La-Z-Boy, Bacteria Supervillains, Slinging Poo.
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Monday, June 13, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • Moving On. The United States Men's National Soccer Team continued their journey toward respectability by beating Paraguay 1-0 in their Copa América Centenario match on Saturday, which advances the U.S. to the Copa quarterfinals for the first time since Bill Clinton got his blowy from Monica Lewinsky (1995).
  • Create, Don't Exaggerate. After winning the Preakness, it appears Exaggerator's abilities may have been, well, exaggerated. As the favorite to win the Belmont Stakes, Mr. Ex to the G Exaggerator finished 11th (out of 13), while Creator won the race in a photo finish.
  • La-Z-Boy. Golden State Warriors point guard Steph Curry rocked his infamous "dad shoes" in practice yesterday, despite receiving copious amounts of shade from the internet when he debuted them last week. Here's hoping Steph remembers to show up to Game 5 of the NBA Finals tonight after cleaning out the gutters and taking a nap in his La-Z-Boy this afternoon.

The Main Event
The Pittsburgh Penguins are the 2016 Stanley Cup Champions after beating the San Jose Sharks 3-1 last night, taking the seven-game series 4-2.

If former Pittsburgh Penguins coach Mike Johnston didn't feel completely emasculated earlier this season after being fired just 28 games in, watching his replacement, Mike Sullivan, lead the Penguins to their fourth Stanley Cup title (and first since 2009) will probably do it. Johnston also has Penguins forward Sidney Crosby to thank for his misery, as "Sid the Kid" scored 19 points in the postseason en route to winning the Conn Smythe Trophy, given to the most valuable player during the playoffs.

If it makes the San Jose Sharks feel better, they're still the beard champions. Sharks defenseman Brent Burns and centerman Joe Thornton's beards could put Rubeus Hagrid on notice, while Penguins centerman Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby's patchy, pre-pubescent efforts (pictured above) would be laughed out of an eighth-grade locker room.

Good Sport
Party Time In The I.V.
Down 3-0 in the bottom of the ninth, UC Santa Barbara's Sam Cohen hit a walk-off grand slam to send UCSB to their first ever College World Series, which starts this Saturday. Until then, we can expect wild celebratory parties to erupt in Isla Vista where dick costumes, tit grabs, and passed out freshmen are par for the course.

Honorable Mention: Thanks to a putt he made from the moon (31-feet), 23-year-old golfer Daniel Berger won his first PGA Tour title by edging out Phil Mickelson to take the FedEx St. Jude Classic (-13).

Bad Sport
Bacteria Supervillains
As if Zika wasn't bad enough, Rio also has pathogens in their water that are so dangerous scientists are calling them "super bacteria." This Suicide Squad of bacteria is fatal, drug-resistant, and will be present at the rowing and canoe Olympic venues. Don't rock the boat!

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Cleveland Cavaliers coach Tyronn Lue was fined $25k for lipping-off at a post-game press conference after Game 4 of the NBA Finals on Friday, where he criticized officials for not calling enough fouls on defenders legally guarding LeBron James when he's driving to the hoop.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Lionel Messi. The Argentinian soccer player came off the bench as a second-half sub during Argentina's Copa America Centenario game against Panama on Friday night and scored three goals in just 19 minutes in Argentina's 5-0 win. This came a day after legendary Argentinian soccer player Diego Maradona said Messi "doesn't have the personality to be a leader." Come on over to Lionel's place, Maradona, Chef Messi's serving up crow and humble pie for supper.

Honorable Mention: Arkansas won their first ever women's NCAA Track & Field title, while Florida won the men's title.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Draymond Green. The Golden State Warriors power forward is madly in love with opposing players' dongs. Not that there's anything wrong with that. After giving OKC Thunder center Steven Adams a pair of nut shots in the Western Conference Finals, Green slapped Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James in the dick during the Dubs' 108-97 win on Friday night, which has resulted in Green's fourth Flagrant Foul, and a suspension for Game 5 tonight at Golden State.

Related: Speaking of nut shots, Cleveland Indians third baseman Juan Uribe was carted off the field yesterday when he took a 106-mph ground ball to his family jewels, which caused him to miss the rest of the game with a "testicular contusion."

Tweet of the Weekend
"Just seen an England fan shit in his own hand and hurl it at riot police. Terrible scenes here. #Marseille #ENG" - Glenn Bond

Humans share 99% of their DNA with chimps. That connection has never been clearer as an English soccer fan allegedly hurled feces at police, like a chimp, after fan violence erupted before, during, and after the England-Russia Euro game on Saturday. England and Russia were both given disqualification warnings in the wake of their fans' primitive display.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Cubs at Nationals - 7pm on ESPN
NBA FINALS. Game 5: Cavaliers at Warriors - 9pm on ABC (Warriors lead 3-1)
SOCCER. UEFA Euro 2016: Spain vs. Czech Republic - 8:30am on ESPN; UEFA Euro 2016: Ireland vs. Sweden - 11:30am on ESPN; UEFA Euro 2016: Belgium vs. Italy - 2:30pm on ESPN; Copa America Centenario: Mexico vs. Venezuela - 8pm on Fox Sports 1; Copa America Centenario: Uruguay vs. Jamaica - 10pm on Fox Sports 1
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