Peter North, Bubble Gum Lip, & 20Ks
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Thursday, May 12, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Beat Down. Like a scene starring Peter North, it took just over 5 minutes for the St. Louis Blues' 6-1 pummeling of the Dallas Stars to begin, and it didn't stop until the final moaning of the buzzer vibrated the throughout the building. The Blues advance to the Conference Finals and will take on the winner from tonight's Sharks/Predators matchup.
  • Save Your Strength. Defenses took a nap during the Golden State Warriors' thrilling 125-121, series-clinching win over the Portland Trail Blazers. Meanwhile, the fans took a nap during the Toronto Raptors' modest 99-91 victory over the Miami Heat. Listen, we're not saying a 99-91 point game isn't exciting, but when you know a Warriors/Blazers game is up next, it's important to rest up for the big boys.
  • Rubber Neck. Papua New Guinea’s David Mead and Fiji’s Brayden Wiliame have been listening to too much LL, because these two got their Headsprung in one major rugby collision. PNG would end up defeating Fiji in a 24-22 upset victory.
  • That Ain't Gum. Chicago White Sox third baseman Todd Frazier chomped through his own lip like it were a piece of Dubble Bubble as he dove into the stands trying to make a play on a foul ball in the Sox's 5-6 loss to the Texas Rangers. If he can't suit up for Friday's game against the Yankees, we have the perfect replacement.

The Main Event
So this is how it all ends.

Scientists from Harvard (so you know they're wicked smart) warn that the 2016 Rio Olympics could initiate a "full blown global health disaster." How do you like them apples? Yeah, us neither. The super smart scientists are of course talking about the Zika virus, which wins a Gold medal for causing birth defects in newborns. There's currently no cure for the virus and Congress doesn't seem too interested in funding one, so there's that.

The aforementioned "global health disaster" becomes a factor when those who are hypothetically infected with the virus return home with the potential to spread Zika to other mosquitoes or through sex (with humans, not mosquitoes). So put on those sweatpants and hold out for as long as possible, unless the person's really cute.

Granted, right now this is all hypothetical, but anything that could end up leading to a Contagion type outcome is not cool with us. Unless Gwyneth goes early.
Good Sport
Washington Nationals pitcher Max Scherzer looks like a cyborg, and he throws like one too. Just five days after the 18th anniversary of Kerry Woods' MLB record-tying 20-strikeout game that still makes baseball fans (risky click of the day) , Scherzer hopped on board by throwing his very own 20-strikeout game. In addition to Woods, Scherzer joins Randy "Bird Exploder" Johnson and Roger Clemons (who actually did it twice - 1 and 2) as the only pitchers to ever throw 20-strikeouts in a single game. The Nats would end up beating Scherzer's former team, the Detroit Tigers, 3-2, because you gotta be hot any time you're going to see your ex.

Bad Sport
Very Superstitious
Stevie Wonder can see what Michigan high school LAX players can't: how f*cking stupid sacrificing an animal for good luck is. At least 10 players on Grosse Ile's district team are being investigated by the police for killing a guinea pig and smearing its blood on their faces before a game. Apparently, the guinea pig blood was defective, because the team got their ass beat 13-6. Didn't they learn anything from Major League?

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of Bryce Harper earning his one-game suspension (which he's appealing). Winner gets a baseball tee worthy of suspending all your other tees. Permanently.

Send your captions to

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 6: Spurs at Thunder - 8:30pm on ESPN (Thunder lead 3-2)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 7: Predators at Sharks - 9pm on NBC Sports (series tied 3-3)
GOLF. PGA Tour: Players Championship at TPC Sawgrass, First-Round Play - 1pm on Golf Channel
WORLD HOCKEY. IIHF World Championship 2016: U.S. vs. France - 9am on NBC Sports
INVICTUS GAMES. Closing Ceremony - 7pm on ESPN2
COLLEGE BASEBALL. Kentucky at Mississippi - 7:30pm on ESPNU
WWE. SmackDown - 8pm on USA
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