Dick Pound, Putin, & Owen Wilson Nose.
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Thursday, March 10, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Backup Girl. The Denver Broncos are the cocky guy at the party who, after losing the hot chick, discovers his backup girl already left. Brock Osweiler, who was the Broncos' backup quarterback and heir apparent to Peyton Manning for the last four years, left Denver mile-high and dry by signing a four-year, $72 million deal with the Houston Texans. Now the Broncos are without a quarterback and will have to sleep alone.
  • Don't Worry, It's Just Practice. The Baltimore Orioles have lost all nine Spring Training games they've played so far. We know it's just practice, but Jesus.
  • Shit, This Isn't Practice. Unfortunately for the Philadelphia 76ers, they're playing in games that count, and they've lost 13 of them in a row.
  • Cover Boy. What a week for Chicago Blackhawks right winger Patrick Kane. He made the cover of this week's Sports Illustrated and he won't be suspended by the NHL because the league absolved him of any wrongdoing after reviewing his sexual assault case. It must be nice to be great at hockey and not guilty of rape.
  • We're Gonna Score! After 18 years in the NFL, penis-shaped quarterback Matt Hasselbeck will retire and join ESPN as an analyst. Although he led the Seattle Seahawks to a Super Bowl, his most memorable moment came in a 2003 playoff game against the Green Bay Packers. Having won a possession-deciding coin toss to start overtime, Hasselbeck was asked if he wanted to kick or receive, to which he famously replied, "We wan't the ball, we're gonna score!" He threw a game-sealing pick-six moments later. What a legacy.
  • The Great Outdoors. If you love watching outdoor hockey games from really far away, you'll be happy to hear the NHL has announced their next set of outdoor games for the 2016-17 season, with the Toronto Maple Leafs, St. Louis Blues, Pittsburgh Penguins, and Winnipeg Jets all hosting games at way-too-big stadiums that were definitely not designed for hockey.

The Main Event
WHAT?
When it comes to the Rio 2016 Summer Olympics, Russia is in a world of shit.

WHAT ELSE?
Russian athletes are soaked in performance-enhancing substances. You know about tennis player Maria Sharapova's admission to taking meldonium (a banned substance), but you may not have heard that Russian athletes Ekaterina Bobrova (figure skater), Semena Elistratova and Pavel Kulizhnikov (short-track skaters), and Alexander Markin (volleyball) also tested positive for meldonium in the last week. These recent revelations are just the latest black-eye for Russia, who's already suspended from World Track and Field events due to doping.

Russia's doping issues, which are considered to be "among the worst in athletics history," may leave one of the foremost sports superpowers shit out of luck for several events come Olympic time. In yesterday's "Tackling Doping in Sport 2016" conference, World Anti-Doping Agency chairman Dick Pound (not a Peter North rival) stressed that Russia is running out of time to meet a series of conditions for its anti-doping operation. Bottom line: If Russia can't prove they can play fair, they won't play at all.

THOUGHTS?
Our favorite part of Dick Pound's address at yesterday's conference was the way he relentlessly went after Sharapova. Preferred one-liners include; "She absolutely deserves to be banned," "What was she thinking?" and "How stupid can you be?" Kudos to Dick for pounding Sharapova in a public forum and becoming our latest fetish.

Good Sport
He Nose No Bounds
Duke forward Marshall Plumlee is a man among boys. Despite suffering a brutal broken nose, which was so bent out of shape we thought Owen Wilson snuck onto the court, Plumlee returned to score three, tie-breaking points with just 1:14 left in the game. That would prove to be the difference, as Duke held on for a 92-89 win over North Carolina State in the second round of the ACC Tournament.

Related: Georgia Tech erased an 18-point second-half deficit to beat Clemson 88-85 in an overtime thriller. Time to cancel plans so you don't miss any other great Championship Week games.

Bad Sport
Watch It, Chief
The Kansas City Chiefs were docked two draft picks and fined $250k for illegally contacting current Chiefs wide receiver Jeremy Maclin during the 2015 free agency period while he was still under contract with his former team, the Philadelphia Eagles. Where's the punishment for the douchebag who immorally contacted your ex-girlfriend while you were still together?

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Cornell men's basketball forward Xavier Eaglin scored a triple threat of assholery. He was arrested on charges of rape, sexual assault, and strangulation.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Very not good hockey player Jarred Tinordi of the Phoenix Coyotes has been suspended 20 games for a PED violation. Do people not bother using whizzinators anymore to get by these drug tests? Make an effort.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of one rugby player implementing the classic "f*ck you" strategy on another. This week's winner gets a GOS pint glass for their Friday morning Bloody Mary. Sorry, boss, my alcoholism says it's the weekend already!

Send your captions to coach@goodoldsport.com

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Bulls at Spurs - 8pm on TNT; Cavaliers at Lakers - 10:30pm on TNT
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. ACC Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. North Carolina - 12pm on ESPN; Big 12 Basketball Tournament: Baylor vs. Texas - 12:30pm on ESPN2; Big East Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. Villanova - 12pm on Fox Sports 1; ACC Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. Notre Dame - 2pm on ESPN; Big 12 Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. Kansas - 2:30pm on ESPN; Big East Basketball Tournament: Butler Bulldogs at Providence Friars - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1; ACC Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. Virginia - 7pm on ESPN; Big Ten Basketball Tournament: Penn State vs. Ohio State - 6:30pm on ESPN2; Big East Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. Xavier - 7pm on Fox Sports 1; ACC Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. Miami - 9pm on ESPN; Big Ten Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. Wisconsin - 8:30pm on ESPN; Pac-12 Basketball Tournament: TBA vs. California - 11:30pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. PGA Tour: Valspar Championship, First-Round Play - 3pm on Golf Channel
TENNIS. BNP Paribas Open: ATP & WTA 1st Round - 2pm on Tennis Channel
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