Candid Camera, Presidential Bribery, & What Are The Odds?
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Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Candid Camera. Police body-camera footage was released of UFC star Jon Jones' citation for drag racing last week. It's worth a watch, especially when it gets to the part where Jones calls the "pig" an "absolute f*cking liar" to his face.
  • Never Tell Me The Odds. The North Carolina Tar Heels opened the week as 4-5 favorites to win March Madness, which means you'll win just $80 bucks if you plunk down $100. Shitty payout, no doubt, but remember that fortune favors the bold, like this dude who put $100 on Syracuse before the tournament began to win the whole thing. The 1000-1 odds equates to a $100k payout if 'Cuse takes the tourney. It looks like blackout-drunk bets in Vegas aren't a bad idea after all.
  • A Hillbilly Zombie's Wet Dream. NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. will donate his brain for concussion research. Mmmm, brains.
  • Drag You Down With Me. Sacramento Kings point guard Rajon Rondo, who had a bitter separation from his last team (Dallas Mavericks), was happy to worsen the Mavs' playoff chances when the Kings won 133-111 in Dallas. After being booed throughout the game, Rondo said that since his Kings weren't going to the playoffs, he didn't want the Mavs to either. Not that he's bitter or anything...
  • Hollywood Hitter. Los Angeles Clippers bad boy Blake Griffin will guest star on tomorrow night's episode of Broad City. Hopefully he doesn't punch anyone.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Today's an important day for U.S. soccer. The United States men's national soccer team (USMNT) plays Guatemala in a World Cup qualifying match, while the under-23 men's national soccer team (U-23 MNT) plays Colombia in an Olympic qualifier.

WHAT ELSE?
Both games are, in effect, must wins if we expect to see blind-drunk yanks in the stands cheering on U.S. soccer at the next World Cup and Olympics. If the USMNT loses to Guatemala today, they'll drop to third in their group, which could leave them shit out of luck considering only the top two teams move on to the next round. A victory would put them back in second place, and in prime position to continue their uninspired World Cup qualifying run. As for the Olympics, which is restricted to players under 23 years old, 15 of 16 berths are already spoken for, leaving the U-23 MNT and Colombia to duke it out for the last spot. The teams play two games against each other, with the combined score determining the winner. The first of those games already happened, a 1-1 draw this past Friday, which obviously makes today do or die time for the U-23 MNT. Tune in tonight to watch the USMNT at 7pm and the U-23 MNT at 9:20pm on ESPN2 (ET). If you're a patriot, you'll do it.

THOUGHTS?
It would be nice if these boys could get their shit together and start acting like women. The United States women's national soccer team (USWNT) has already qualified for the Olympics, and are favored to win the whole damn thing (they've won gold the last three Olympics in a row).

Good Sport
Back From The Future
UConn is a pretty safe bet to win the women's March Madness tournament. Not even Marty McFly traveling back from the future with a 2016 Sports Almanac in hand saying they won would make them more of a sure thing. They've won their four 2016 March Madness games by a combined score of 382-203, and their 86-65 win over Texas last night is their 22nd consecutive tournament win, the longest streak in women's Division 1 history. No. 4 Syracuse, No. 7 Washington, and No. 2 Oregon State are the other three unlucky teams to join UConn in the Final Four.

Honorable Mention: Oklahoma City Thunder point guard Russell Westbrook tied Michael Jordan's record for triple-doubles in a calendar month (7) in the Thunder's 119-100 win over the Toronto Raptors last night.

Bad Sport
Presidential Bribery
How high does the FIFA soccer bribery scandal go? Apparently, pretty damn high. Rafael Callejas, the former president of Honduras from 1990-1994, admitted he took bribes from FIFA in exchange for broadcasting rights. Callejas has agreed to forfeit $650k, and he faces up to 40 years in a federal pound-me-in-the-asser. We doubt he'll get anything close to 40 years, but we'll find out for sure when he's sentenced on August 5th.

How To Get Away With Murder
The LAPD is investigating a death threat made against Los Angeles Clippers point guard Chris Paul's wife, Jada Paul. The threat comes from a Twitter user who Chris claims has been harassing he and his wife for some time, including a tweet that said Jada has a "Jay Leno Chin." While hilarious and not entirely unfounded, most of the tweets were similarly juvenile until they received the following; "@CP3 if I knew where you lived I’d probably kill your wife and frame you for it. I watch dateline I get away with it." If this murder is successfully pulled off, Dateline should at least be considered an accessory.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: The Los Angeles Lakers lost by 48 points to the Utah Jazz last night (123-75), which is tied for the biggest ass-whooping in Lakers franchise history.

Never Forget
When former Jacksonville Jaguars running back Maurice Jones-Drew mimed his favorite off-field activity. Never Forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Rockets at Cavaliers - 8pm on TNT; Wizards at Warriors - 10:30pm on TNT
NHL. Avalanche at Blues - 8:30pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. NIT Tournament: BYU vs. Valparaiso - 7pm on ESPN; NIT Tournament: George Washington vs. San Diego State - 9pm on ESPN
SOCCER. International Friendly: Germany vs. Italy - 2:30pm on ESPN2; International Friendly: England vs. Netherlands - 3pm on Fox Sports 1; CONCACAF 2018 World Cup Qualifying Soccer: U.S. vs. Guatemala - 7pm on ESPN2; Olympic Qualifying Soccer: U.S. vs. Colombia - 9:20pm on ESPN2; CONCACAF 2018 World Cup Qualifying Soccer: Mexico vs. Canada - 10:20pm on Fox Sports 1
JIMMY FALLON. Wrestler John Cena stops by The Tonight Show to discuss a possible return to WWE and hopefully perform his signature "Attitude Adjustment" maneuver on Jimmy - 11:35pm on NBC
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