Daly The Hutt, Chewy's Cocktail, & The Sarlacc Pit.
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Wednesday, May 4, 2016
May the Fourth be with you

Quick Hits
  • The Illinois Jar Jars. The University of Illinois announced they will select a new mascot after their last one, Chief Illiniwek, was discontinued for being racist as hell. Although Admiral Ackbar was unofficially adopted by Ole Miss, we're pretty sure Jar Jar Binks is still available.
  • Torched. The Dallas Stars got torched worse than Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru in a 6-1 loss to the St. Louis Blues, giving the Blues a 2-1 lead in their playoff series. Elsewhere, the Tampa Bay Lightning edged the New York Islanders 5-4 in OT, while the Nashville Predators beat the San Jose Sharks 4-1.
  • Solo Swag. Chicago Cubs pitcher Jake Arrieta, the reigning National League Cy Young Award winner, is as hot as Han Solo. He threw seven-scoreless innings in the Cubs' 7-1 victory over the Pittsburgh Pirates last night, extending his undefeated record to 6-0 this season.
  • Richest In The Galaxy. On top of being named NL Player of the Month, Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper signed the richest endorsement deal ever for any baseball player in this galaxy, and possibly other galaxies far, far away. Financial terms of his 10-year deal with Under Armour were not released.
  • No Luke, No Problem. In the NBA postseason star system, the Golden State Warriors (sans their Luke Skywalker; Steph Curry) went up 2-0 in their playoff series against the Portland Trail Blazers by pulling out a 110-99 win, while the Miami Heat beat the Toronto Raptors 102-96 to take a 1-0 lead in their series.

The Main Event
Let's take a moment to appreciate John Daly, the Jabba the Hutt of golf, who has somehow lived long enough to play in the PGA TOUR Champions' Insperity Invitational, which begins this Friday.

Like Jabba, Daly is known for living an overweight, shirtless and shoeless-life of excess, having spent 25 years on the PGA Tour eating, drinking, and smoking his way to 5 PGA titles and 20-overall professional wins. Now that he just celebrated his 50th birthday, which fellow golfer Fuzzy Zoeller bet Daly $150k he wouldn't live to see, Daly is eligible for the PGA TOUR Champions (tour for golfers over 50). As one of the most colorful (literally and figuratively) characters in the history of golf, the Insperity Invitational is prepping for his arrival as much as it's bracing for impact. John Daly bobbleheads are being produced to celebrate his first event, which are likely being given away to distract his "loudmouth fans" from completely turning the tour into a Happy Gilmore-style rock concert. Get yourself pumped up to watch Daly the Hutt this weekend with this video from our friends at Skratch TV, which highlights Daly's career in beer-chugging, cheeseburgers, and mullets.

"I don't think I've ever stepped into a gym - they won't let me smoke there. I just thank God Miller Lite isn't as fattening as most beers. If I cut back on beer, though, I'd look anorexic." - John Daly and/or Jabba the Hutt

Good Sport
NBA Jumping Into The Sarlacc Pit
The NBA may soon play a regular-season game on the desert plains of Tatooine Australia. The NBL (National Basketball League - Australia) is partnering with the NBA and FIBA (International Basketball Federation) to bring Basketball without Borders (BWB) to Melbourne, Australia this June. The NBL believes hosting the 15th edition of BWB, a youth community outreach program, is one step closer to having an NBA game played in Australia. NBL owner Larry Kestleman went as far as to say, "it's more a question of when, not if." We're all for it, but we hear there's some crazy wildlife in the sand out there... especially the Sarlacc.

Bad Sport
Calgary Flames coach Bob Hartley has failed for the last time. Despite winning NHL’s Coach of the Year just least season, Hartley was fired (luckily not by Darth Vader) after an abysmal 35-40-7 record (12th in the Western Conference) this past season.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: The NBA admitted officials missed five calls (on both teams) in the final 13.5 seconds of the Oklahoma City Thunders' Game 2 win over the San Antonio Spurs. We've seen better accuracy from Storm Troopers.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Ukrainian former Olympic Gold medal wrestler Vyacheslav Oliynyk is harder to bring down than a Rancor. He was pulled over for suspicion of DUI, and it took seven police officers to subdue him after he began taking swings. Oliynyk was later released by the cops because Ukraine.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
This week's booze selection is a favorite of dudes from the human and wookiee race alike: The White Russian
Although delicious as a standalone piece, the dessert of cocktails is best enjoyed ironically while viewing The Big Lebowski. We implore you to watch "the Dude" poor Caucasian after Caucasian during his quest to reacquire his piss-stained rug, which really tied the room together, without craving one yourself. A traditional recipe calls for 1 1/2 ounces of vodka, 1 ounce of cream, and 1 ounce of Kahlúa. Good Old Sport prefers at least two ounces of vodka, which will put so much hair on your chest you'll wake up tomorrow looking like Chewbacca. "Purists" will disagree, but half & half or 2% will do just fine if you don't have cream. Remember, you're downing these while watching The Big Lebowski in your underwear, not in front of a mixologist at a bartending class.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Red Sox at White Sox - 8pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 2: Hawks at Cavaliers - 8pm on TNT (Cavaliers lead 1-0)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 4: Capitals at Penguins - 8pm on NBC Sports (Penguins lead 2-1)
SOCCER. Champions League: Real Madrid vs. Manchester City - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
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