The Next Charlie Sheen, Ron Swanson's Remedy, & Railslides.
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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Gosh, We're Freakin' Idiots! Napoleon Dynamite scored in high school more than the Boston Celtics scored against the Atlanta Hawks last night. The Celtics mustered just seven points in the first quarter (fewest first-quarter points in NBA playoff history) on their way to a 89-72, Game 2 loss to the Hawks, who now lead the series 2-0.
  • Let It Slide. Watch this video of X Games Freeski gold medalist Tom Wallisch breaking the world record for longest railslide. Wallisch was seemingly able to unlock a Tony Hawk's Pro Skater-style "Infinite Rail" cheat, sliding for 424 feet, beating the previous record by 183 feet.
  • Sad-Ass Sox. Washington Nationals superstar Bryce Harper is better than the entire Boston Red Sox' sad-ass lineup. Harper hit his second grand slam in a week, and fifth home run in his last six games in the Nats' 7-0 drubbing of the Miami Marlins last night. Meanwhile, the Sox got one goddamn hit in a shutout embarrassment to the Tampa Bay Rays for their third consecutive loss.
  • That's Better? The Phoenix Suns will retain interim coach Earl Watson for 2017. Watson went 9-24 after replacing former coach Jeff Hornacek on February 1st, which makes us wonder who'll replace Watson the same time next year.
  • Show Some Class. As Philly fans are prone to do, they found yet another way to lower the bar on fan behavior. This time they threw dozens of promotional bracelets onto the ice in their Game 3 playoff matchup against the Washington Capitals, resulting in a delay of game penalty that prompted the Flyers' announcer to scold the crowd by saying, "show some class." The Flyers lost the game 6-1, and figure to get swept tonight. So things are going great.

The Main Event
"The Notorious" Conor McGregor, the brash UFC fighter who's notorious for big talk, sent the sports world into a frenzy yesterday by announcing his retirement via Twitter.

Because McGregor is the face of the UFC, the biggest money draw in the sport, and just 27 years old, the internet's initial reaction was to call bullshit. Nate Diaz, who beat McGregor in March and was scheduled to fight him at UFC 200, seemingly mocked McGregor's announcement by tweeting a retirement statement of his own, while UFC commentator Jog Rogan simply responded with, "f*ck ya... he's trollin'." The retirement may prove true, however, as UFC president Dana White confirmed McGregor was pulled from UFC 200 because he refused to participate in mandatory promotional events in Las Vegas for the fight. McGregor may or may not be blowing smoke up our ass with (what seems to be) a knee-jerk retirement, but either way, he won't be participating in UFC 200, which was (still is?) expected to be the biggest night in UFC history.

White's move to pull McGregor from UFC 200 because he wouldn't pose for some pictures represents the worst in sports. It signifies that money is indeed more important than the game. Meanwhile, the reason McGregor refused to participate in the promo tour is because he was too focused on training for the UFC 200 fight in Iceland, and didn't want any distractions, which is exactly what primetime press-filled events turn into; one big distraction. On the other hand, when you're getting paid all that money, sometimes you just need to shut up and show up.

If we have seen the last of McGregor in the Octagon, we'd like to leave you with a small sampling of our favorite McGregorisms:

On an opponent:
“I’ve hunted him down. I’ve stalked him like my prey and now I have him. And now on Saturday night I will eat his carcass in front of his little gazelle friends.”

On playing through injuries:
“My knee popped, but f*ck it, it is what it is. I just went with what was comfortable, and what was comfortable was get the motherf*cker to the ground. Looking back, I should have just pulled my knee from my leg and hit him with it.”

On his wealth:
"My socks are worth more than the whole suit you had on, you little bum. You broke bitch. I could buy and sell you one hundred times over.”

On himself:
"Gods recognize Gods."

Good Sport
Sixth Best
For the third time in his career, Los Angeles Clippers guard Jamal Crawford has won an award for being the sixth-best player on his team. Yesterday, Crawford received the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award, which recognized his contributions coming off the bench. Crawford received 51 first-place votes, beating out Golden State Warriors guard Andre Iguodala (33 votes), and Oklahoma City Thunder center Enes Kanter (19 votes). Having won this award an NBA-record three times, maybe one day Crawford can crack the starting lineup and become a "fifth man," although, at this point, his career definitely has that "always a bridesmaid, never the bride" feel to it.

Honorable Mention: Manchester City soccer star Sergio Agüero scores Premier League goals faster than Johnny Manziel can kill a fifth of vodka (more on that below). Agüero became the second fastest player to net 100 Premier League goals (Alan Shearer) in City's draw against Newcastle last night.

Bad Sport
"Winning" Competition
We may have finally found someone who can match Charlie Sheen's affinity for abusing substances and people. After NFL free agent quarterback Johnny Manziel "arrived wasted, partied wasted and stayed wasted" at Coachella this past weekend, Manziel's (now former) agent, Drew Rosenhaus, dropped him for not seeking professional help for his substance addiction. This is even more shocking (embarrassing?) considering the famously money-hungry Rosenhaus has never fired a client before. The party doesn't stop for Johnny Football there, as a domestic violence case against him will be heard by a grand jury tomorrow, where Manziel could face up to a year in prison. Watch your back, Charlie, Johnny's comin' for your "Winning" title.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
A friend of ours visited the MB Roland Distillery in Kentucky last week, and did what good friends do by bringing us back our booze selection of the week: MB Roland Single Barrel Bourbon.
Upon tasting this bourbon, we could tell MB Roland instilled Ron Swanson's motto in their approach; "never half-ass two things, whole-ass one thing." MB sure as hell whole-assed their single barrel offering, which has a sweet and smokey flavor with a shockingly smooth finish. Smooth enough you could feed your infant child a thimble-full to lull them right to sleep. Finding a bottle of MB Roland near you may prove difficult, but you can recreate the experience (to a slightly lesser extent) by picking up a bottle of Makers Mark Kentucky Straight Bourbon. Just make sure whatever you drink tonight will put hair on your knuckles (brown liquor), because "clear alcohols are for rich women on diets."

"Help Me, Help You"
In the words of Jerry Maguire, the greatest sports character in modern cinema, we want you to help us out so we can better your Good Old Sport experience. We know we're already dope, but can you imagine how ridiculous it would be if we somehow got doper? Please take a (literal) minute to fill out this short survey. If you do, we just might "show you the money" (chance to win $25 gift card). Alright, that was one too many Maguire references. Off you go.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Tigers at Royals - 7pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 2: Pistons at Cavaliers - 8pm on TNT (Cavs lead 1-0); Game 2: Trail Blazers at Clippers - 10:30pm on TNT (Clippers lead 1-0)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 4: Capitals at Flyers - 7pm on NBC Sports (Capitals lead 3-0); Game 4: Panthers at Islanders - 8pm on USA (Islanders lead 2-1); Game 4: Kings at Sharks - 10:30pm on USA (Sharks lead 2-1)
SOCCER. Premier League: Liverpool vs. Everton - 2:55pm on NBC Sports
CONAN. The Hangover supporting actor Mike Tyson stops by Conan to hopefully be eaten by his own pet tiger on live TV - 11pm on TBS
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