Hung Over?, Cubbies Move On, & Kap Attack.
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Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Hockey's Back. The NHL kicks off tonight with four games conveniently played against rivals. Dear bosses - if your employees show up hung over tomorrow, be cool about it. K?
  • Mike & Mart. The NFL's Bennett brothers Michael (Seattle) and Martellus (New England) tell it like it really is. Martellus has no love for former teammates, saying he hated Jason Witten and the Bears roster is filled with, "a bunch of bitches."
  • Miracle Off The Field. Despite sucking at bat (0-3) and in the field during his first Arizona Fall League debut, Tim Tebow stuck with, and prayed for, a fan who had a seizure at the game. He may never make an MLB team, but he's #1 on Jesus' roster.
  • Kap Attack. Although we're surprised to hear his knees haven't been crippled with arthritis from all the kneeling he's been doing, it'll be nice to see Colin Kaepernick starting in the NFL again, if only to save us from watching Blaine Gabbert "play" quarterback.

The Main Event
WHAT?
NFL washout Greg Hardy is becoming an MMA fighter.

WHAT ELSE?
Hardy, the #4 most hated NFL player of all-time, was a the Carolina Panthers 2010 6th-round draft pick, and after three years of playing pretty good, Hardy's true colors shined, as he was forced to sit out for most of the 2014 season after the NFL finally began caring about when it's players would abuse women, as Hardy did. The only team willing to take on such a terrible person in 2015, was, you guessed it, the Dallas Cowboys. When you look at how he ruined that team with sideline arguments and locker room tension, coupled with his domestic abuse history, it should come as no surprise why this former All-Pro can't land a gig playing football and had to settle for MMA.

For the past several months Hardy's reportedly been training to make his MMA debut (expected in 2017), and it shows, because last month he was arrested for cocaine possession, like all the great MMA fighters.

THOUGHTS?
Hardy's move to MMA is incredibly fitting. This asshole loves violence, and will finally have a chance to hit people who aren't his girlfriend legally.

Good Sport
Top Of The 9th
Thanks to the uninspiring first pitch thrown pushed by Golden State Warrior Draymond Green, the San Francisco Giants fell to the Chicago Cubs, who rallied from being down 2-5 at the start of the 9th inning to wining 6-5. The Cubs advance to the NLCS, and pray there are no Steve Bartmans at Wrigley this time around.

Bad Sport
Sunday Grinch
Some asshat either doesn't like the Minnesota Vikings or inflatable decorations, either way, he felt stabbing the owner of an inflatable Vikings lawn decoration seven times was the appropriate reaction. Must have happened in a Neighborhood Watch-less neighborhood.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
We're at the point in the NFL and NCAA seasons where most fans have come to the bitter realization that either their team is good, or they're shitty. For those unfortunate souls who are experiencing the latter, this week's WYWW is for you.
Vodka. We're not talking about the good stuff here - quantity over quality; remember, your football team isn't winning a Lombardi Trophy or National Championship this year. If you're asking, "How do you know which bottle of vodka is right for me?" Easy! The vodka needs to fit both of these characteristcs:
1. The bottle is plastic
2. They only sell it in 1.75 liters
Now twist off that top and you'll forget all about your team's ensuing four-win season.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NHL. St. Louis Blues at Chicago Blackhawks - 8pm on NBCSN; Los Angeles Kings at San Jose Sharks - 10:30pm on NBCSN
MLB PLAYOFFS. Teams TBD - 8pm on TBS
COLLEGE FOOTBALL. Appalachian State at Louisiana (Lafayette) - 8pm on ESPN2
GOLF. World Long Drive Championship - 8pm on GOLF
WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL. Mississippi State at Alabama - 9pm on ESPNU
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