Purple-Shirt Guy, Luke The Laker, & Bloody Playoffs.
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Monday, May 2, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • Destruction Derby. Brad Keselowski won the GEICO 500 at Talladega, a race that could've easily been confused for a destruction derby. 35 of 40 cars were damaged in two major pileups (#1 and #2), a pair of cars went airborne, and Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s steering wheel fell off mid-race. All in all, it was a fun day.
  • Luke The Laker. The Los Angeles Lakers hired Luke Walton to be their next head coach, mostly because Walton was lucky enough to be an assistant coach (and part-time interim coach) to the best team in the NBA (Golden State Warriors). We're not saying Walton will fail, but this signing reminds us of the flameout New England Patriots assistant coaches that were given head coaching gigs because of their Pats pedigree. Looking at you Josh McDaniels and Romeo Crennel.
  • One Hell Of An Inning. The New York Mets scored more in one inning than you did in all of high school. They set a club record by scoring 12 runs in the third inning, six of which came off the bat of outfielder Yoenis Céspedes, of their Friday night 13-1 ass-whooping of the San Francisco Giants.
  • Nine Figures. Former prison inmate, and retired boxer, Floyd Mayweather may be un-retiring from boxing. With regards to his motive, look no further than a claimed "9 figure" payday as the reason for his potential return.

The Main Event
Holy hell it was a busy (and bloody) playoff weekend. Let's get right into it.

The Los Angeles Clippers, Charlotte Hornets, and Indiana Pacers were all sent packing from the NBA playoffs. It was a particularly brutal ousting for the Clips, who, after watching their two best players go down with injuries, saw the coach's son (Austin Rivers) take such a vicious elbow to the face it made The Rock's People's Elbow look like a love tap. Two second-round series also began, as the Golden State Warriors topped the Portland Trail Blazers 118-106 thanks to a Draymond Green triple-double and 37 points from Klay Thompson (career-playoff-high), and the San Antonio Spurs took Game 1 from Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder in a 124-92 humiliation. The beat-down was so bad that Durant said "I'm not telling you," when asked about his emotions after the game, causing the media to speculate about his future with the team. It's one game, guys... relax.

Meanwhile, the second-round of the NHL playoffs is providing plenty of parity. Series between the Tampa Bay Lightning and New York Islanders, Washington Capitals and Pittsburgh Penguins, and St. Louis Blues and Dallas Stars are all tied 1-1. The Nashville Predators are the only ones blowing this picturesque playoff landscape, having lost 3-2 to the San Jose Sharks last night, falling back 0-2 in the series.

Aside from Jeb Bush pulling an old white guy by flubbing a social media post (he spelled Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade's name "Dawane" in a since-deleted Twitter post), our favorite part of the playoff weekend was the emergence of "purple-shirt guy," who sat courtside during the Heat-Hornets series. Purple-shirt guy gave the Heat hell, and consistently jeered "Dawane," even telling him it was time to retire. Wade would go on to hit two three-pointers to win Game 6, before the Heat would eventually close the series against the Hornets. Backfire City, population: Purple-shirt guy.

Good Sport
Late-Round Fun
The 2016 NFL Draft wrapped up on Saturday, and although watching any round after the first is as painful a viewing experience as the time you watched Team America and your parents came into the room during the puppet sex scene, there was still some fun to be had in rounds 2-7. We saw the Tampa Bay Buccaneers make the "dumbest pick in the history of the draft" by moving up in the second round to take a kicker, the Minnesota Vikings made history by drafting a player straight from Europe, a pair of late-round picks lost their shit after hearing they'd been drafted, with one ripping his shirt like the Incredible Hulk while the other dove into a pool fully-clothed, and Glenn Gronkowski, brother of NFL meathead Gronkowski, signed with the Buffalo Bills. Find out if you have any reason to celebrate by tearing your shirt and jumping into a pool because of your team's picks right here.

Honorable Mention: Leicester City soccer player Jamie Vardy, who was banned from two matches in the past week, has been chosen as the Football Writers' Association Footballer of the Year.

Bad Sport
No Racket Is Safe
Bulgarian tennis player, and future anger management class attendee, Grigor Dimitrov was forced to concede the Istanbul Open final this weekend after smashing three rackets in a fit of rage that would make Bruce Banner blush. Argentinian Diego Schwartzman was the benefactor, as Dimitrov's meltdown handed Schwartzman his first career ATP Tour title. Schwartzman likes it when this Hulk's angry.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Washington Capitals defenseman Brooks Orpik has been suspended three games for this late hit to Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Olli Maatta's head.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Li Hao-Tong. The 20-year-old Chinese golfer did his home country proud by winning the European Tour's Volvo China Open, beating Chilean golfer Felipe Aguilar by three strokes. We're sure fellow golfer Tiger Woods (part Chinese) would have been much more proud of Hao-Tong had Woods been drafted by the Chinese delegation instead of the Black delegation in Dave Chappelle's Racial Draft.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Tyson Gay. The American track and field sprinter has trouble letting go... of batons. He biffed an exchange so badly in the men’s 4-by-100-meter relay at this weekend's Penn Relays (seen as a measuring stick for Olympic hopefuls) that it cost Team USA the race, giving Jamaica the win. Luckily, the U.S. won their other five races that day.

Tweet of the Weekend
"75% philly niggas gay." - Wendell Smallwood

An old tweet from the former West Virginia running back resurfaced when he was drafted by none other than the Philadelphia Eagles this weekend. Apparently the Eagles were fine drafting Smallwood despite his thinking that 3/4 of Philly engages in an extra-familiar kind of brotherly love.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: "@WillBurge should have just said it to my face instead of sitting across from us tweeting away. Pussy" Johnny Manziel tweeted his displeasure with Cleveland radio personality Will Burge, who posted just the saddest photo of Manziel drinking at a bar during the NFL Draft.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Cubs at Pirates - 7pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 1: Hawks at Cavaliers - 7pm on TNT; Game 2: Thunder at Spurs - 9:30pm on TNT (Spurs lead 1-0)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 3: Capitals at Penguins - 8pm on NBC Sports (series tied 1-1)
SOCCER. Bundesliga: Werder Bremen vs. Stuttgart - 2pm on Fox Sports 1; Premier League: Chelsea vs. Tottenham - 2:55pm on NBC Sports
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