of Rhode Island (roughly). Miller won $125k and a dope, WWE-style championship belt for his trouble.

No, we didn't see anyone take a running start before hitting the ball like Happy. Yes, we thought it was a missed opportunity.

Good Sport
Alex Trebek Is The F*cking Man
The Jeopardy host was listening to yet another boring contestant story, with this one being particularly painful and pathetic:

Contestant: "It's called nerd-core hip-hop. It's people who identify as 'nerdy' rapping about the things they love; video games, science-fiction, having a hard time meeting romantic partners... you know?"

... and then Trebek went in for the kill.

Trebek: "Losers, in other words."

Absolutely savage. Bro King. We're convinced he has a 10-inch dick.

Bad Sport
How’s Tim Tebow Doing In The New York Mets’ Fall League? 
You tell us.
Wrongful Medication
It turns out the world's best cross-country skier is the best in the world for a very unsurprising reason: PEDs. Norwegian Therese Johaug is the latest turd to float to the doping toilet bowl surface, having recently testing positive for an illegal substance. Naturally, Johaug is claiming "doping by wrongful medication." Take that excuse on down the road, sister.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
High School Kicking Specialists. A Frankton High (Indiana) punter booted a 92-yard punt, which sailed 70 yards in the air. Not to be outdone, a female kicker at North Penn High (Pennsylvania) absolutely destroyed a kick-returner with a bone-crushing hit that instantly robbed the victim of his manhood. Forget Norwegian skiers, what kind of PEDs are these high-schoolers shooting up?!

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
The San Francisco Giants. The even-year magic is finally dead. After winning the World Series in 2010, 2012, and 2014, the Giants finally shit the even-year, postseason bed via an NLDS loss to the Chicago Cubs. And thank god, because San Francisco doesn’t need to be any more smug than it already is. Hey Bay Area fans, if you need a little pick me up just fart in a wine glass and smell it. That always seems to cheer you up.

Quote of the Week
"The Rock. I love The Rock. I grew up watching that...and Brett Hart. I wanted the Brett Hart glasses. Couldn't get them, so if anybody's got them out there, I'd love them." - Derek Carr

The Oakland Raiders QB spoke about attending WWE's Monday Night Raw this week. We better see Derek wearing some pink, shimmering glasses under his helmet against the Chiefs this weekend.

Good Old Caption Winner
“It looks like the rise of the machines is a little further off than we thought. John Connor must have lived.” – Nelson Rice

Maximum points to Nelson for seamlessly joining two of our favorite things: sports and rad ‘80s movies. Now let’s watch this clip of “wrong” Sarah Connor getting blown away in Terminator.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Here's all the sports that'll be on TV while you nap on your couch this weekend.
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