Hollow Legs, Big Pervert, & Finish Him.
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Friday, March 4, 2016

Friday Fun

The Main Event
WHAT?
The Davis Cup, a tennis tournament featuring teams representing countries from across the globe, starts today.

WHAT ELSE?
The U.S. is bro king at the Davis Cup, which is often called "The World Cup of Tennis," as they've won 32 titles, the most in history. The Yanks face Australia in the first round, who own the second most titles (29). The Aussies will certainly be a tough out, but the U.S. caught a break when Nick Kyrgios (Australia's second best player) was forced to pull out of the tournament due to injury. It's certainly good news for the States, but bad news for viewers who won't get to watch Kyrgios shit-talk opponents by telling them about his friend who banged their girlfriend. The first round concludes this Sunday, with the second round (Quarterfinals) beginning July 15th, the third round (Semifinals) starting on September 18th, before the Finals kickoff on November 27th. In other words, we'll be waiting a while for the winner.

THOUGHTS?
The matches take place in various arenas across the world, so they'll be playing at all odd-hours of the day (and night). But like the 2014 FIFA World Cup, waking up at 6 a.m. and proceeding to get shitfaced while rooting for Lady Liberty is a beautiful sign of patriotism, and not a deeper alcohol-related issue... right?

Good Sport
35 & Counting
With last night's 5-1 victory over Rayo Vallecano, FC Barcelona has now won 35-straight games across all competitions, which is a new record for Spanish soccer clubs. The previous record of 34-straight victories was held by Real Madrid C.F. during the 1988-89 season.

Honorable Mention: The Anaheim Ducks have won 10 games in a row, and are officially as good as the NBA's Philadelphia 76ers are shitty. The Sixers have lost an embarrassing, and hilarious, 10-straight games.

Bad Sport
Hollow Legs
Former sprint runner Oscar "Blade Runner" Pistorius will not be given the option to appeal his murder conviction, which he received for shooting his wife to death on Valentine's Day 2013. The hopeless romantic will be sentenced on April 18th, where he faces up to 15 years in prison. On the bright side, if he wears hollow prosthetic legs while in the slammer he'll have another fun place to hide contraband besides his asshole. #PositiveThinking

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Taylor Crozier. The 11-year-old hit a hole-in-one on the inaugural shot that christened the first Tiger Woods-designed golf course. Woods immediately embraced the boy to congratulate him in what must have been a bittersweet moment for Tiger. Sweet because it was a great PR moment for the opening of his course, yet bitter because the over-the-hill golfer likely realized the kid did something Tiger will never do again; hit a hole-in-one.

Honorable Mention: Florida Panthers right winger Jaromír Jágr tied hockey legend Gordie Howe for third on the NHL's all-time points list (1,850).

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Adam Johnson. The big pervert, and former soccer player for Sunderland A.F.C., has been found guilty of having sex with a 15-year-old girl in his Range Rover. Johnson, who committed the act while his (now ex) girlfriend was pregnant, is facing up to 10 years behind bars. And the Dad of the Year award goes to...

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Carlos Kameni, a goal keeper for Málaga CF, forgot how to soccer when he slapped a ball into his own goal. No orange slices and Hi-C pouches for him after the game.

Quote of the Week
"If we're gonna have a three-point line, let's have a five-point line. The only problem is Steph would probably kill it. So it's like cutting your nose off to spite your face, you know?" - Gregg Popovich

The San Antonio Spurs coach tied in face mutilation when asked if the NBA should move back the three-point line.

Good Old Caption Winner
"'I wish I knew how to quit you' - Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain"

John Kostick with the casual gay cowboy reference for the win! A Good Old Sport baseball tee is on the way, gaucho.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Since you're sure as hell not going to see London Has Fallen this weekend, here's what to watch instead.
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