Truffle Shuffle, Bathroom Champ, & Cowardly Solo.
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Friday, August 26, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Lil Dicky Vs. Gronk. Comedic rapper Lil Dicky took on New England Patriots tight end Rob "Big Daddy Gronk" Gronkowski in a motion capture session for Madden 17. Dicky tried to jam Gronk at the line... it didn't work out well.
  • Should've Been A Trainer. The Iowa Hawkeyes' son-of-a-bitch football strength and conditioning coach makes almost $600k per year, which is about 13x the amount your average grade-school teacher makes, because stretching out an athlete's hammy is way more important than expanding a kid's mind.
  • Bathroom Champ. UFC fighter Nick Diaz, brother of Nate Diaz (who just got beat by Connor McGregor), was involved in an "insane melee" in a Las Vegas Bellagio bathroom, where he was jumped by three other dudes. Nick claims the three men "got the worst of it," so we have no problem declaring him the Middleweight Men's Room Champion.
  • See Ya, Oakland. The Raiders are looking to GTFO of Oakland, as they filed trademark applications for the "Las Vegas Raiders" and released renderings of a toilet seat-esque stadium. At least they're incorporating an open-air concept to let some of the stink out when their garbage team takes a shit on the field.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Tonight is ArenaBowl XXIX (7pm ET on ESPN), which officially marks the 29th year in a row you haven't watched a single game of Arena Football.

WHAT ELSE?
A five month long, inconspicuous AFL season comes down to a final battle between the Philadelphia Soul and the Arizona Rattlers, who've won three of the last four ArenaBowls. This game also marks the Rattlers record-setting tenth ArenaBowl appearance (who are tied for most championships with five; Tampa Bay Storm), while the Soul will make their fourth appearance on their quest to earn a second championship. The Soul, of course, were formerly owned by Jon Bon Jovi, '80s hairband singer and star of those heinous DirecTV ads. Don't worry, Bon Bon, we're rooting for the Soul, but only because the franchise was featured on the Real World: Philadelphia (2004).

THOUGHTS?
The best thing about ArenaBowl XXIX is that it's taking a backseat to a regular season WNBA game. The ArenaBowl would've taken place in the Rattlers' home arena in Phoenix, but there was a previously scheduled Mercury game set for tonight, so off to the Gila River Arena (home of the NHL's Phoenix Coyotes) they go! Hopefully they'll have the ice melted before kickoff.

Good Sport
True To Her School
American swimmer Katie Ledecky, who unfortunately has the hairline of Simon Pegg, was given a hero's welcome upon returning to her hometown of Washington D.C., where she made Nationals star Bryce Harper hold her five medals (four golds) before slinging a well-above-average first pitch. She also isn't selling out like Ryan Lochte wishes he still could, passing on $5 million in annual endorsements so she can attend Stanford University instead. Kudos for staying true to your school, Ledecky.

Bad Sport
Domestic Disturbance In The Force
U.S. women's soccer's most NFL-like player, Hope "domestic disturbance" Solo, has been suspended six months by the U.S. Soccer Federation for trashing the Swedes during the Olympics. After the U.S.'s quarterfinals loss to Sweden via penalty kicks, Solo called her opponents "a bunch of cowards." Way to make us look good, Hope.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Dawn Braid. The dogshit Phoenix Coyotes hired Braid as a skating coach, making her the first full-time female coach in NHL history. Seeing as the Coyotes haven't made the playoffs since the 2011-2012 season, they had to do something to drum up publicity.

Honorable Mention: The UEFA (Union of European Football Associations) handed Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo the Best Player in Europe 2015/2016 Award, which looks like a scale model of the Elephant Man's heart.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Todd Marinovich. The former USC and Oakland Raiders quarterback was arrested after being found naked with marijuana in someone else's backyard in Irvine, CA. If you're going to be naked and get high, keep it in your own house (while possibly playing the congas) like Matthew McConaughey does.

Tweets of the Week
How's the offseason been going for hopeful NFL quarterbacks?

"Children in sandboxes in backyards near the #Browns facility beware: RG3 has thrown 2 away over 16 foot fence into yards. Hit garage today." - Mary Kay Cabot, Browns beat writer

"Cardale Jones just threw a pass so far off target it knocked the phone out of the hand of a reporter 40 feet behind the sideline." - Sal Maiorana, Bills beat writer

Good Old Caption Winner
"Rothwell, I said - DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!" - Matt Shaver

Kudos to Matt for pulling off his second Good Old Caption win of the month by recognizing that UFC fighter Ben Rothwell shares the same pudgy physique as Chunk from The Goonies. Hopefully your new Good Old Sport shirt will cover your stomach better than any shirt covers Chunk's gut.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Here are the NFL preseason games you'll feign interest in this weekend.
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