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Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
WHAT?
Tonight is the championship game of The Basketball Tournament (TBT), which is that 5-on-5, single-elimination basketball tournament you're just now hearing about with perhaps the laziest name in the history of sports tournaments.

WHAT ELSE?
Established in 2014, TBT is a free-to-enter, open-application tournament, meaning anyone 18 or older can apply to play, although the league primarily consists of NBA washouts, D-League players, and college basketball alumni (people that are still way better than you). The 64-team field, which was primarily decided by fan vote, has been whittled down to the final two squads; the Overseas Elite (2015 champs) and Team Colorado, who'll be playing for a $2 million grand prize. Not bad scratch for has-beens and never-will-be's.

THOUGHTS?
You might be thinking to yourself, "this sounds pointless, why the hell does this tournament even exist?" We thought the same thing, and we have to imagine it's because July and August (outside of an Olympic year) are arguably the dullest months in sports with the NBA, NHL, and NFL all on the shelf. The team names are certainly entertaining, though. Here's a few of our favorites:

1. Kimchi Express
2. Whistle Sports Dot Squad
3. Team Fancy
4. North Broad Street Bullies
5. Pedro's Posse

Good Sport
Started From The Bottom Now We Here
Badass sisters Brooke, Rainn, and Tai Sheppard have earned the right to listen to Drake's "Started From The Bottom" on loop. They qualified for multiple track events at the Junior Olympics in Houston, which runs from July 30th to August 6th, despite living in a homeless shelter. The three initially got into track as an escape (and because there were no entry fees), but it wasn't long before they laid down the law, with Tai (10) qualifying for the 3,000 meters by beating the second-place finisher by an absurd :30s. Here'e to Brooke, Rainn, and Tai whipping some privileged ass this week.

Honorable Mention:
7x All-Star Michael Young was just inducted into the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame. More importantly, Young has a legitimate, crippling fear of clowns, so former teammate Elvis Andrus wore a Jigsaw mask to scare the hell out of him. We just hope Young's not this quick to ball up his fist when his sons startle him at home.

Bad Sport
Lips Are Sealed (Or Else)
We knew the water in Rio was shitty, but perhaps not this shitty. A new study by the Associated Press claims Olympic athletes are "almost certain" to fall ill if they ingest just two teaspoons of the bacteria-ridden water. Considering the average person's mouth can hold over 25 tablespoons of liquid, it's safe to assume that if a crew boat turns and a competitor accidentally swallows a mouthful of water, their vital organs will turn into liquid shit. Evidently, it's more important than ever to follow Brazilian health experts' advice to "keep your mouth shut."

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Outside The Lines reports that a ridiculous 57 Olympic medals have been stripped for doping since 2000. Like we've seen with baseball, we can't wait for betting lines to be set on which Rio athletes will test positive first.

Never Forget
Action film star, and 7th degree black belt, Steven Seagal has still got "it." Never Forget.
And no, we're not joking, he's actually a black belt in Aikido. Bonus: Here's the synopsis for one of Seagal's more recent films, Sheep Impact: "Two young men (Steven Seagal and Martin Copping) are heading to a party when they run into some trouble. That trouble revolves around a sheep that Seagal doesn't want to see die."

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Cardinals at Reds - 7pm on Fox Sports 1
BASEBALL. Big League World Series championship game - 8pm on ESPN2
BASKETBALL. TBT Tournament Championship: Overseas Elite vs. Team Colorado - 7pm on ESPN
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