Father's Day Fun, The Flip Flop, & Throwing Slurs.
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Monday, June 20, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend

The Main Event
WHAT?
The Cleveland Cavaliers became the first team in NBA history to overcome a 3-1 deficit to win the NBA Finals, defeating the Golden State Warriors and ending Cleveland's hilariously-pathetic streak of 52 years without a major sports championship.

WHAT ELSE?
In 2014, Cavs forward LeBron James returned to his home state of Ohio from the Miami Heat with a promise to deliver a championship to Cleveland. He delivered on that promise with a dominating performance that culminated in a unanimous Finals MVP award (only player in NBA history to lead players on both teams in points, rebounds, assists, steals, and blocks for an entire playoff series). Thanks to a triple-double from King James and a disappearing act by the reigning NBA MVP, Dubs point guard Steph Curry (17 points), the Cavs pulled out a 93-89 win in a back-and-forth, tightly contested Game 7 last night to seal the series. Now James gets to hand an NBA championship trophy to Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, who once called LeBron a "narcissistic, self-promotional" coward in an open letter to Cavs fans. Whoops!

THOUGHTS?
Watching the Warriors fall after posting an NBA-record 73-win season reminds us of the 2007 New England Patriots, who went an NFL-record 16-0 before having their pants pulled down by the New York Giants in Super Bowl 42. We can't imagine the pain of a championship loss after a record-breaking season, but the Warriors, much like the Pats, can take comfort in knowing their monumental failure will clothe thousands of third-world children. Luckily, the Dubs won't have to go shirtless, thanks to the fan-created "Bye, Ayesha" shirts (which plays off Friday's famous "Bye Felicia" scene, and this very NSFW scene from Straight Outta Compton), that were made to commemorate Ayesha Curry's (Steph Curry's wife) Twitter rant where she called the NBA Finals "rigged." Thanks for providing additional shirt options for your husband and his teammates, Ayesha.

Good Sport
Exercising Demons
Despite cheating a bit (illegally moved his ball, which resulted in a one-stroke penalty), American golfer Dustin Johnson finished at four under to win the U.S. Open (his first major win), the same tournament he should have won last year but didn't because he forgot how to putt on the last hole. Our favorite moment of the tournament, however, came from English golfer Danny Willett, who smashed his putter to pieces in frustration, later saying, "the putter has been bad all week." Sure, pal, it's the putter's fault.

Honorable Mention: The San Francisco Giants have won eight-straight games, which makes the Texas Rangers' current six-game winning streak look like piss.

Bad Sport
Throwing Slurs
Mexico's national soccer team experienced a pants-shitting of epic proportions on Saturday when they were eliminated from Copa América Centenario by Chile via a 7-0 ass-whooping, which was the worst loss in team history. Mexican fans who witnessed the gruesome slaughter of their national team respectfully shook hands with opposing fans before gracefully leaving the stadium. Just kidding, they shouted homophobic slurs at their own team and threw trash onto the field.

Related: At least Mexico supporters didn't hurl exploding flares onto the field like fans at the Euro match between Croatia-Czech Republic did.

What Has The Rio Olympic Committee F*cked Up Now?
Alas, we have another chapter to bring you in our ongoing saga chronicling the disastrous developments coming out of Rio, host of the 2016 Summer Olympic Games.

Apparently, when Rio promised to "create a city worthy of the Olympic torch," they were just dicking us around. A state of "financial emergency" was declared on Friday, resulting in a request for federal monies to avoid a total financial collapse, and to fund public services during the Olympics. At least Rio doesn't have to worry about providing services for Russia's Track & Field athletes, as their doping ban was upheld, keeping them out of the Olympics.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Michael Fulmer. The Detroit Tigers pitcher set a new team rookie record for consecutive scoreless innings (33 1/3). If Fulmer's anything like us, we'll assume he stopped at 33 1/3 on purpose because he's a big Naked Gun fan.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Cristiano Ronaldo. The Portuguese pretty boy was more interested in looking cute for fan selfies than helping Portugal advance in Euro 2016 on Saturday, as he biffed a penalty kick (he's made almost 90% of his PKs over the last five years) that led to a draw with (the inferior) Austria. Portugal is now in a must win situation against their next opponent (Hungary) to stay alive in the tournament.

Tweet of the Weekend
"I'm going to give myself a 2 John Daly cocktail penalty for just watching this tournament!" - John Daly

The pro golfer and human dive bar simply couldn't handle watching the U.S. Open sober, so he double-fisted his own branded-booze while smoking a dirt.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Nationals at Dodgers - 10pm on ESPN
SOCCER. UEFA Euro 2016: Slovakia vs. England - 2:30pm on ESPN; UEFA Euro 2016: Russia vs. Wales - 2:30pm on ESPN2
COLLEGE BASEBALL. World Series: UC Santa Barbara vs. Miami (Fla.) - 2pm on ESPNU; Oklahoma State vs. Arizona - 10pm on ESPN
OLYMPIC TRIALS. U.S. diving team - 7pm on NBC Sports
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